To be upset for my DD being forgotten by her best friend?

(15 Posts)
Mumtogremlins Tue 31-May-16 20:57:10

My DD was at infant school with her friends from nursery until she left at the end of Year 2. I sent her to a different school to her friends at the start of Year 3 as the local junior school wasn't good and she needed more pastoral care than they could offer. She is currently undergoing treatment for leukaemia and it was hard to send her somewhere different to her friends, especially after everything she's been through.

I've tried to make an effort to keep in touch with her best friend via her mum (good friend) but it's all one way. She's never asked round to their house, even though the friend has been round here a few times. DDs party is coming up and the mum made an excuse that she might not be able to come. I've since had to change the date and asked if she can come on that date, but no response.

Should I just accept there's no point trying to keep in touch? I feel really annoyed and feel like not contacting her again but my heart hurts for my DD who thinks this girl is still her best friend. If it was the other way round, I'd be doing everything I could for the child, especially knowing how ill she's been and what we've been through. Or am I expecting too much?

Mouikey Tue 31-May-16 21:03:29

Does your friend know about your daughters illness? Sadly some people (adults mainly) have no clue how to deal with it so retreat as a response (at the very time your child could benefit from her friend being around).

Might be worth asking her tactfully and explain how important the kids friendship is to your DD.

Good luck

frazmum Tue 31-May-16 21:06:29

Sorry to hear about your daughter & my best wishes for her recovery. I've had a few friends who's children have had cancer (all now doing well). They found you find out who can help you and those that can't unfortunately.

I'd let the friendship quietly fade away and spend time with people who are supportive.

Neon1077 Tue 31-May-16 21:10:06

I'm really sorry you are going through this especially at such a tough time. You need friends by you and your daughter at times like this so it must be quite a blow, more so than usual. Your post resonated with me as I'm in a similar situation but without illness. My DD and her friend love each other although at different schools but it's become apparent to me the mum is good at using people and I've lost favour. At the end of the day I've tried for a long time to maintain a friendship for my daughter but I've now accepted I can't continue if there is nothing coming back as their friendship can only survive at this age with parental input (although my DD is a couple of years younger than yours). A good friend once told me that her friend may treat people the way her mum does as it will be the norm for that family which gave me food for thought.

It is heartbreaking and has left me feeling immensely guilty but I've just become so worn out with making all the effort and trying to read between the lines that I've now given up. What will be will be. I will in time use it to help develop my daughters understanding of the many facades of some friendships.

Put your effort into others, try to limit the amount of time you give thought to this friend and try not to reference her too much in conversation. Make out she is busy whenever your daughter asks and hopefully in time she will become less of an important figure and in your daughters mind the friendship will fade.

Does she have any other friends who are making an effort? Is there anything you can do while she is undergoing treatment? I'm sorry to ask but I don't have a lot of knowledge of leukaemia.

I do understand the hurt though and I appreciate you wouldn't treat her as she has treated you, but sadly people are often too selfish to give much thought to others.

Mumtogremlins Tue 31-May-16 21:25:50

Yes the mum friend does know about her illness as they were there right from the beginning and the whole school knew, due to DDs bald head at school!

Neon - thanks. It's tough as this girl was her best friend and not in contact with any other friends either. She has new friends at her new school but they don't know she has leukaemia (looks fairly normal now) so don't know what she's been through. Which is good in a way. Awkward telling the mums though! Not easy to drop into conversation!

I think after this party, whatever happens, I will give up and hope she doesn't talk about her friend too much. My heart breaks a little more each time. I was only planning on inviting this girl from the old school, along with her new friends. She said maybe she should invite a couple of other old friends in case her best friend was lonely sad

Neon1077 Tue 31-May-16 21:41:52

Personally I wouldn't invite this friend plus a couple of others. I did this for my DD birthday and regretted it for various reasons. In retrospect I should have done something separate for the two of them as it was very hard work trying to integrate her within others from DD's class plus it freshens the friendship in their mind again. My heart breaks too and continues to while they retain a form of contact through a class they do together. They are lovely together but I suspect it's going to end soon although her mum no longer replies to my messages. I genuinely have no idea why, but I've given up. She is too much hard work.

If you can do something with just the new friends which may help your DD bond more with them. If her old friends are there she won't spend the time with her new friends to the same extent. If it becomes too important and she really wants to her best friend there explain you'll try and arrange something separate but also explain how the mum is being and use it as a learning board so your DD can see everyone struggles with friendships and it's all very normal.

BoopTheSnoot Tue 31-May-16 21:44:17

I have no advice to offer, but I just wanted to wish your DD all the very best in her recovery flowers

Mumtogremlins Tue 31-May-16 21:53:02

Neon - maybe it's harder for us than them! I will try and make more of an effort with her new friends and hopefully (but sadly) the old friends will fade. Her mum has let me down several times in the past so if it wasn't for her DD, I wouldn't bother with her at all. Unfortunately the diagnosis really makes you see who your friends are

cupidsgame Tue 31-May-16 22:09:15

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for you daughter. flowers. People never cease to amaze me. I know we can't really tell our kids who we should be friends with but if it was my daughter I'd be telling her to show some thought to her friend who has been poorly and I'd want to know why she doesn't bother with her any more. Your DD will hopefully make some much nicer friends, she sounds so lovely and thoughtful.

cupidsgame Tue 31-May-16 22:09:53

your

Mumtogremlins Tue 31-May-16 22:12:42

I don't know if it's the mum or the child that can't be bothered - I think it's more likely to be the mum due to previous things she's done. I think the child is a nice girl but has lots of other friends and activities so probably doesn't ask that much. My DD is the one that has left and has had to adjust more, so again harder

Cocochoco Tue 31-May-16 22:12:59

I think this is so hard but it's normal for friendships to fade with a change of school.

Neon1077 Tue 31-May-16 22:16:44

I think you're right smile

I try to remember all my negative experiences are useful to help my DD with her friendship journeys smile I hope your DD continues in her recovery and you both gain true and fulfilling friendships x

Mumtogremlins Wed 01-Jun-16 12:48:33

Thanks for your messages. Not going to mention the party again to the mum and see if anything comes back, or my DD gets invited to her party. I'll just have to make up an excuse as to why she can't come, if there's no response

BarbarianMum Wed 01-Jun-16 13:44:30

I think it is totally normal for friendships to evaporate when children no longer go to the same school. I expect the other mum has been encouraging her dd to make new friends to fill the 'gap' your dd leaving created. It seems to have worked - that's a good thing, I think. Your dd will also make new friends at her new school.

I'm realise that your dd's illness makes things tougher but very few friendships at this age are actually life long ones and this one may well have faded even if your dd had not gotten ill and had stayed at the same school.

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