Every few months my BF needs to spend 1-2 weeks in one of his company's international offices, these are in Asia, USA etc. so not a quick trip to Europe.
In the last year 4 out of the 6ish trips he made I didn't find out until the day before he was due to go, there was one instance I didn't know until he was actually at the airport, about to board a flight to Asia for 2 weeks. He had various excuses for not telling me - he forgot, he thought he had, he didn't want to start a fight about him going (yes, we have fought the day before him going on all 4 of these occasions purely because he's not telling me until the last possible moment, I really wouldn't care about him going as I know he needs to if he actually had the decency to tell me in advance).
The last time he went away it was another instance of him telling me the day before, and at this point I had reached breaking point with his absolutely dire communication, why don't I deserve to know in advance? I felt totally disrespected and worthless that he doesn't see that I'd be hurt at being told "I'm going to Asia, I'm not going to be around for 2 weeks", and of course that starts another fight over the issue, things came to a head and he said this would be the last time, he won't do it again, next time he'll tell me in advance etc. I agreed, it would be the last time, if he done it again I'd be walking away.
I thought we were getting somewhere - in April he mentioned there were plans for him to go to another office for 1-2 weeks in May/June, he wanted me to be aware to avoid historic problems. A few weeks later he mentioned it was going to be pushed to June but "I'll give you at least 4 weeks notice".
Fast forward to now, and you can see where this is going. He was away for the weekend, and called me when he got home last night to tell me his trip is... tomorrow (today). The irony of it all is his excuse for not telling me about it is when the dates were finalised we were in the middle of a pretty big fight about surprise... his terrible communication, something which he started seeing a counsellor for as it was destroying our relationship, and he didn't want to cause another fight by telling me he's going away in a few weeks. He seems to be missing the point here entirely, the fights are over him not telling me until the day before, not because he needs to go. If he'd told me the response would have been "Ok, thanks for actually letting me know in advance".
Obviously I told him that the last time was supposed to be the last time, there was no point making that clear if I was then going to go back on it, and ignore the fact that a few months later nothing had changed, he's behaved the same way etc.
Now I'm lost, it's killing me to lose my relationship over this, I love him but I can't say "don't do this" then just accept it when he does. I just feel like its opening doors to be treated like a doormat and walked all over as it doesn't matter what I say, or what he does, I'm just going to stay around anyway.
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AIBU?
AIBU to end my relationship over this
57 replies
dmsz · 30/05/2016 11:50
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