to be upset friends didn't invite us away?(145 Posts)
WARNING! Bit of a long saga here...
I have a set of 4 friends who all went to school together, but I've known them for around 17/18 years. I lived with A for a while and she was bridesmaid at my (first) wedding. We all have kids of a similar age, my DD and Bs DD are 5 yo best friends who have regular sleepovers together. C, I go out regularly with. D I don't see very often and I'd say we're the least close but we get on well. They all have had landmark birthdays this year and I've been part of the celebrations/chipped in for the group presents just between the 5 of us. 3 of us went abroad for a birthday weekend do. So I felt like we were a bit of a group.
Recently I saw a post between 2 of their DHs that made me think the two couples were going away together. Think nothing more. Then I have a text chat with B about half term and she mentions they're going away for a few days with D to a popular seaside resort. Coincidentally, DP and I have also booked to go to the same place on the same weekend. So I reply "oh with A too, that will be lovely, and how funny, DP and I are also there that weekend - without the kids!". The response answers an unrelated question I'd asked. Which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Couple of weeks later I see C for drinks, ask about her half term plans and she says she's around in the second half if I want to meet up. So clearly she is also going on this trip, but I didn't ask as she made no comment as to what she was actually doing.
I tell DP about it, and that I don't know why we weren't invited, and he's a bit annoyed on my behalf, but as he has anxiety/self worth issues probably blames this on himself so I kick myself for mentioning it.
Anyway fast forward to the weekend in question, it's the second morning, DP are ring shopping (finally, we've been together years) and we turn around and bump into our friends all together with their kids. Awkward hellos and hugs, various children ask where DD is, DP starts chatting to one of the DHs and I felt ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL. I made an excuse that we needed to get going, and we walked away while I tried not to cry.
The whole thing has put a massive damper on our happy news - our friends didn't know about it, so I get that it's a moot point, but I haven't actually told any of them yet when normally they'd be among the first I'd tell.
I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others. But I genuinely don't know what.
I'm now torn as to whether I should say something or ignore it - no doubt my odd mood would have been picked up earlier, half of me wants to share our engagement and half of me wants to not invite them to the wedding. Not that I would be so petty, but I feel like I'm 12 and left out of a friendship group again, so much so that I can't sleep and have just cried in bed, like said 12 year old. DD has a sleepover with As DD in a few weeks, and I will lose the battle against not FB sharing our news in a day or so, so it's not like I can just ignore everyone - it will be picked up as a slight if I share without letting them know personally.
If you've got this far, suggestions?
I'd share anyway, they can find out the same time as everyone else.
If it's upset you that much to the point of crying then you need to bring it up to clear the air if you want to remain friends. Stuff like big hurts can erode friendships.
I agree with PP. Brtter to find out the reason behind being left out and clear the air. You don't want it to happen again and be hurt again.
meet up with one of them, the person you think you can be most open with, or the person who you think will be honest with you.
Ask her. Just say - look when we bumped into you all, it was obvious you had all arranged to go away together for the weekend. I was a bit surprised, that you were all together and we weren't asked. Just wondered what was going on, and if there was something we have done?
Ouch! What an upsetting situation.
Is your dp as bothered as you? What is his theory?
Which of the friends are you closest to? Can you approach her to let her know how you feel, and to ask what has happened?
it is a shame this situation has cast a shadow on your happy news.
Could you speak with the one of the group you get on with the best? I wouldn't confront the whole group, as they will just huddle together and defend their decision. I would meet up with the one you get on with the best and just be honest about how you feel and take it from there.
You said three of you went away for a holiday/celebration- was everyone asked on that occasion?
Is there a chance they didn't ask you as they knew you were already going away that weekend to the same place? Perhaps two of them were going, then it turned into a bigger thing but by that time they knew you weren't available so didn't ask.
I can completely see why you were upset and although I'm usually not one for barging in with questions for friends, I think on this occasion you need to know what's going on if you are to continue to socialize as a group, or if you can't because they are basically excluding you (which may not be the case, it's difficult to tell).
I'm so upset by this, I don't know why we were not invited and can only assume it's because one or both of us has said or done something or is disliked by the others.
You know, just because you are all in a big friendship group doesn't mean the whole group always has to do everything together.... people are allowed to do their own thing. Even if it means a weekend without you.
You are reading far too much into this.
Chill out and enjoy the time you have to do your own thing too. Crying over it? You need to grow up I think. Unless you want to be crying at every little slight, makes you sound precious.
Why couldn't you enjoy this special time for buying rings for you and DP only?
Well yes, I'd like to clear the air, but equally not looking forward to hearing that it's because no one likes DP or that I'm too mouthy (despite all the tears I'm actually a bit of an opinionated cow as I get older). DP wondered if it was him - we have had a shit year, what with his DD passing away last summer at the end of a degenerative illness. So I can tell he thinks it's because of that, somehow.
Re choosing one friend yes, I was thinking of texting A and saying "sorry if I seemed a bit off earlier, blah blah blah..." We have been the closest in the past although hardly see eachother now as we live a 2 hour drive away.
Iflyaway yes, we would have enjoyed it and had we been asked I'd have said we couldn't make it but thanks for the invite. The upset is over being excluded. I'm really not precious, though realise I sound it with all the tears, just quite a bit pissed off.
PPs yes, everyone was asked when we went away, two couldn't make it.
Not sure if they knew we couldn't make it, but if so then I would expect it to be spoken about, rather than everyone keeping very quiet about plans.
I am sorry to hear about your DP's daughter. I would hope someone wouldn't leave you out of a trip because of that. That would be a scummy thing to do.
Were they renting a house or were there other space restrictions? If that was the case then they might have decided to go just as the old school friends' group, and wouldn't have talked about the trip in front of you, because it isn't nice to talk about parties, or group trips in front of people who aren't invited.
If they are treating you as normal apart from this trip, it might be that is all it is, or that there is some other innocuous reason. The previous posters are correct, ask your friend and find out.
To clarify, I am a frustrated crier. Possibly the worst kind to be - I cry when I'm cross or stuck rather than a bit sad. Quite a drawback in work situations.
Well they know that you know that they went away without you. Bumping into them has removed any pretence.
I'd confront it I think. Pick one and put them on the spot. "So you all had a good time? Did bumping into us make it awkward?"
If the one you are the closest to you don't see very often now, at least face to face, then could it be that the group is shifting, or rather you are shifting off from the group. I've found these groups rarely stay the same.
I have friends who I consider good friends but we definitely don't always invite each other to everything, parties, dinner parties, sometimes we go, sometimes we are not invited.
Even if you get some answers, as you say, I don't think you will necessarily like them, what if they say we are drifting apart and I'm closer to the other people in the group? Or another reason?
I still think having a heart to heart with one person is best, and not by text either, that's just not the way to see what's going on, you need to see the person and read the non-verbal stuff as well, texting is bound to get too black and white and I'm not sure you will get anything from it. I'd sit on it and wait til you next meet up with someone.
. Have an unmumsnetty hug too. This kind of thing is always upsetting,; however grown up you might be the rest of the time, it can kind of reduce you to being 12 years old and the only one not invited to popular girl's party.... Just reading through the OP it occurred to me that maybe D organised it and as you aren't as close as to her as the others, didn't include you so she was closer to the inner sanctum iyswim. Anyhow, I'd much rather find out what's really going on and clear the air. Been doing that recently and at least 50% of the time I've just completely got the wrong end of the stick, so feel reassured. In the other 50% of cases, I at least know where I stand, which feels better in the long run.
MDS I really don't think it's that, silly theories run through my head at this time of night. I am just not sure what to think. And I don't mind if there's a valid reason like running out of space etc - it's just the leaving out thing that is hurtful, if I was doing the leaving I'd take the time to explain to the friend.
I am going to text A tomorrow and explain how I feel. I guess they will discuss a response together, but at least I'll also be able to share our news, which is the main thing. In all honesty, if we'd not bumped into them, I'd have been far less bothered, still confused, but not as upset.
Thank you all.
I would phone, not text, A.
You aren't going to be happy until you sort it (I wouldn't either) so you might as well just do it.
iflyaway it's not 'a big friendship group'. It's 5 friends. 4 friends leaving only 1 out. It's nasty and childish. There's nothing 'childish' about feeling hurt by people you thought were good friends.
Nope. If it's an event that 3 out of 4 are invited to, we all go, generally. Birthdays, summer bbqs, Christmas gatherings.
Ironically I have always been closest to A and she's the one who lives farthest, but we always fall back into chat like it's only been 10 minutes, however I am unlikely to see her for a while so it kind of has to be text/email.
PP you could be right, D may have organised.
I feel like a bit of a twat for being upset and don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just think that if I'm this affected then I should probably say something or it might come out down the line in an entirely inappropriate manner, like in a drunken rant.
I agree with Extra and previous posters, phone your friend, don't text. It's hard to read tone of voice in a text, or to give details.
Glad to hear it! Texts never end well in situations like this
I'd be upset too have you spoken to DH since you big news?? There is no way one of them new and didn't invite you so as not to spoil things?
Have you called yet OP? If so, how'd it go? If not, good luck!
How could she have called between 1 and 4am?
Don't blame you for being upset, that's a truly sucky situation
Hope A is able to be open about it, but I wouldn't bank on it. The reason being that I've been in a similar situation myself, and tried to wangle a reason out of 2 of the other people, but they wouldn't give one. Admittedly, I was very diffident about it and said I didn't want to create an issue - but they still didn't have anything useful to offer as a reason (and I bet they DO know!) I'm still friends with the 2 I spoke to, have no contact with the one who left me out, and the 4th one is more friends with her than me now, so I don't see/speak to her much either. Sad, sucky situation
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