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AIBU?

Buying rather than collecting

15 replies

Coincollector · 01/06/2016 12:47

I would like to know if I am BU in feeling annoyed and feeling Dp has missed the point of the fun element of a little hobby dc and I do.

Dc and I go through my change on occasion to look for unusual coins, usually 50ps or £2 coins that have different designs on them. It is a bit of fun and we have a small collection, nothing huge. Face value is under £50 which is kept in a jar that we add to and look at from time to time.

Dp has been at home on sick leave for the last few weeks. My ds asked if he could look through his change to see if he had any unusual designs and found a 50p. Ds then showed dp the collection we had acquired and to look out for anything unusual in his change.

Dp has now gone and bought several complete sets of mint coins in their display cases and showed them to dc last night. Dc are a bit as to why he bought them and I am annoyed at not only the money he has spent and the fact he has now presented them with a complete set so there is no need to look for any more coins because daddy has bought everything for them.

He is now upset that what cost a lot of money was met with confusion and not the wow I think he was looking for.

He has form on doing things like this. I know some will not understand and think I am being ungrateful but I have learned to watch my words when admiring something. I.e. If I said I liked some wallpaper, as I passed a display, as an example,, the next day I would have several rolls of the stuff presented to me.

He is very generous but seems to think that buying stuff = showing how much you care.

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AdrenalineFudge · 01/06/2016 12:50

Have you tried 'admiring' as Aston Martin?

I get what you're saying but surely just tell him.

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Theimpossiblegirl · 01/06/2016 12:51

I see what you mean but he means well.

Can you afford them? If so, leave it and wait for an unconnected time to broach it. Show him how much fun can be had without spending money. You could take turns to plan a family outing and make the budget a competition. Memories are better than 'stuff' but maybe he doesn't know that yet. Does he feel he went without as a child, so he's trying to over-compensate now?

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MrsSpecter · 01/06/2016 12:54

He's missed the concept of a fun pasttime. Its like watching the children paint pictures and then going out and buying them a proper artist's painting so they had a proper one. They wouldnt get any fun at all out of that.

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Nannawifeofbaldr · 01/06/2016 12:56

I understand where you are coming from. It's very difficult because the person thinks they are doing something nice.

My DC have learned not to tell one set of grandparents if they are collecting something because otherwise a big bag of whatever it is turns up the following week.

There's pleasure and satisfaction in gradually building a collection or set of something. The sense of achievement is rather negated by someone sweeping in with £50 of football cards, shopkins or whatever.

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WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 01/06/2016 13:01

He means well.

I guess for some people the joy is in the collection and for others it's in the actual collecting.

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Coincollector · 01/06/2016 13:24

We have no problem affording it and he didn't go without growing up.

It is just this is the tip of the iceberg. Since he has been off work it has been one thing after another. I just get the feeling that It is as though he is in competition with me over who is the better parent. His job normally takes him off around the world to far flung places around the globe and all of the child rearing has been left to me. He has never taken that much of an interest in dc as when he wasn't flying around the world he was getting over jet lag and then working late in the office then he would be off again.
At the moment the coins are the latest thing. DC ask for chocolate. He thinks I am mean for saying no. He buys them shopping bags full of Yorky bars, Minstrels etc

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KateLivesInEngland · 01/06/2016 13:35

Could he be boredom buying? Not unusual to surf the web and buy random crap when you have a bit too much time on your hands.

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Coincollector · 01/06/2016 23:15

This is more than random boredom buying. he seems to hear I like something as I must have it. I cannot say I like something as he hears it as I want it. He thinks it is a lovely surprise to buy it for me, I just see it as another load of hassle returning it.

Whether it is because he is off work atm and needs to be the best at something IYSWIM so he has set himself up as being the "better" parent but it is causing havoc. The gloss is wearing off having daddy home as the kids (they are both teenagers) are beginning to see through the fact he thinks spending loads of money on stuff is his way of showing he loves them. I fear they are going to tell him they don't need anything and he will see it as some sort of rejection.

Don't know if anyone understands what I have written.

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StubblyLegs · 01/06/2016 23:27

It sounds like guilt-buying at having missed out on so much time spent with you and the DCs. If you can afford it and it makes him happy and he isn't expecting anyone to get rid of their built up collection that was/is fun, then let him crack on. I second the idea about liking an Aston!

Except the junk food business, I'd be a bit a LOT annoyed if my DH came back with bags of chocolate and crap in the misguided belief that the DC were missing out or some such nonsense, after I was the one doing/having done the majority of the childcare and upbringing of them, including instilling sensible eating habits.

I'm not at all averse to treats but not rubbish bought as a knee-jerk reaction which would make me look like a meany for trying to regulate the amount of treat food they had to an acceptable level and make him look like the hero, while really he'd be doing them a disservice.

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Coincollector · 02/06/2016 08:22

I think the problem is that it is going to back fire on him because whilst the kids might say they fancy a kitkat he comes back with 20 and they just look at him as if he has gone mad. After the coin incident, they have said in private to me that they feel they can't talk freely to him because he takes it the wrong way. I have told him that admiring something doesn't mean I actually want it but he just can't seem to get his head around it.

We can only afford it as I am very careful with money. He has had a payout because of his illness but the future is uncertain and the way he is spending money is out of control. Ds was quite upset when Dp presented him with a completed book of Panini stickers that he had paid an extortionate sum for. It meant that the fun for ds of swapping with his friends was over.

I just don't know how to approach him without him getting upset and hurt.

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gleam · 02/06/2016 08:36

Is there any interest of his that you can compare it to, so he understands?

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titchy · 02/06/2016 08:41

He's going to be upset and hurt. You can't avoid that. But the payoff is that he will massively improve his relationship with his family so look long term. Worth upsetting him. Assuming he takes it on board.

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Coincollector · 02/06/2016 09:20

He doesn't have any hobbies apart from work or football, (watching not playing).

It is only now that he is at home for this extended period that it has become apparent that he has no idea of the realities of parenting or just life in general. We live in the SE and he regularly thinks there must have been a pile up if we are in traffic. He has in excess of 350 pairs of socks and 41 shirts. All bought in the last few weeks because he says he can't find anything clean to wear. What he means is he doesn't want to open the wardrobe to look for anything. The house isn't big enough for the amount of stuff he is buying.

Because of his illness I feel like I can't approach him on things and should not get too upset but it has brought up the fact he doesn't seem able to enjoy life if he isn't spending money. Dc and I usually make a picnic in the summer and drive out and do a walk on a weekend. We enjoy the exercise and the views and the sunshine. Dp this Sunday wants to go for afternoon tea to some place where we will get little change out of £250. When I suggested he came with us on a walk he just didn't get the enjoyment factor. He actually said if it was the excercise we were after he would pay for gym membership.

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Coincollector · 02/06/2016 09:30

Unfortunately Titchy there might not be a long term.
It just makes me incredibly sad that in his job he has travelled the world and had so many opportunities to see incredible sights and it turns out he has spent the time outside of work in hotel bars. Now he is at home he cannot seem to enjoy anything without it costing huge amounts. If I suggest something he laughs and calls me mean in front of ds and dd because mummy doesn't want to spend any money.

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Coincollector · 02/06/2016 09:39

At this very moment he has gone out to buy a huge hd super pixelated ultra surround whatever tv so he can watch the football.

We already have a big hang on the wall tv we bought at Christmas when we did up the living room. Where I am expected to put that one I have no idea.