More wwyd feel h new wife is controlling his relationship with our dcs.

(30 Posts)
Boolovessulley Wed 01-Jun-16 16:30:41

I've posted here for traffic but am aware this is a relationship topic.
Ex h and I are divorced with 3 dcs. The divorce was not amicable. He had gotten into debt and this has had an adverse effect on my credit rating and caused me health problems.
As an escape route he moved in with the ow. To clarify I pushed for a divorce and paid for it all. There is no way I would ever have h back and the dcs are totally fine with this.

He quickly married the ow.
Soon everything he had done with the dcs stopped. He stopped spending time alone with them.
Our dcs had to go to her house to see him , with her there and only if all of her kids( much younger than ours) are there too.

All activities ex h used to do with them stopped.

He packed work in, looked after her young dcs full time and she has gone back to work full time.

My dcs get nothing, and I mean nothing.

At first I blamed ex h for this as he is their father.

However yesterday there was an incident which resulted in the new wife screaming in my dd1s face at dd1s place of work.
Dd1 told her that her relationship with her dad was nothing to do with new wife.
New wife then scream sat she will get dd1 the sack!

I'm sorry this is long. But what I am now wondering is whether ex h is somehow being controlled by his wife?
My dd1 said she almost felt sorry for her dad as he sat with his eyes downcast.
Initially I said he should have told his wife not to speak to dd1 like that.
But after telling a good friend what has happened she said that it sounds exactly like her step mother who controls every move her dad makes. She said that my dcs should try their best to see their dad but there is no way any of them will go to her house now.

I am so angry towards this horrible excuse for a human . Until now I blamed their dad but now I blame her.
She was screaming that my dd only works as X. Who the hell does she think she is?

Sorry it's a bit vague but I don't want to out myself.
The dcs have all said that unfortunately they know they can only see their dad with her present and that is out of the question now.

I can't help feeling that this scene was instigated by the wife to get a reaction from my dd.
Previously they hadn't seen them for a few months as he makes no effort whatsoever ever to do anything with them and my don does not like her dcs.

Of course her dcs can do no wrong and the one time my ex h stood up to her over an issue she threw him out on the streets!

Does anyone have d patience of this?
I would love for my dcs to have some (however poor) relationship with their dad.

zeezeek Wed 01-Jun-16 19:51:10

Yes, she's probably a cow. Yes it's your ex's fault.

Boolovessulley Wed 01-Jun-16 19:58:12

Yes zeezeek I know .
I've tried to not get involved or pass opinion but I'm fuming inside about this.
My friend believes it's a calculated attempt to distance ex from the dcs.

Notonthestairs Wed 01-Jun-16 19:58:21

What lead up to the argument at work? I ask because on the face of it she's being unreasonable but it needs a bit more context. Why were that at your DD's work in the first place?

Boolovessulley Wed 01-Jun-16 19:59:12

She has also suggested the dcs stay in contact with their dad, but how's that even possible ?

purplefox Wed 01-Jun-16 20:03:30

How old are the DCs? Why were they at her work place?

zeezeek Wed 01-Jun-16 20:04:36

Sorry, for being a bit abrupt. Obviously they aren't young children and, by now will have formed opinions of their father based on their own experience of him and her and very possibly have, or will, decide that their mother provides everything they need and he's a waste of space. Frankly, it is his loss now, not theirs.

I'm kind of on the other side with this. My DH has a daughter from a brief relationship before he met me and her mother is, to put it bluntly, batshit crazy. The result is her DD has gone low contact with her.

Ideally it's good to have a relationship with both parents, but sometimes, they just deserve the children they have.

branofthemist Wed 01-Jun-16 20:09:55

Are you saying he is being abused? To the point he is scared of her?

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Your kids sound grown, they must deal with this themselves.

If he is being abused, I am not sure that you, as his ex wife, can provide him any support. And if he is being abused I am not sure telling him he is being a dick either.

Kimononono Wed 01-Jun-16 20:17:39

I was in your DC position and in afraid the battle has already been lost.

If he trulely wanted to make the effort or make a stand - he would. Wild horses or red hot pokers could never make me treat my child in this manner. Never.

He has choose the easy life. He gave up work because he wanted an easier life. He allows his wife to treat his own children like this because he wants an easy life.

The blame lies solely on your ex feet. What a poor excuse of a man.

I really struggled with realisation that my dad was a weak arsed prick for a very long time, it effected my ability to choose decent men, low boundries and self esteem.

you need to do a lot of work with your DC in regards to talking this through, that's it's not their fault and self esteem and this kind of shit cuts deep

ShutYerCakeHole Wed 01-Jun-16 20:19:18

Having been the DC in this situation I'd say there's nothing to gain by persevering for the sake of their (however poor) relationship with their dad
Seriously, what are they getting out of it, except misery and drama? Their dad has effectively chosen OW and her DC over his own. Do they really need to stick around and witness that?
Sounds like he's getting away with being a shit dad. And your poor DD is starting to feel sorry for him! sad

Whether he's being controlled or not, that's his look out and he shouldn't be allowed to drag his kids into the mess.

molyholy Wed 01-Jun-16 20:24:20

So the woman he had a child with before he met you, was batshit crazy. The woman he left you for is controlling and batshit crazy hmm. Your ex sounds like a pathetic loser. Your kids are old enough to decide if he is worth the bother.

Lunar1 Wed 01-Jun-16 20:26:30

She was the OW in your daughters place of work in the first place?

ClopySow Wed 01-Jun-16 20:27:09

Nah, it's your ex to blame. He's the adult, he's the one with the relationship with his children. He's chosen her over them. More fool him.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Wed 01-Jun-16 20:27:48

Why on earth were they at your daughter's workplace?
Slanging matches in the workplace are a bit Jeremy Kyle, don't you think?
I am guessing your ex's wife didn't just pitch up there and start squawking for no reason, but as your daughter is clearly an adult, then her relationship with her father and his wife are really no longer your business.
I very much doubt she's drugging his cocoa to make him docile either.
You probably need to let it go and move on with your own life.
(And I speak as the child of an acrimonious divorce myself)

molyholy Wed 01-Jun-16 20:27:49

And you can bet your bottom dollar he will have told his new wife that you were batshit crazy. Probably why she is being so hostile. He is a shit isn't he!!!

Beeziekn33ze Wed 01-Jun-16 20:35:28

Do all your DC go to college or work? Is there any time when OW is at work that they could go and see their father? Does he take OW's kids to the park or soft play? That is if they want to talk to him and ask WTH and whether he's ok.
Nasty for DD, should she tell HR in case OW puts in a complaint?

ScrewyMcScrewup Wed 01-Jun-16 20:40:33

It was the same situation when my parents separated. Our father used to come to see us, stay over on the sofa, spend time with us. He met his future-second-wife and it all changed. I had to get the train 60 miles to see him (I was 8) and even our birthday and Christmas cards were signed by her instead of our father.

But even at that age, I understood that it was his fault. He allowed her to do it because he didn't care enough to choose us over her. I haven't spoken to him in 15 years and he has never made an attempt to get in touch with me.

Unless your children are desperate to see him, let him make his own bed. It sounds like your kids are older than I was and will be able to make their own minds up about him.

TheWernethWife Wed 01-Jun-16 20:42:24

Years after our divorce my ex remarried and told our children not to go to his house as it "upset" his wife. He's never seen his grandchildren.

Discobabe Wed 01-Jun-16 20:49:13

If a woman was stood eyes downcast whilst her partner screamed at her adult kids, stayed home to look after her partners dc's and did anything for an 'easy life' would she get labelled a poor excuse of a woman who shouldn't drag her adult kids into such a mess?

It sounds like your ex is with a very controlling woman. As your kids are grown I assume they can see this for themselves and have already made their judgment call in the situation if they feel sorry for him. I have no useful advice but hope they can figure things out.

Boolovessulley Wed 01-Jun-16 21:04:06

Ok I have tried to be vague as I don't want to put myself
Dd is at university she supplements this with waitressing.
They know she waitresses there.
She got to work and was told she would be in charge of X room, this happened to be occupied by her dads wife's relatives ( and her dad) having a family party.

She has not spoken to her dad in several months due to her dad telling her younger sister that she is awful for not attending the wife's child's birthday celebration,
The reason why dd2 didn't go was because she was given specific times when she could go and leave. Her dad also said that she would have to make her own way home. She is a child at school. It is a rural area , no trains buses are limited so it is quite likely she would have been stood waiting at the bus stop alone for an hour. All this despite her dad taking the family car.

Dd2 said she would not bother going, neither of her other siblings were invited.
Her dad then didn't buy her a birthday gift but sent a scathing text message.

So her siblings haven't made an effort to see their dad. Likewise he has not been in touch with them.

So when dd1 got to work and saw the situation with her dad celebrating a birthday when he couldn't be arsed to put a £10 in a card for his child or bother to spend 10 minutes with her sister ,she asked to swap rooms.

All was good until her dad saw her she carried on but her approached her and they were civil.

He then asked her to say hello to his wife. She did and his wife pulled dd1 towards her, hugging her but whispered in her ear' you should make more of an effort to see you dad'
Dd2 was shocked and pulled away saying casually ' well it works both ways her can always make an effort to see me'

As dd1 was about to walk away his wife( aged been drinking for hours) shouted well you really should be the one making an effort, your dad can't come and see you. Dd smiled and said of course he can he can visit me at uni or come to my mums.

Well all hell broke loose then with her screaming and shouting that her dad can't come and see her.
As dd was walking away she turned and said I didn't see him because of the message he sent dd2.
His wife started screaming shat message what message and grabbed hold of dd.
A colleague came in and asked effort was going on .
She also told the wife to get her hands off my dd.
The wife was screaming you are only a waitress who do you think you are.
She wasteing my dd to get out!
Dd replied I work here!
That's when she said not for long you won't.
The manager came and stood infrpbt of the wife to block her way.

Dd ran away crying.

purplefox Wed 01-Jun-16 21:16:08

due to her dad telling her younger sister that she is awful for not attending the wife's child's birthday celebration

So in this instance the DDs weren't seeing their dad because of their dad's behaviour, nothing to do with the wife?

3rdrockfromthesun Wed 01-Jun-16 21:16:59

Your poor Daughters. This is just a suggestion but could they each write a letter to their father explaining how they feel and how they would like a relationship with him but not the ow? What she did was horrible and I am glad her boss stood up for dd1.

AddToBasket Wed 01-Jun-16 21:20:28

OMG. That is appalling. You have an ex-DH problem though. Anyone who can let that happen to his own DD is truly culpable.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Wed 01-Jun-16 21:28:46

The whole dynamic sounds dysfunctional.

The new wife sounds like a pain but your ex sounds less like an abused spouse and more like a guy who chooses to prioritise his relationship over his children.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 01-Jun-16 21:42:23

While she sounds like a bitch, it's definitely your ex's fault. Any parent worth that title would stand up for their child, no matter who it was against.

He's being a shit dad because he's thinking about himself.

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