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AIBU?

....to think that doing a lot of cleaning when you have an unexpected guest is a bit weird?

43 replies

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:20

Today we were due to meet up with a friend, but plans got rearranged due to planned event in our area being rubbish and so I ended up asking her to come to us - DH was present for the extension of this invite and was fine with it.

We met friend at our house (we were out at time of inviting) and I hastily hoovered the most dreadful part of the carpet (all of 1 minute). Bear in mind our house does need its weekly clean, which was roughly scheduled for us to do today. Friend's son frolicked with our DC, while I flapped about seeing to drinks/removal of allergy triggers (he has newly diagnosed allergies). DH went off to clean the bathroom and toilet, which took some time and involved leaving doors to restricted areas open for the children to go through and finally emerged to do a bit of light dusting while friend and I sat there with our tea. At my request, he finally stopped cleaning.

My complaint is that if I visited someone unexpectedly and they flitted around me cleaning, I would feel guilty and like I was a bother. Friend was appreciative of the last-minute invite and I didn't want her to feel in the way, so wished DH would leave the cleaning to a decent minimum while she was here. Upon later interrogation enquiry, he completely refutes that he may have seemed weird and keeps insisting 'but it needed doing'.

He doesn't think it's a bit rude to persist in cleaning your home when you have a guest. I think that once the minimum is done (pants in laundry, toilet clear, no obvious health hazards) you should attend to tea and socialising instead.

Is either of us BU?

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SaucyJack · 30/05/2016 16:23

Whose friend was she?

If she was your friend I see no problem with him getting on with stuff while you two chatted.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/05/2016 16:25

Well, what would he of done otherwise? Was it his friend as well? Sounds like he was just keeping out of the way.

cinnamonorange · 30/05/2016 16:29

I tend to go into frantic cleaning mode AFTER they've been

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:30

Friend to both of us.... the final straw for me was when he dusted the shelf behind her head. In the house I grew up in, you made a point of paying attention to guests and not prioritising other tasks as that could make the guests feel unwelcome/in the way.

Maybe it's an Arabic thing. Either that or I am simply BU!

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whois · 30/05/2016 16:31

Sounds more like your friend - so I think it's ok for him to keep doing things.

babydances · 30/05/2016 16:34

I would love dp to do the cleaning!!

ChilliMum · 30/05/2016 16:36

I have friends who clean when I am there (I suspect they are always cleaning; their house is lovely) and I find it very distracting and stressful. Tbh I really dislike being there as it just reminds me of all the jobs that need doing at home (my house is not so lovely) so instead of enjoying a cup of tea and chat with friends I end up making a mental list of everything I need to do as soon as I get home which I rather resent .
So no Yanbu.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:36

Humph. This is going unexpectedly. Stop challenging my perceptions of etiquette, you people

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LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:37

Yayyy ChiliMum agrees with me; I feel better

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CodyKing · 30/05/2016 16:37

No! It's rude - and makes guests feel in the way and unwelcome

DH does this emptying the bin thing asking guests to move - or he'LL do a job that needs "help" when it's been on a list for weeks - drives me insane!

BigGreenOlives · 30/05/2016 16:37

Did he want to clean the house as he knows this is the last chance until next weekend?

ApostrophesMatter · 30/05/2016 16:38

YANBU. He should have done the minimum then remembered his manners.

TheWindInThePillows · 30/05/2016 16:42

I think it's fine if they dive in the loo for a quick once round, but you are right, after that, the attention needs to be on chatting and socializing, if you haven't cleaned you haven't cleaned, just front it out!

abbsismyhero · 30/05/2016 16:46

dusting behind her head is a bit much but he can clean the loo bedroom and kitchen as long as no one is using it to his hearts content

Olddear · 30/05/2016 16:46

No, I would hate to be a guest in someone's house and they cleaned around me! I'd feel I was being a nuisance.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:47

DH is adamant that it wasn't rude. He also claims that friend is a close enough friend that she didn't mind or care. TBH I doubt she did mind. I mind though!!

I just find it rude. He got unusually defensive when challenged on it, which makes me think I'm challenging very deep-held perceptions of how your home should look for visitors. His mum's house is a showhome and apparently always has been

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CodyKing · 30/05/2016 16:49

I'd rather a warm welcome than a show home - people are more important

Twooter · 30/05/2016 16:50

I would find it rude. It's like saying to them that you have too much to do to waste time talking to them.

Gide · 30/05/2016 16:52

I'd find it rude and stressy.

Boomingmarvellous · 30/05/2016 16:53

Hats off to your DH for cleaning at all! But yes, pretty rude to do it in front of guests.

I just say ' excuse the mess, tomorrow is cleaning day'

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:53

Tbf CodyKing he did do that as well.

He mostly did a good line in giving me space to chat to friend (I have spent more time with her 1:1), but for some reason I find it more acceptable for him to be in the kitchen prepping dinner (which he also did) than in the bathroom scrubbing. Not sure that's very logical of me but there you go.

He did come and have a cuppa and a chat after I insisted he stop dusting. Fair dos.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 30/05/2016 16:54

Can you tell I'm feeling a little bad for starting the thread now

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HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 17:01

If she wasn't really one of his friends and he was busying himself with other things, I wouldn't have an issue.
I would still object to him dusting over her head. THAT would clearly tell her that she isn't welcomed.

However, as she is one of HIS friends too, I think he is weird and rude. The fact that needed doing is not here nor there. He invited her and by doing so postponed any other things 'that needed doing' that day.
If he had been on his own with another friend, (let's say for the sake of argument, one of his MALE friends) would he have spent his time cleaning? I bet not.

Nanou50 · 30/05/2016 17:01

A bit rude for the friend. I would have raised an eyebrow thinking is there not plenty of time for cleaning either before or after the invite… ;)

HappyNevertheless · 30/05/2016 17:02

And btw, in my house there is no 'hat off for him to do some HW'. There is no special price for a man to do HW.
Wake up ladies. IT'S NORMAL FOR A MAN TO CLEAN THE HOUSE TOO!!

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