To consider leaving DP over this?

(57 Posts)
Tuesday11 Sat 28-May-16 21:27:12

DP and I have have a dd who is 3 and a half. I went back to work full time when dd was 9 months old. It was always our intention to have another dc and I went back to a job with long hours plus a long commute to Central London on the understanding that when dc2 arrived I'd have a year off work with time to commit to dd and then I would look for a part time job closer to home.

I am sat here 3 years down the line and DP has finally decided he doesn't want another child. He has kept putting it off every time I've asked saying he's not ready yet but would be soon/making excuses why it was never a good time.

I did eventually fall pregnant at the end of last year but it sadly ended in a miscarriage, he said we could try again straight away but he then walked out for a few days and have since reconciled and things have been going well.

He has decided this week that he actually doesn't want another child in the near future. Is this something I should potentially leave him for? Or am I being over dramatic? I understand that he's within his right to change his mind about having another child but I feel like he's completely let me and our dd down and failed to appreciate what I've sacrificed because of the plans we'd made. I feel like I've let my dd down because I have missed out on spending quality time with her because I've been at work so much.
I'm struggling to work out whether DP has done anything really wrong or whether I was just naive to put my life on hold waiting for dc2.

booksandcoffee Sat 28-May-16 21:34:52

Sorry to hear about what is at least a major disappointment. Only you can make the decision is ion, though I guess it depends on whether he changed his mind or was never for having two. That decides whether it is a trust issue. If he has other redeeming qualities and is otherwise a good father and partner perhaps you need to look at the bright side and forgive. Good luck.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 28-May-16 21:38:52

I think it's great he's being so honest

You've not missed out on spending time with her. At 3 her memory of this time will be v patchy... The quality time years lie ahead

Tryingtostayyoung Sat 28-May-16 21:39:01

Personally I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is do you want another child more than you want the family you have now? Because ultimately that is what it will mean. I can sympathise as before my DD came along I had stated I wanted to DH that i wanted a big family 4ish kids, I've now decided that I would only like 2 maybe 3 and I would be devastated if DH left me because of that.

Also, I don't think you can really blame him or feel tricked into returning to your job with long hours and missing out on DD, you ultimately made that decision. I understand why you did it and now it seems unfair, but people change their minds about things as upsetting as that may now feel for you.

Rosae Sat 28-May-16 21:39:35

I'm sorry to say this, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. I have one baby and am not ready for another yet. However we were in a similar situation before trying for her and I was prepared to leave him when he said he wasn't sure he wanted kids after all. Said he needed to decide or I'd be off and meant it,and would mean it again. Having said that, it feels awful to feel you may have pushed someone into having a child they don't want, for both them and the child. I think if he said it again I'd choose to walk than stay and argue.

TendonQueen Sat 28-May-16 21:43:55

I would say 'in that case, there's no point in continuing in a job situation I intended to be just till we had a second child. I'm going to start looking for part time local jobs now', and see how that was received. If you want to spend quality time with your DD then focus on that. If he's one of these men who gets all fidgety at their partners dropping down from full time work, then you'll find out.

BlackVelvet1 Sat 28-May-16 21:44:42

Could you take the time off now/change job so you can spend more time with DD? She is there already and I am sure she would love to do more stuff with you.

AgentZigzag Sat 28-May-16 21:47:30

If everything else in your relationship was great would you feel that this would be a deal breaker?

I don't think you would.

It looks to me like this could be the (possibly very big?) straw that broke the camels back, but if you want more children and are not prepared to hang around waiting on him to chop and change his mind then you'd have to look elsewhere? (sorry if that sounds a bit crude, can't think of another way of putting it).

Do you regret getting back together with him after you'd split?

gentlydownthestreamm Sat 28-May-16 21:54:03

I think there are a few ways of looking at it...

a) do you want another child so badly you would rather leave him and take your chances finding a new partner?

b) do you think he has been playing fast and loose with your feelings and making empty promises to further his own interest? In which case you could well decide your relationship is irreperably damaged and that you don't want to be with him.

c) do you think he has genuinely had a spo ntaneous change of heart and is being true to himself saying how he feels - and do you want to be with him enough to be able to get past your own disappointment and sense of loss in the face of this.

stilllovingmysleep Sat 28-May-16 21:58:30

I agree with the poster who said that one clear thing seems that you want to be spending more time with your existing DD so find a way to do that.

In terms of the rest, I sympathise. How hard! I think you need to negotiate and discuss (many times if needed) with your DH. And see where you get to.

Pinksx2016 Sat 28-May-16 22:00:08

Stay with him, talk it through you having a Mc recently might of been the reason he's changed his mind about it, men dont tend to talk they bottle things up maybe he's just not ready right now and is protecting you and him self from anymore grief if you have something great now don't ruin it, things might change in the future xx

princessmi12 Sat 28-May-16 22:04:13

YABU .you owe your REAL child full family and not a broken home for the sake of children you might never have.

DoinItFine Sat 28-May-16 22:10:15

You owe yourself a happy life with a partner who treats you well.

Just because you had a kid with him doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiki22 Sat 28-May-16 22:12:31

I feel for you dp said no more which I was gutted at but I wouldn't have left him we have a great family life. He changed his mind when ds was about 3 and said go for it so we started trying he had a few wobbles but never started using any protection now I'm expecting ds2 hes over the moon.

princessmi12 Sat 28-May-16 22:14:08

Doingitfine
OP being selfish ,wants to get her own way and you encourage it?Well done!
I think op's DP is being grown up about it and takes family planning seriously .Maybe he can't provide financially for 2 dcs and SAHM at the moment ?

Iggi999 Sat 28-May-16 22:32:34

He walked out on you after you had a miscarriage? I would not have let him back in.

Iknownuffink Sat 28-May-16 22:33:04

"Mummy why do we not live with daddy?"

"Because darling I wanted another baby."

"Mummy you don't have another baby."

Iggi999 Sat 28-May-16 22:33:34

How is she being any more "selfish' than her husband, Princess? They both want their own desire fulfilled. Though he doesn't sound very sure what he wants.

Iggi999 Sat 28-May-16 22:35:27

Iknownuffink try reading over your post and see how much of a prat it makes you sound.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sat 28-May-16 22:36:48

It is selfish to want another child, and equally selfish not to want anymore children.
Are you happy and satisfied with you current relationship?
I know about that yearning to have more kids...it's a primal thing. Alas in our modern day society we have learned to rationalize our reasoning for wanting to have more babies.
I would have loved to have had another child but it wasn't to be. I'm just so grateful to have been blessed with one amazing daughter.
What would be the advantages of having another child OP?
I'm in no way advocating people have only one child.

expatinscotland Sat 28-May-16 22:37:23

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Lynnm63 Sat 28-May-16 22:39:37

I think you need a long conversation with your dh. He left you after your miscarriage, why? Was he distraught that you lost the baby and needed to lick his wounds and regroup or did was it I don't have to stay now you're not pregnant. Do you think he's worried you'll lose another and he doesn't feel he could cope with that? We forget sometimes that miscarriage is hard in dads too.
Or is he worried you'll want yo be a SAHM leaving him to be the breadwinner.
He owes you honest answers to these questions. Then you need to decide what you can live with. Can you be happy with one child and dh or would you rather cut your losses, be a single mum and hope to have a second child with a new partner if dh really doesn't want another baby.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sat 28-May-16 22:40:44

The fact he walked away from you when you were mourning the loss of your unborn child speaks volumes.
Is this about the health of your relationship or about you wanting another baby??

princessmi12 Sat 28-May-16 22:41:30

Iggi
Children are not toys and should not be approached as in desires fulfilled .There has to be financially and emotionally stable environment before ttc! Do people not realise miscarriage affected DH too?Walking out is a shitty reaction but reaction nevertheless..
Iknownuffink is completely right . Exactly what could happen in future if OP leaves.

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