Another MIL one, sorry

[fizzingmum]

I've posted before about MIL being overbearing with DSS and DP to an extent. After a blow up a couple of months ago with DP, he finally admitted that she is gossipy and is vying for first place with DP & DSS. He doesn't like these things about her but that's the way she is and could I please for him, make an effort to ignore some comments and behaviours. I've tried I promise! But the last couple of days have had me . All through my pregnancy she has made remarks like "ooh aren't you big" and "oh she'll be a whopper". I am actually measuring small according to midwife and have told her this several times but she just says no your having a chunk/biggun or any other snidey comment about me or the babies size. For the record I am 32 weeks and still wearing my normal clothes and sleeping on my front, I was much bigger with first two pregnancies. I try to ignore and educate her but she talks over me. On Sunday I popped in to organise Fathers Day in a few weeks. She mentioned my size and then pointed to a chair she was painting for the baby. Then proceeded to tell me how she had bought it for DP's EXGF before me and her child (not Dps child). I was . Could have been a nice gesture without telling me that. Then she asks about names. I told her my favourite and she snorted and said yeah good luck with getting that one past DP. It dawned on me then that whereas DP had been okay with the name originally he had recently decided against it after speaking to her. It felt like a challenge that as she didn't like it there was no way DP would agree. I was furious. Today she has called in to pick my DDs up as she was taking them out with DSS for the morning. I tried to see this as a nice thing but first thing she said was how big I've got since Sunday and then proceeds to call me by DP's EXGF name (DSS mum). It was so obviously on purpose as I had already ignored her calling the dog by EXGF's dogs name. It's so passive aggressive. She then spent the morning with kids pestering DSS on why he was quiet and what had happened at home to make him so quiet. He plays up to this kind of attention but my DDs said he was fine apart from her pestering him to tell her something had happened at home (he is just tired as its school hols and they have all been staying up late). This week is the first time that DSS's Ex has made an effort to have her son in the holidays and MIL has decided that there is more to it than that and that she is not letting him go home. Then says he can stay with us. We have made plans tonight that would be difficult to include him in. We try and do these things when he is not with is so it's fair. But she is controlling she had decided that he is better off away from his mum. AIBU and hormonal/over sensitive? I can't get it out of my head how rude and mean she is to me.

[fizzingmum]

She sees a lot of her but only as she is constantly trying to take over from her in the Mum role. She slags her off all the time to me, but I'm not stupid enough to think she doesn't slag me off to EXGF too. She seems to thrive on gossip and insults and a judgey outlook. She wouldn't take DSS's word that home life was fine. She had to keep picking.

[myownprivateidaho]

To be honest I think yabu about some of this.

Size -I don't think commenting on the size of a baby bump is considered an insult by many people. I agree that it's best not to make personal remarks, but I don't think that it's worth taking offence over in this instance.

Telling you the origin of the chair - meh. She's giving it to you, not the ex.

The name - i would assume your dh knows his own mind. You need to agree the name with him. Even if he is taking her opinion into account, that's his choice. But I wouldn't assume that's what it is. He may have told her that you loved a name he wasn't keen on and she may have told him that it was important to find one you both liked.

Name mistaking - yep that's truly shit. If she's doing it on purpose that's awful.

As for her conversation with DSS - I'm afraid it's not your place to mediate her relationship with her grandson. His dad can step in if he doesn't like it. Her not letting him go back to his mum is shocking but it's his mum's problem not yours(and suggests she doesn't favouritise the ex!).

[fizzingmum]

Thanks myown, I am trying to look at things differently. I should say that each comment about my size or baby being big is followed by a comment about how small and perfect DSS was and such a perfect little dot! It's all so comparative. As for the name I love it DP not so much after she got in his ear. She sent DSS home the other day to suggest we call his sister Sheba! I was , did she mean like a pet or Queen of Sheba? So I mentioned it in passing and she just said "yes I suggested that, like a pet cat ha ha! And then we looked up Queen of Sheba together so I could explain to him who she was!" She really is bitching over it and not even subtly. This morning when she mentioned it she said I will change my mind when I see her. I reminded her that I've already seen her on 3D scan and won't be changing my mind. I just think that she has made it clear that she doesn't like it and now she should just leave it alone.

[myownprivateidaho]

Hmm yeah I guess you'll be able to tell if it's nastily meant. Sounds like maybe she skirts on just the right side of acceptable probably deliberately. I mean that the stuff she says could be just a bit clueless and not unkind (eg the Queen of Sheba comment is weird but not inherently bad unless I'm missing some reference?) but if you know it's meant meanly then of course it would get you down. I guess just keep breezily ignoring it and take the moral high ground -- I guess even sounding delighted about her comments and taking them as if they're compliments. Just because that will piss her off if she is meaning to insult you!

[lalalalyra]

She's not letting DSS go home to his mother? Does his mother let her away with stunts like that? If so I bet the reasoning behind her bitchiness is that she knows there's no way she'll get the control over your baby that she's been allowed to have over your DSS.

[Lovewineandchocs]

Won't DSS' mother go nuclear at him not being "allowed" home? What does ur DP say about it?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Well what would you advise your DDs if someone was being mean at school? Leave them on their own and take no notice. I think you can handle MIL just try not to rise to the bait.

I bet she was acting similarly towards your DP's ex. He may not realise or thinks that you won't be intimidated.

Tbh the baby name issue is often a thorny issue, it's not just here. As an experienced mum you already know what's in store so you are not going to be easily bossed.
At least she seems to have a soft spot for DSS and your girls.

Does she have many female friends? Maybe all her life she felt insecure and competitive so likes to cut others down to size.

[Gide]

The obvious thing: don't share information. My cousin had a baby this morning and no-one had a clue about the name. Her baby, her choice, sort of thing. Don't tell mil anything. Get DP more on side, he should be supporting you above all.

[fizzingmum]

Lala, that's a real light bulb moment for me. That could well be the reason. MIL has apparently been saying to him today "don't worry about anything going on at home, you will always have me". She has also told me on several occasions that she only tolerates EXGF as when DSS turns 7 (in a few weeks) he can make his own decisions. I think she thinks that he will just decide to live with MIL. I spoke to DP this evening and he said that is just what she is like. I told him she is not sending DSS back until she has got to the bottom of why he is quiet. DP said he had a friend sleepover yesterday and that after a busy day in the sun they had a late night and that's why he is tired. Nothing more. Not sure what DSS mum will say about him not being returned as she is flakey anyway. However this week was the first time she has ever taken school holidays off and actually asked to have him home. This was progress but she has chosen to over rule it as she is the only one who can decide what is best for him. And that includes DP. My god you should have seen her PA behaviour when I had the audacity to teach DSS to tie his own shoe laces. I think she knows that it will be different when our DD is born. I will be in control of when she sees her and having seen how she is with DSS I will be reticent to give anything unsupervised. Who knows what she might say about me.