AIBU to end my relationship over this

[dmsz]

Every few months my BF needs to spend 1-2 weeks in one of his company's international offices, these are in Asia, USA etc. so not a quick trip to Europe.

In the last year 4 out of the 6ish trips he made I didn't find out until the day before he was due to go, there was one instance I didn't know until he was actually at the airport, about to board a flight to Asia for 2 weeks. He had various excuses for not telling me - he forgot, he thought he had, he didn't want to start a fight about him going (yes, we have fought the day before him going on all 4 of these occasions purely because he's not telling me until the last possible moment, I really wouldn't care about him going as I know he needs to if he actually had the decency to tell me in advance).

The last time he went away it was another instance of him telling me the day before, and at this point I had reached breaking point with his absolutely dire communication, why don't I deserve to know in advance? I felt totally disrespected and worthless that he doesn't see that I'd be hurt at being told "I'm going to Asia, I'm not going to be around for 2 weeks", and of course that starts another fight over the issue, things came to a head and he said this would be the last time, he won't do it again, next time he'll tell me in advance etc. I agreed, it would be the last time, if he done it again I'd be walking away.

I thought we were getting somewhere - in April he mentioned there were plans for him to go to another office for 1-2 weeks in May/June, he wanted me to be aware to avoid historic problems. A few weeks later he mentioned it was going to be pushed to June but "I'll give you at least 4 weeks notice".

Fast forward to now, and you can see where this is going. He was away for the weekend, and called me when he got home last night to tell me his trip is... tomorrow (today). The irony of it all is his excuse for not telling me about it is when the dates were finalised we were in the middle of a pretty big fight about surprise... his terrible communication, something which he started seeing a counsellor for as it was destroying our relationship, and he didn't want to cause another fight by telling me he's going away in a few weeks. He seems to be missing the point here entirely, the fights are over him not telling me until the day before, not because he needs to go. If he'd told me the response would have been "Ok, thanks for actually letting me know in advance".

Obviously I told him that the last time was supposed to be the last time, there was no point making that clear if I was then going to go back on it, and ignore the fact that a few months later nothing had changed, he's behaved the same way etc.

Now I'm lost, it's killing me to lose my relationship over this, I love him but I can't say "don't do this" then just accept it when he does. I just feel like its opening doors to be treated like a doormat and walked all over as it doesn't matter what I say, or what he does, I'm just going to stay around anyway.

[AllOverIt]

There's a serious lack of respect on his part, and it sounds as though this lack of communication goes further than these 4 episodes if he is having counselling. Do you have DC together?

[Costacoffeeplease]

Well yes, you only get one last chance, and he's had it

[MaryMargaret]

This is not someone who is likely to deal with other difficult issues well either, by thr sound of it. He seems exceptionally incapable of seeing your point of view, its all about protecting himself from your annoyance, and blaming you. He can't seem to take responsibility for his own behaviour. This does not bode well imo - I don't think I could stand it, personally

[dmsz]

We have DCs (one each) but none together.

Yes, he's terrible when it comes to communicating, he'd rather bottle something up and stew on it than discuss it, which obviously leads to further issues as we then have the original problem, and the fact he wouldn't communicate regarding it, its his issue with life in general rather than just me hence the counselling. I feel this particular issue is far more disrespectful and hurtful than his wider communication issues, especially as it was made clear that "last time" was the last time, there should have been no "this time".

[dmsz]

MaryMargaret I completely agree, I've said this to him on many occasions, he's more interested in protecting himself from a potential fight or uncomfortable discussion. Completely self-serving behaviour which led to the counselling but it's feeling too little too late.

[SaucyJack]

I think you should probably split up. Sorry.

He's incapable of communicating, and you're incapable of not starting a row over it.

You don't sound like you bring out the best in each other to be brutally honest.

[Doinmummy]

I think id end the relationship . He's just not getting it and to be honest his behaviour is very odd. Are you sure he's going away on business ?

[fizzingmum]

My OH is like this and I can't fathom it. Not long trips away but he makes plans and just doesn't communicate them. For example he was going to the races for two nights. It must have been booked for a while as he had a very good hotel. But he didn't tell me until the night before. And recently he decided to go away for someone's 40th. It started off as an overnight trip in the U.K. And somehow ended up 4 days abroad. I spoke to him at midnight on the phone and we discussed meeting the next day. By 4 am he was on a plane and just hadn't mentioned it. The airport is an hour away so he had to have known he was going. The frustrating part is the lies and lack of communication and respect. And what does he think I will say. I'm happy for him to go, just communicate and respect our relationship and my time. I said the same as you OP, it was the last straw. He hasn't done anything like that since and makes an effort to communicate any changes to our routine. If he did I would have to stand my ground, although maybe not permanently. Could you give him a kick in the ass for a few weeks, let him know how frustrating and upset you are. Maybe cut contact while he is away? Let him know what he could lose if he carries on disrespecting you.

[justmyview]

You can't tell him what to do, but you can choose how you react to what he does. In other words, you've told him how you feel when he doesn't give you prior warning of his trips, he's continued not to give you prior warning, the ball is now in your court.

In your shoes, I'd probably call it a day

[Momamum]

Jesus fuckin wept

Not only disrespectful, etc, but depriving you of a shopping list to take with him? I'd red card him for that alone!

[twolinesplease]

Sorry OP I had this and the lack of respect eventually starts spilling over to the situations. The more you give in the more they take the p@ss.

[Chilver]

Do you have a shared online diary? Me and DH had this from when we were just dating. You just have shared access so you can see anything in advance or you could default so that you are always 'invited' to diary entries and vice versa. As my DH is not the best at planning it advance (i.e. telling me so I can make plans around his commitments) now he doesn't have to, it's in the diary for all to see.

[dmsz]

He's definitely going where he's saying he's going. He travels with his team and he's always tagged on social media photos/statuses so there's nothing to doubt there.

No contact whilst he's gone at the very least is going to happen. I really have nothing to say to him right now, he chose not to tell me whilst being fully aware of the consequences. As much as I don't want to end the relationship I don't want this to be the gateway for further pisstaking.

[Jimjamjoos]

What does he get from not telling you? It's a power thing surely? You have to leave. It's too much of a head fuck. Too stressful and confusing.

[sonjadog]

I think you might have to end it, sadly. As the poster above said, it's a massive head fuck. You can't keep living this way forever.

[mix56]

This is bullshit, he must know a few days/weeks ahead, he has to organise his child, so presumably tells the child's mother. he needs to pack. (I am assuming that you don't live together ?) Tell him to heave his hook. You are right, such a blatant lack of respect over an issue that is not one. What would it be like further down the line?

[fizzingmum]

I don't agree that you should end it completely. I worked with my OH (sound so much like yours with a general communication issue) and it can get better. They just need to feel the pain of their actions. If you love each other and lots of other things are good, give it some more time. It's not specific to you if it's across the board so try not to take it personally. 2 weeks is a long time for him to think about his actions.

[timetobackout]

He knows that him going away is causing arguments,even if you say you don't mind, therefore he tells you at the last moment to avoid the grief he will get in the weeks leading up to the departure date. As you don't mention
any practical problems you face from this regarding child care your commitments etc I take it your objection is lack of respect to your feelings.
If your relationship is good in other respects why not hide your feelings and
put a mask on and hide your feelings for the next few times and when he refers the possibility of going away be neutral and don't start arguments.

The problem might resolve itself, or is it the fact the however unreasonable it may be you don't like him going away and he knows it.

[NickiFury]

Do you get angry and sulky about him going away in general? Unless you do there's really no excuse for this. Could it actually be last minute though, my ex H often didn't know till the day before he was going. He sounds annoying but I detect that you are contributing to the dynamic.

[dmsz]

This is bullshit, he must know a few days/weeks ahead, he has to organise his child, so presumably tells the child's mother.

This is something that particularly hurts - he was fully aware enough to tell his ex, but not me?

We don't live together, he was packing last night, apparently between him finding out the dates a few weeks ago and deciding not to tell me because we were fighting about his communication issues he "forgot" he was going/hadn't told me, until Fri/Sat, and as he was away for the weekend until last night he waited until he got home to tell me.

[dmsz]

Do you get angry and sulky about him going away in general?

No, I'm fine with him going away however he thinks that because there's been so many fights over him going away and not telling me that regardless of when he tells me theres going to be a fight. There isn't but I don't seem to be getting that through to him.

He went away this weekend with friends, I knew it was happening weeks ago, there was no reason for fighting/sulking etc.

[KurriKurri]

My XH did this sort of thing all the time - drove me and the children crazy - it is so unfair and disrespectful.

It was partly a lack of ability to communicate, and it was also a control thing. It's a very selfish controlling type of behaviour and it communicates ' I am more important than you, my plans are none of your business and they override any plans you may have'

Is you partner also habitually late for things so that you are left standing and waiting ?

Anyway - people like this don;t change - mine didn't change over 32 years, then he ran off with a much younger woman and I divorced him. My life is so so So much less stressful without his arsing about.

I'd leave him - save yourself a lot of stress and misery - then you have two choices, find a nice partner who doesn't treat you like shit, or live on your own and don't get treated like shit. Good luck.

[Notcontent]

Yes, you should end this relationship. This is about him not wanting to face any difficult situations.

My ex-h was like this. He actually did exactly this - telling me the night before about a trip away, etc. It also extended to other things. It made me feel constantly on edge, like I never knew what he might spring on me next. Now we are divorced he is still like that.

[Horsemad]

How would he react if you did the same to him OP?

Personally I couldn't cope with this and would leave.

[dmsz]

He's not controlling, and doesn't do it for power, he does it because he doesn't want to face reality at all, especially when he's under the wrong impression that its going to result in a fight.

How would he react if you did the same to him OP?
I'd expect he'd be as equally hurt, but he'd sit and stew on it, he wouldn't tell me he's upset, I'd get "It's fine" when it obviously isn't.