To split from my DH because of his cross-dressing?

(389 Posts)
Miso104 Mon 30-May-16 00:17:52

We've been together for 16 years and I found out about his cross-dressing by accident nearly 3 years ago. I've tried and tried to come to terms with it but I can't. The stress of it all is making me unwell - I can't sleep, I'm in tears on a regular basis and there are times I want to hurt myself just to give myself something else to think about. I've had three useless attempts at counselling. One said it was my fault he cross-dressed, one said nothing at all and the other gave me three sessions and then said 'well, I think we're done, just remember to pop the Samaritans number in your phone'. This suggests to me I must be the one getting it all out of context and that somehow I should just accept this and carry on. AIBU to just admit I can't accept it and that we have no future together?

BillSykesDog Mon 30-May-16 00:20:46

YANBU. You really have tried haven't you? It's just not working. I have seen a few threads on here about how devastating this can be and how poor support for people going through this is. I know there are some people on here who've been through it who will hopefully be able to give you some advice. flowersflowers

BastardGoDarkly Mon 30-May-16 00:21:18

Not unreasonable AT ALL. You've tried, for years, it's making you miserable.

What does your dh say? He can't want yuppy to be this unhappy can he? Just like he has a right to do what truly makes him happy, so do you.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 30-May-16 00:22:14

What is it about it that upsets you this way?
You should probably speak to a professional about how you are feeling to try to work some of the issues out

phoolani Mon 30-May-16 00:25:05

This isn't about BU or not. It has become apparent that there are aspects of your DP that you don't like and can't accept. You have tried to accept these, but you can't. It wouldn't particularly bother me, but it bothers you and that's all that matters.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 30-May-16 00:26:10

Can you work out what it is exactly that bothers you about it? Are you able to discuss it with him, and possibly a better therapist?

Miso104 Mon 30-May-16 00:44:51

I've given up on therapy, I'm fed up with it being a waste of time and money just to feel worse. I can't talk to my DH as he really doesn't understand. It always ends in a blazing row. He doesn't get why I feel like he's a different person.
I'm so unbelievably sad about this causing the end of our marriage and it being my fault because I can't accept it. I feel like such a failure.

Canyouforgiveher Mon 30-May-16 00:49:15

She doesn't really need to work out what is bothering her or go to therapy or figure out what upsets her. I think she already knows all this.

OP has been dealing with this aspect of her dh for the past 3 years. She does not want to be in a relationship where the man is cross dressing. that is ok. nothing wrong really with him cross dressing but it isn't for everyone, he didn't reveal it to OP before she made the choice to marry him, she tried to integrate it into her life - and turns out she can't.

OP it is ok to feel this way. Maybe time to call it quits and try to remain friendly/civil.

emotionsecho Mon 30-May-16 00:51:06

You are not unreasonable, you've tried to accept it and come to terms with it and you can't. It doesn't matter why, you don't have to justify yourself, you're not comfortable with it and are unhappy to the point you are looking at self harming, for your own sake you need to separate.

steppemum Mon 30-May-16 00:54:55

I don't think YABU.
Your relationship has changed. You no longer feel as if you can stay with him. It doesn't really matter what causes the change, if for one of you it is a deal breaker then the relationship will not survive.

I am so sorry for you trying to work this all out. It must be very hard.

For those suggesting she gets professional help, did you miss the bit in the OP where she said she had, 3 times?

Destinysdaughter Mon 30-May-16 00:55:20

That must be very difficult to come to terms with as he's not the man you thought he was. I don't blame you for feeling sad or that you've been deceived. You have 2 choices, either to accept it or to leave as he cant help who he is ( tho it would have been good if he'd told you before you got married ). None of this is your fault. You just need to decide how you want to go forward with this now you know who he really is.

What do you want to do OP?

Myusernameismyusername Mon 30-May-16 00:55:36

I suggested professional support because OP clearly is very distressed, regardless of the why's and therefore I do agree the irrelevance but all the same, I do not like to think of anyone trying to work through this alone x

EverySongbirdSays Mon 30-May-16 01:01:22

He IS a different person now because he is not the person he presented himself as when he dated and married you.

I was coming to say YABU because I thought that you knew before you married which is totally different but YANBU because you didn't have ful disclosure and have only recently had to completely adjust a perception of who he was.

It's the same as discovering any other fetish, like finding out your OH wanted to be a Human Pup or wanted to go Dogging. You might not have taken those vows had you known. It's a kind of fraud.

MitzyLeFrouf Mon 30-May-16 01:01:47

YANBU

Don't feel you're a bad or intolerant person for not wanting to be married to a man who cross dresses. It's okay to not be into it. It would certainly be a deal breaker for me.

You've tried. It's not working.

EverySongbirdSays Mon 30-May-16 01:07:55

Fraud is actually a legit reason for divorce in the USA. I know this because Renee Zellweger cited it when she got divorced.

Miso104 Mon 30-May-16 01:11:18

What I really really want is magic powers to make this all go away. Daft or what? I think that's what I've been trying to do for the last couple of years. Thinking if I wished hard enough it wouldn't be true. And I've tried pretending I hadn't made my mind up and I hoped against hope that counselling would show me a way to accept it and be tolerant. But nothing is forthcoming. I'm just left with the hard fact that I can't accept it. And I think I'm being unreasonable. Because I can't work out why it matters so much, but it does matter.
(Lying in bed with tears pooling in my neck fat)(Tis a charming image, I'm aware)

Myusernameismyusername Mon 30-May-16 01:21:23

Have you been seeing the same counsellor all this time?
Only asking as I have been 3 times and the 2nd time I just did not gel with the counsellor and we made little progress. I actually left feeling worse. Then I got the courage to try again and it was with a new counsellor who I felt understood me better and progress felt easier.

VioletBam Mon 30-May-16 01:33:14

I'm sorry you're so sad OP....it must be hard but I honestly can't see what's wrong with a man who likes to wear women's clothing at times.

I never understood it but then I watched RuPaul's Drag Race and it really opened up a new way of thinking for me.

What is it exactly that you don't like about him dressing as a woman?

BillSykesDog Mon 30-May-16 01:39:44

but I honestly can't see what's wrong with a man who likes to wear women's clothing at times.

They're in a relationship. Relationships generally have a very strong sexual element. Cross dressing has a sexual element in a way that being transgender doesn't. To be in a sexual relationship with someone who has hidden a large part (possibly the largest part) of their sexuality from you is a huge breach of trust. It also raised big questions about sexual compatibility which can be deal breakers.

I haven't watched drag race, but drag in general also doesn't usually have the sexual component so strongly emphasised in the way cross dressing does.

TopazRocks Mon 30-May-16 01:39:52

Miso, you have tried. You aren't being U. And although your husband can't help wanting to cross-dress, he is being a little unreasonable, I believe, in not seeing this is v hard for you, that he kept a secret from you - for years it would seem.

I am tolerant of all sorts of behaviour including cross-dressing - but I am absolutely sure I would be as unhappy, distraught even, as you if my husband did it - and especially if I'd been lulled into marrying him without knowing. of course you haven't said. Assuming he was a cross-dresser when you married. It is a kind of betrayal in my view. And from what you've said, OP, it's been a one-sided effort for you - he gets to do what he wants/needs to do but you are the one having to deal with it. And he can't see how hard it is for you. U are not being U.

I can't believe there isn't an online support forum for people in your situation. No idea what it would be called. I hope you can get to talk to people in a similar situation as i have no experience of this.

OfficiallyUnofficial Mon 30-May-16 01:41:41

Does it matter why she doesn't like it? She doesn't, simple as that. It's a fetish and she isn't on board with it.

OP it's terribly sad but don't chuck your and his life away struggling in a relationship that isn't working. You both need to move on and be happy.

EverySongbirdSays Mon 30-May-16 01:42:44

You've missed the point VioletBam

There's nothing "wrong" with it, but it changes who she believed him to be as a person and he hid it from her for 13 years.

That's huge.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Mon 30-May-16 01:44:59

Violet It's funny, I agree with your first sentence. What is wrong with it?

But then... "What is it exactly that you don't like about him dressing as a woman?" is what makes me go... ohhh. I don't think I'd like that either.

I think Eddie Izzard looks good in "women's" clothes. Being an ex-goth I like eyeliner and other makeup on men. But... is this more a case of a man erm, appropriating womanhood? Which involves lots of pampering, "sexy" objectifying type clothes (but not other aspects of womanhood like being lumbered with the childcare and housework...) and everyone must support him in finding himself blah blah, screw the DWs feelings?

<dons TERFy hard hat>

OneMillionScovilles Mon 30-May-16 01:49:26

As one of those strident feminist types... (dons hard hat)

I don't see the need for clothing etc to be inherently gendered. Not so long ago women in trousers wasn't even remotely the done thing. I could understand your "he isn't the man I [thought I] married" more if your DH were transgender (I'd personally be ok with that, but that's a whole other me-railing segue). If you only/mainly wore dresses when you were dating then decided you enjoyed wearing trousers and forgoing makeup at times, would you expect him to react or just let you get on with it?

What is the real issue here? E.g.:

- Can't get past you wanting to wear a skirt. That's girl stuff and you feel less masculine to me now
- I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you dressed like that (I realise OP hasn't indicated he's XDing outside the home
- I'm worried you're gay / trans and aren't telling me the whole truth

Etc

OP, you shouldn't put up with anything in a relationship you can't tolerate, whether it's cross dressing or an obsession with Doctor Who. I'm just curious about the root of your concerns and whether you've explored them beyond "too weird for me".

OneMillionScovilles Mon 30-May-16 01:55:55

And miso I really hope I haven't come across as minimising your feelings when you're so obviously being made miserable by this. I do realise you aren't a science project - I guess know I'm just an overanalyser who feels better equipped to help if I know what the root of the issue is.

Doesn't change the fact that if it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker for you. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bigot.

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