In thinking I need help...but I don't know where to begin.

[Cryinginside]

Please help ...I don't know what to do any longer.

I feel like my life is over and everything seems hopeless. I know this is depression as I have had it for a long time but drugs never work for long.

I have an almost lifelong eating disorder which started in my teens as Bulemia but which is now Binge Eating Disorder. I managed to stop purging by the end of my teens but have never managed to stop the bingeing.

I am now 50, a lone parent of a 13 year old DS who has autism and ADHD along with several other issues.

I am struggling but putting a brave face on it all. Nobody realises how bad things are with my eating or how much I am struggling with the housework.

The house is a tip and I literally don't know where to begin with to....and because I don't know where to begin it feels overwhelming...so I don't begin. I hate it though and want to be more organised.

The eating is getting me down and for the first time it is impacting upon my health I am now showing signs of glucose intolerance and I k ow this is my warning sign to stop but I don't know how to.

Over the past year I have become more open about my eating issues in an online community of others with the same thing. I have identified that I struggle when overwhelmed and that this is when I eat....so that's everyday then.

In addition I suspect I have sensory issues as well and I find that I frequently need to escape from noise, lights etc. I do wonder if I am also on the autistic spectrum (I score highly on the online assessments) but my GP is simply not interested as I worked for 30 years and have achieved well in my life. I know very well though that I have always struggled in work and that my work record was not good as a result.

Today I feel particularly tearful and low, I don't know where to turn. DS is with his Dad until the weekend and I am missing him like crazy (although I can find life hard when he is here)

Thinking about seeing my GP again with regard to the depression but don't know if there is much more she can offer. I have had CBT for a few weeks and that was helpful....I have links to a good site which is useful. However I just want to feel so much better than this, thinner than this, healthier than this and more organised than I currently am.

Feel like I am dying inside and sometimes wonder what the point of it all is.

[Thornrose]

I'm in a similar position to you at the moment, except for the eating disorder.

Life can be overwhelming and then it's almost like you reach your limit. Dd is 16 with Aspergers and I've battled along bravely until now. I'm now acknowledging it's not working anymore.

I'm also single and late 40s.

I can't help you but I can say I hear you.

[Rainbow]

I just want to give you a hug. First stop is your GP. Make an appointment and be totally honest. I had CBT for depression. I went every week for over a year and found it really worked. It isn't easy being organised and getting on top of house can be overwhelming. With the help of my therapist I manged doing a little bit each day. I tidied the living room one day, sorted out behind sofas etc the next. The kitchen the the cupboards and although it took several weeks if not months I got on top of it. Set yourself small, achievable goals and make yourself do them. That bit is hard. Is it possible to get out and meet people? Talk to people rather than online. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time and you will begin to feel better. Stop beating yourself up and accept this is where you are and this is where you want to be. Small steps and talk to your GP. Good luck x

[timelytess]

Argh! I wrote a long post and lost it!
Basically, I'm very similar and agree with the posts above. Things can improve but it takes a long time. Be kind to yourself and get more counselling.

[Cryinginside]

Thank you.

I will make an appointment with my GP.

On the plus side I have got some washing done today which I have been putting off. Sheets from a wet bed have finally been washed and dried.

It's something I can tick off a list of things "to do".

[gleam]

On the housework front, why not start with your bedroom, if that's possible. So you can relax and feel good as you drift off to sleep and also wake up to a calm room.

Might set you up for the day?

[Janecc]

CBT can be really good but proper counselling takes a long time not a few weeks. You have an eating disorder and I would expect you to be seeing someone for a considerable time. Like Rainbow - over a year.

I want to give you a big hug as well. You sound really sad. Great that you've achieved something today.

I was feeling really properly down the other day as my health has taken a massive down turn over the last few months and was thinking about what I could do to improve my mood. I went along to health food shop and bought Rescue Remedy - great for anxiety, 5htp - produces Seretonin so is a bit like an antidepressant (I'm taking 4 X pills a day so much higher than recommended but not long term but I wouldn't recommend for you to do it in case of a reaction) and Zinc Picolinate because it's cheap and many people are low on it and can help with depression. I already have Magnesium, which is good for depression. 5htp, Zinc and Magnesium (I use a transdermal spray) apparently also all lower blood sugar. The combi really really helped.

Maybe you could give these a try as well. You are likely to be deficient in certain vitamins and minerals anyway because of the way you eat so it couldn't hurt to try.

[HappyInL0nd0n]

No wise words, but just to say, I heard you and your circumstances sound really difficult. I think you should follow up and get proper medical support. Change your GP. Also, is there someone in your life - outside of the online world - who you could open up to?

Sending you a big internet hug. All days are not equal. x

[mb182]

Recent research on autism in girls and women has shown that conditions like Aspergers have been significantly under diagnosed in the past because girls cope differently with such conditions. They cope by teaching themselves "correct" social interaction by observing and mimicing those around them. The stress and exhaustion of having to do this constantly, without it ever coming naturally, year after year, inevitably leads to constant, low level depression. Binge eating is a common way of self medicating for depression but weight gain adds its own physical and mental problems increasing the depression still further. For your doctor to dismiss the connection must have been heartbreaking for you. Perhaps you could phone the National Autistic Society helpline for advice about reapproaching your doctor. You have shown you are a strong, brave and intelligent woman to have coped with your feelings for so long so give yourself some praise for that. You should not have that held against you by a Gp of all people. Xxx

[mrgrouper]

I was diagnosed as Asperger's by a private psychologist after being labelled bipolar by the NHS. If you have enough money to pay for private psychology that would really help you. My psychologist was £75 an hour and she helped me far more than any NHS psychiatrist did.
You could try going to an overeaters anonymous group for help and support. I would also recommend exercise. I find jogging lifts my mood, even though I have to push myself to get started.

[Cryinginside]

Thank you for the messages of support yeasterday as it was just a
Very low and bad day,. Today I feel more positive about things and although the house is as untidy as ever I feel more able to tackle bits of it.

I am off for a walk tonight with a local wildlife trust , it's about 2 miles and I am hoping to see some Barn Owls who I have been watching through a nesting box cam. Will be a joy if I can spot the male hunting.

If nothing else th exercise will be helpful.

[MadSprocker]

Hello Cryinginside just wanted to send support as a fellow depression sufferer. I find my house and things can overwhelm me too, but I am starting to manage it a bit better recently. Part of my garage serves as a utility room, and it slowly became nearly unusable because of all the stuff. I chose a sunny day, put it all on my lawn and sorted it. And it felt great afterwards perhaps do this on a smaller scale, do a box at a time or a cupboard at a time. I have just joined the fly lady thread on housekeeping for support.
I have no experience with eating disorders, but I'm thinking it's a good thing that you recognise that you suffer with this.