For still feeling awful I didn’t say anything at the time?(64 Posts)
I’ll try and make this as brief as possible while still covering all the details. Regular poster but have name changed for this (for obvious reasons). In case there’s any doubt, if this wedding goes ahead I think TidyDancer should decorate, lemon drizzle bitch makes her famous cake, we all travel to Maui for it, cancel the cheques and give a penis beaker as a gift instead, hoping there’s no fake dead cats on a wall nearby. Perfectly willing to be told IABU, in fact I’d welcome it!
I used to be very good friends with a woman “A” for about 10 years (since we were late teens). She was a bit spoilt for want of a better word, but not a brat or horrible. She never worked, parents supported her lavish lifestyle. She has never really had any responsibility or had anything not go her way/handed to her. I say this as I feel it may be relevant. I was in no way bothered by this through our friendship, she was a good person, we had a laugh and that’s all that mattered to me. We now no longer speak as a result of how she has treated “B”.
She met “B” in Oct 13. They saw each other a bit (lived approx. 200m away) in my city (pretty much the middle between their homes). Now, she had a tendency to be a bit dramatic at times. So they were very on and off. She would declare it was over if he didn’t reply to a text in time, go out, have a ONS, and then the next morning say it was back on as he apologised for upsetting her. Wouldn’t tell him about what happened as “we were broken up then”. Not how I’d do things but, not my life, not my issue.
They broke up for good in early Feb. Forever, done, I hate him, I deserve better, the works. I have messages with the dates confirming this relevant. Throws herself into going out, having fun, usual post break up stuff. I go out with her a lot and try to make her feel better about the whole thing.
Mid April on one such night out, I am sent away after I come back from having a cigarette as “I’m going back with “C” now to my hotel”. Well….ok then, even though I was supposed to be staying there. I ask her to let me know when she’s back and how she is in the morning. Next morning, I get a text “reviewing” Cs performance in great detail also relevant
End of May I receive a picture message from her of a positive pregnancy test. That says “4-6 weeks”. So we talk, I ask what she wants to do, how she is and generally try and be supportive as this is obviously a shock. She wonders how she will tell “B”. Being –slow- naive I thought this was an “in case he finds out from someone else and is hurt way” (yeah I don’t know why that was my first thought…..). He is out of the country in a place with patchy phone coverage. I suggest that maybe she should wait until he’s back to tell him, as face to face would be a lot better than a text. I say that he won’t be able to do anything from there and it would come across a lot better if she spoke to him in person. He’s due back in 3 days.
Next day I get a call from her wondering why Bs friends are being soooooo mean to her. He has apparently gone on a bender in other country after speaking to her, and they were messaging her asking what she did. I ask what she said that would cause that. “I did what you suggested, I didn’t tell him. I said I needed to speak to him about something serious when he was back and I was sick every morning. I didn’t tell him, he worked it out!!!”. Right. I ask her if he thought he was the Father or did she at least make it clear that he wasn’t. I was glared at and told of course he was the Father as there was no other possibility, she hadn’t been with another man since she met him in Oct :S :S :S
No reasoning will work, but I figure there’s no way she’ll get away with this as…well giving birth when the maths/timing is off will mean B will have to question this. They get back together and I back off. He is smitten and clearly worships her. I can’t stand to see this knowing everything he’s dreaming off will come shattering down in a few months. He really is a lovely, sweet guy without a bad bone in his body. He’d do anything for her. So I’m a coward, I keep my mouth shut.
She tragically loses the baby. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I’m in contact with her throughout, offering any support I can. B takes it incredibly badly, even attempting suicide as he feels “guilty for not being with her from the beginning”. I still keep my mouth shut, as what good can saying anything do?
Given how this started I didn’t think they would last. I assumed it would run its course. She refused to tell him the truth (I only brought it up once after) as “well he isn’t going to figure it out now, so why ruin what we have?”. That’s when I stopped making contact with her. B proposed to her (for the third time) and she accepted in Dec 15. She only realised I hadn’t been making contact when she text me to ask if I would be bridesmaid. I didn’t reply within the hour so she took to social media (I know) complaining. I sent her a message saying I couldn’t stand up and support her in this as long as she hid what she did from “B” and that as horrible as it was at the time, basing a marriage on that big a lie just made a mockery of it (not my proudest moment). So I’ve been made out now to anyone who will listen as being a despicable, evil, jealous b!tch who is either suffering from a personality disorder or bitter as I was in love with A. I think this all started because when she realised I wouldn’t support her, she thought I’d show B the timeline through the messages/tell him to his face. I’ve just ignored all this and kept silent through this all.
I no longer miss our friendship, as I realised the person I thought I was friends with would never do anything so cruel. I have no intentions of getting in touch with anyone to show what she did. (thank you anyone who has made it this far!!!!)
If he doesn’t find out before the wedding, he could still work it out later? Or if he always knew it was a lie but went with it to be with A, could someone really keep up the pretence forever? I try and not think about it at all but every now and then I think “If it was my brother/friend who was marrying someone who did this to them, would I want them to know?”. I can’t say anything now but
AIBU to still feel awful for B? and AIBU to feel so guilty for not being braver when this started as it could have stopped it going so far. If anyone has any suggestions for how to get over this I’d really appreciate it.
Cut ties. He's a big boy and makes his own choices. Not your business and block her off fb.
Not your circus not your monkeys.
Forget it and move on.
wasn't your monkeys, not your circus. you were a good friend but she has behaved in such a bad way to B, it's hard to stand by and do nothing but if you say something would he believe you if he 'worships'' her so much ? he would be better off without her and so are you, but he will learn and hopefully sooner rather than later. i feel sorry for him and you but you can't beat yourself up about it.
Not your business I'm afraid, you've already been chopped out of the friendship for meddling, you will only do more harm being involved.
What's done is done now, you can help. Move on.
The friendship is over. Keep out of it. How close are you to B now?
Yikes, this is difficult. If it was my brother or friend I would absolutely hope you'd have the courage to say something, but I can understand why you might want to keep out if it.
What's the fake cats on the wall all about then?
Offle I know, I tried but didn't want to drip feed! Oh I have no intention of getting involved or saying something now sorry if that wasn't clear it's more just that I feel guilty I didn't and now it's too late.
i want the non-brief full version
but we might need more internet
leave them to it
Why is it your place to say something? Revenge?
Better off out of this one. She sounds unhinged and he sounds like a bit of a sap.
she will just keep doing this and either he knows or he's really naive. He may be nice, and I understand you feeling bad for him, but he's too far in now for you to prevent him being hurt. It will come when it comes, but you don't have to be part of it whe it does.
SoleBizzz I have no intention of saying anything now, that ship has sailed and sunk. Just more every now and then I think if he does work it out or she admits it (doubtful I know) how hurt he's going to be. I feel that by being silent at the time I almost helped her, if that makes sense?
Apocalypse it was a thread ages ago. OP wanted to do the right thing and contact the owners of a dead cat neat her house, then discovered it was a toy.
Thanks for the responses and mental kick up the arse I need
But it's finished now. You have no unfinished business. You're just naturally adjusting to the closure of the friendship. She was so stressful for you your brain is focusing on a none issue. This will disappear over time.
Her sharing she's being sick every day is clearly telling him she's pregnant so she's immature to be claiming that he worked it out from her saying she needed to talk to him .
If you are friends with him I'd have a long think whether to tell him.
Actually, I'd tell him.
You've said he's lovely, he blames himself for her losing the baby & he probably won't have been able to 'work it out' because I expect she lied her arse off about the dates.
If it was your brother or friend you'd want someone to tell them the truth. It's not too late - tell him before they get married & have kids. I'd meet him & show him the messages so she can't wriggle out if it.
As above. To be brutal, from what you've said he sounds quite dramatic himself - attempting suicide because his on-off gf had a miscarriage while they were on a break? Proposing three times to someone who treats him so badly? I would back away slowly from the whole thing: you've done all you can usefully do.
Can I just say, though, for highlighting the relevant bits for ease of speedy judgement?
I get what you're saying OP... by not saying anything (or even saying more to A) it's almost like you condoned your behaviour.
However there is absolutely nothing you can do. Too late and also if ever you were to tell B anything (which I know you're not but these things come out sometimes), if he is besotted with A, it's always a case of shoot the messenger. Your intentions might be honourable but he won't see it like that. But from what you've said, it just doesn't seem like the sort of relationship that will last...
Off topic I have never heard the circus/monkey thing before and my life was the worse for it. I cannot wait for a RL situation when I can use it.
*i want the non-brief full version
but we might need more internet*
Arf @ this ^
Arghhhh... let me repeat my first sentence!
I get what you're saying OP. by not saying anything (or even saying something more to A at the time) it's almost like you are condoning A's behaviour.
As much as A sounds like an awful person to be with, B seems like a bit of a walkover and hasn't done himself any favours by being such a doormat either.
It sounds to me the relationship/marriage (depending how far it gets) will fall apart before any of this comes out anyway. With that many cracks, I don't think it's built to last.
Stay out of it would be my advice.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.