In-laws are at it again! (3rd thread about them)

(53 Posts)
Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 19:41:07

I've posted twice before about how my in-laws are on another planet. They are at it again!
Quick background: they have no money and keep badgering us for money. they never listen to our wishes about visita etc. There's other stuff too but this ones money related again.

Pil bought dc loads of clothes the other day. Obviously gifts are appreciated but they always buy t-shirts for ds1 (he has 35 bloody t-shirts) we've repeatedly asked them not to buy him t-shirts but he always needs trousers and recently outgrew his jacket so if they wanted to spend their money on him these would be better. So they turned up with 10 t-shirts and 2 pairs of cheap shoes a size too small (ds1 also can't wear cheap shoes as he has insanely wide feet and cheap shoes cause him lots of pain,pil know we spend a fortune in properly fitted shoes). They also bought ds2 some new baby grows they've been repeatedly told that 11wk old as is massive and wears 6-9 month clothes. They have him 0-3 month clothes. I could have overlooked them spending money they don't have on things we can't use (and can't return because they only buy sales stuff) if they hadn't then said they couldn't pay rent. Mil then told dh that she wanted to go to Malta for her birthday (they are going to Malta next week for file birthday, spending money they don't have). Dh is now saying he is going to pay £130 for pil flights to go again at the end of the year for mil birthday. Dh and I have been on holiday together once and have never been away with dc because we can't afford to. I know that at some point as well pil will prob call and ask to borrow money. Aibu to be furious with them.

Sorry for long post

Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 19:42:52

I should also say mil is waiting for a kidney transplant and has got it in her head that her time is running out which I think is the reason for the holidays.

Hodooooooooor Thu 02-Jun-16 19:43:52

As usual, your have a DH problem more than an IL problem. It doesn't matter if they ask to borrow money so much as it matters if he gives it to them.

sooperdooper Thu 02-Jun-16 19:44:49

Even if the clothes are from the sales you can still exchange them as long as the labels are still on.

Yanbu re your DH paying for their flights when you haven't been on a holiday but surely you should be mad at DH - not PIL?

honeysucklejasmine Thu 02-Jun-16 19:45:17

Why does your dh enable them?

FellOutOfBed2wice Thu 02-Jun-16 19:45:28

Are your inlaws my inlaws?! This is alarmingly like something they would do. Tbh the only thing that's worked for us is no longer bailing them out, even when it's really hard and seems heartless. They do manage by having to reprioritise when we aren't helping.

happypoobum Thu 02-Jun-16 19:46:02

YABU to be furious with PILS
YANBU to be furious with spineless DH

Arfarfanarf Thu 02-Jun-16 19:47:02

Would your husband stop giving them money?

I think they need a lot of firm nos. But it must be consistant and your husband has to be part of your team. Is he?

Unfortunately, setting boundaries results in conflict but sometimes conflict is necessary because the alternative is unacceptable.

Chippednailvarnishing Thu 02-Jun-16 19:47:58

It's all about your DH. But you know this.

LegoCaltrops Thu 02-Jun-16 19:54:37

Suspect I've also married into this family. That sounds exactly like my PILs, except mine have different health issues.

I've started handing stuff back to them as soon as it's clear it's unsuitable. It's not rude or ungrateful - they are rude for not listening, & you don't need to be grateful when they repeatedly & deliberately bring you things you can't use. Especially when they then want you to sub them financially.

Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 19:56:30

Dh has started saying no sometimes but he feels guilty for several reasons.

A. He has lived with this is while life, pil used to send dh to his older brothers house to ask to borrow money when he was v young.

B. Pil don't see their other 3 children or their 6 other grandchildren

C. Neither of them are in brilliant health

Lilacpink40 Thu 02-Jun-16 20:00:32

DH is definitely their enabler. If he stops they'll stop!

TheABC Thu 02-Jun-16 20:03:06

Op, reason B is very telling! It sounds like a classic FOG trap for DH. I don't have much advice except to work on your boundaries and agree on (and practice) what you will say, in advance, for the next cash request.

happypoobum Thu 02-Jun-16 20:03:28

So are the other three children NC with them due to them being such pains in the arse?

MunchCrunch01 Thu 02-Jun-16 20:10:00

what's the betting they got the stuff for the dc for free somewhere? You need to sit DH down and say that whilst their situation sounds really hard, he has 2 DC that need all the spare cash you've got and people that aren't mega wealthy don't buy holidays for their adult family members. OTOH, if it really does turn out your MIL is very poorly (and it doesn't sound great), I'd go with it.

Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 20:20:07

Happy ive never met any of them, his sister has mh issues and is in a mh unit. Dh and oldest brother had a massive falling out over something stupid and don't speak. Other brother never has time to see us, including not being able to come to put wedding because he already had concert tickets booked hmm. The whole family is a bit messed up. Dh is the only semi sane one of the lot of them.

Janecc Thu 02-Jun-16 20:39:44

Insanely dysfunctional family. Not surprising your dh struggles with boundaries.

I agree that you will have to hand all the presents back. If dh wants to pay for them I'd be highly annoyed but what's done is done now. As for the future, I would be be having words with him so that he didn't give them money without your agreement.

Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 21:03:39

He hasn't actually paid yet but mentioned something in passing about pil going away again and when I questioned him it all came out. He's avoided the subject since but he's now on the phone to mil while I fume silently.

Woodenmouse Thu 02-Jun-16 21:59:21

We just had a long chat about everything and dh had a bit of a cry. He hates the stress they put us under and he started thinking about the things they used to do when he was a younger (he was left a v expensive guitar by a relative and his dm sold it while he was working abroad among many other things).
He's agreed he shouldn't be giving in to them, now he just had to stay strong!

Janecc Fri 03-Jun-16 05:17:05

That is so sad. They're still pulling the apron strings. It's strange our parents can treat us so badly and we still go back for more. I have an emotionally abusive mother. She really bullied me last weekend when I took my 7 yr old to see her and her husband - I'm 45 and very ill at the moment. I have reduced contact. I see her around every 3 months (involved overnight stay - yuk), phone every 2 weeks.

Have you read anything on toxic people, narcissism or boundaries?

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Fri 03-Jun-16 06:00:10

We has a vaguely similar situation here. DH told the person wanting the money that I deal with all our finances. That was the end of them wanting to borrow off us as they knew they would be more likely to BMX to the moon than get a penny out of me as they are a twat with money!

CoraPirbright Fri 03-Jun-16 07:57:25

Your poor DH - it must be terribly hard to change the habits of a lifetime & start saying no to his parents. But that is what he must do. I mean, who buys so many (badly chosen) presents & takes foreign holidays willy-nilly but can't pay their rent?? The gifts, btw, are a very obvious attempt to bribe/induce guilt but I am sure you both realise that.

Nanny0gg Fri 03-Jun-16 08:28:18

Spend the money on counselling for your DH as he clearly comes from a dysfunctional family and needs help in dealing with them.

2nds Fri 03-Jun-16 08:32:04

How the heck does she get travel insurance while waiting on a kidney transplant? And why would she go to Malta when if she's on the transplant list she could get the call to go to hospital at any time?

Woodenmouse Fri 03-Jun-16 08:39:49

2nds they don't have travel ins they just go and hope for the best expect us to bail them out of something goes wrong.

I've asked her about the transplant and she changed the bloody subject. She knows she's near the top of the list as well as she has been given her pager which will yep her when to go (you only get those when it's immanent). She's fucking insane honestly.

cora that's prob true!

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