regarding my piercings?

[PiercingsAndPosing]

First ever AIBU so please don't rip my head off!

So I've had a number of piercings for many many years since I was a teenager. I wear a stud in my nose all the time as it heals over quickly if left out. But the 9 in my ears, I tend to leave out most of the time and put a few in to suit my mood. I don't normally wear studs in all 9 piercings at once.

Yesterday I put all my studs in at once, on a whim. I decided I liked them all together and left them in.

DH (who knew about my piercings when we first met, but has probably never seen them all in together until yesterday) said to me "Christ, do you thing you're wearing enough earrings?" To which I replied "yes thanks", lightheartedly. He went off on one, saying I was setting a bad example to DD (9) and that I looked "tacky and horrible", and that it was a "major turn off" to see a woman with "chunks of metal hanging off her". All this was said within earshot of DD. DD doesn't have her ears pierced, on his say-so, but will probably go behind his back and get them done at some point within the next few years.

So, I simply responded, I didn't get to my age by listening to rude, over-critical comments about my appearance. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the evening.

This morning, he asked what we could do tomorrow. I responded, "unless you can apologise and mean it, for outwardly criticising my appearance and choices, you can do something on your own". To which he went off on one again, about me "trying to be 18 all over again" (FWIW I was way past 18 before he even met me...) and how unattractive and artificial I look with metal sticking out of me. To my shame I then lost the moral high ground by snapping "well I don't like you in shorts, with your gut and skinny legs, but I keep my mouth shut about it for the sake of politeness!"
He then wittered on for an eternity several minutes about how I'd hit a nerve, made him worry about his appearance, hurt his feelings etc. He's now gone out with the kids, and I'm at home fuming.

I know IWBU to lose the moral high ground so spectacularly (and I will apologise to him when I've calmed down) but AIBU to expect an apology from him also?

[Samcro]

yanbu he is

[blinkowl]

YANBU. He was very rude, and also saying that kind of stuff in front of your DD is not on.

And it's probably the wrong thing to say but if you've hit a nerve then he needs to have enough insight to realise tgat's what he did to you. Why do only his feelings matter?

[PPie10]

Yanbu he was rude to you but I agree it looks tacky. Especially if your DD wants them too now, what would you say.

[ItWentInMyEye]

Yanbu. I've got piercings in all the time, wouldn't contemplate taking them out for anyone else. Your body, your choice! He definitely overreacted, especially if he knew you had all the piercings. He owes you an apology, if for nothing else then for belittling your personal choices infront of a child old enough to understand. Love your response btw, go get something pierced while he's out

[IJustLostTheGame]

He's a cunt.

I have 8 piercings in my mid thirties and planning a daith one soon. I think they look awesome. And my dd is learning that people can wear what they like and that's their business.

I've just got a new tattoo. I love it. I think DH hates it, but has kept silent because he knows I am happy.

I would apologise to him but with all your piercings in.
And tell him you decide what and what not to put in your body's holes.....

But this isn't really about piercings is it? It's about control. Because he's being a controlling cunt. Criticising you in front of your children is a nasty thing to do.

[HoneyDragon]

He was a bellend. He could simply have said that he wasn't particularly keen on them all in at once. Same as if he disliked a top or similar. It's still your body your choice. But he didn't.

I'm majorly disgusted that he described things as a turn off in front of your dd, that's appalling and if nothing else is fine he needs to be majorly pulled up on that shit.

[PiercingsAndPosing]

Thanks all.

PPie - I wouldn't have a problem with any of my kids having one piercing in each love if they wanted, but as far as I'm aware (and in happy to be corrected) it's no longer legal to pierce the cartilage if the child is under 16 - most of my piercings are through cartilage and I had them done in my late teens. When they get to 16, they will hopefully be aware that their bodies are their own, and they can do as they please with regard to decorating them.

I would be furious if DD's future partner was to try to control what she wore (be it clothes or body jewellery) and I do junk it sets a very bad example to hear DH try to do this with me - it's almost like he's normalising it to her.

Of course I am aware I might be looking into it to deeply. I'm just bloody cross.

[MonkeyPurpleDishwasher]

He's a dick. YANBU at all.

[PiercingsAndPosing]

HoneyDragon - yes I was a bit 😣about that comment too, but I decided I would only draw attention to it if I retaliated to it, so I ignored it.

[PiercingsAndPosing]

PPie - above should read "lobe" - fuck you autocorrect 😳

[potoftea]

I don't think you should apologise yet, it'll reinforce his belief that he is right.
When you can calmly discuss it maybe explain you are sorry you hurt his feelings but it was an exact copy of his behaviour and wanted to demonstrate how hurtful it was.
If he hates your piercings, that's fine, but he needs to discuss it in a respectful way and maybe a compromise would be reached. But he's lost all hope of having his viewpoint respected when he was so disrespectful to you.
I say all that as someone who hates piercings but who believes in respect for other's choices and views.

[DoreenLethal]

He then wittered on for an eternity several minutes about how I'd hit a nerve, made him worry about his appearance, hurt his feelings etc. He's now gone out with the kids, and I'm at home fuming.

I woudlnt apologise, you just did that to reflect exactly what he was doing to you. If he cant take it perhaps he should shut the fuck up in future.

[BadDoGooder]

Nope YADNBU!
He is an arse.

I have lots of tattoos and piercings, if anyone, at all, said stuff like that to me, they'd be getting more than a comment about their gut from me I can tell you.

I don't think you are over thinking it tbh. Kids need to grow up knowing they have full bodily autonomy, and that includes getting whatever decoration on it they like (at the appropiate age!).

No one is entitled to tell a grown person what to put in their bodies.

[PiercingsAndPosing]

IJustLost - I am also planning a new tattoo (when I can afford it) and I know he will hate it, but I'm taking the view that once it's on, there's naff all he can do about it so he'll just have to put up and shut up, or find himself a new undecorated model - either is fine by me!

[Snurf]

YANBU, he is! IMO the worst part is what he said about it being a turn off for women to have piercings. This is an appalling attitude towards women and could give your Dd that women should just exist to please men!
Agree that perhaps you shouldn't have bitten back and criticised his appearance but hopefully he will be able to see that it does hurt when people do it. As pp said his feelings are not more important than yours!

[Damselindestress]

I can't believe he's whining about you hitting a nerve when he was so rude about your appearance! He needs to realise it goes both ways and he should think about how he made you feel. I completely agree that you don't want your DD to think his behaviour is normal.

[Penfold007]

How is your relationship normally? There seems little mutual respect

[PiercingsAndPosing]

Potoftea - thank you, I find your comments very helpful, but what would you suggest as a compromise (genuine question, no sarcasm intended!)? Wear some but not others, as I have been doing for around 12-14 years? He didn't seem to notice them at all then! Perhaps wear smaller studs? He'd still know there were studs in there and feel compelled to comment! Plus why should I feel the need to compromise anyway? Perhaps I could suggest he can "compromise" by wearing a t-shirt with his shorts at the swimming baths - I very much doubt he'd go for that (his gut isn't that big at all, and I'm far from disgusted by it - I just needed a comeback and that happened to be the first thing I thought of )

[BranTriLlygaid]

I can't see how what you said was any worse, how does he not see what he said about you is just as hurtful? I also have piercings and tattoos, my partner has none. I still would be quite shocked if he came out with the comments your husband did, after years of accepting the person they are suddenly it's a problem . Tell him to get his arsehole pierced, it may avoid him talking out of it.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

He's being an arse!

Just so you know, though, there's no legal restrictions on any piercings except nipples/genitals. Although most salons require parental consent for U16's :)

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

This quote from Will Smith when asked why he "let" his daughter cut her hair is one of my favourite responses:

“We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body?” said the actor. “If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world.”

He added, “She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that is hers.”

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

...and this is what Jada Pinkett Smith said on the same issue:

"The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women,girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be."

Maybe your DH could have a quick read of them?

[PiercingsAndPosing]

Penfold - he does have history of pulling me up in front of DD when I do something that he doesn't necessarily agree with, but I do make sure I speak to him when she's not around and explain why he shouldn't be doing it it's just a shame that the bloody message never seems to go in. We are both very stubborn,and I admit that if he pisses me off, I will do things that piss him off without feeling too guilty about it. I am talking about minor things here though (like wearing my body jewellery, using a tea towel for more than one dry-up, leaving the shower head in my preferred position etc, it's not like I spit in his food or chat up his mates!)

[potoftea]

I guess as a compromise I mean maybe moderating your look when you are out together..if my dh had clothes I hated, I'd expect him not to wear them when out with me and put them on if he was going out without me, I'd feel it was a reasonable way to assert his choice without inflicting it on me.
So I guess similarly I'd think if you are going somewhere with your dh you should compromise and not wear all your piercings but be free to wear them other times. Obviously he'll still see them around the house before/after but he has to allow you be yourself too. But he only deserves any such allowances if he starts behaving like an equal, not like a parent or school principal!

[rainbowinfusedspaceunicorn]

YANBU, for all the reasons you've said. He's not setting a good example to your DD and you were right to stand up to him.
I second what TheOnly said about showing him what Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith said about their daughter.