To ask 'DH' to go and stay at his brothers?

[suchafuss]

I am currently at uni and my course requires preparation for practice which basically means that i have to attend outside of timetabled lectures, training and complete voluntary hours.
This week has been extremley busy, I had three days of training as well as volunteering on Saturday evening for two hours, on call Sunday but not called out and Monday evening for an hour and a half. I was also helping my friend respond to a serious allegation that means she could be thrown off the course. The help I have given is rewording her responses in a more 'corporate' style.
The final document had to be in on Friday and as i was training all day Thurs/Friday I asked her to email it to me so that I could work on it Thursday evening. I started on this while dinner was cooking and got back to it straight after. Meanwhile I asked husband to keep DD 9y occupied. By 9pm he had finished two bottles of wine (yes he had work today!) at which point DD was playing up. He stormed into the kitchen and had a real go at me for putting everyone else before my family. He would not calm down and DD was getting increasingly upset so I went to bed with her (we have seperate bedrooms).I felt very vunerable as he is 6ft 4 and I am only slight in build and he was being aggressive. Then when i did get to bed my DD was still crying and told me that DH smacked her for being naughty.
I didnt sleep well and as a result had to cancel todays training and DH is still insisting that I should not have provided the help despite the fact he knows that if I say i will do something I always do it. I can't help but feel this outburst was connected to his drinking. He regularly drinks 3 bottles of wine on a Friday/Saturday then 2 on Sunday and usually one on a Thursday. I now think that his drinking is causing the family problems and texted to tell him to not come home and stay with his brother. I don't think I was BU given the circumstances but does he have a point that I am neglecting him and DD?

[LotsOfShoes]

YANBU. He's an abusive drunk. I know first hand what alcoholics do to their families and it's awful. Just awful. If you stay with him, your DD will never forget the violent outbursts, the shouting, the constant fear, the constant wondering and hoping he'll be in a good mood tonight.

As for neglecting your DD -no,absolutely not. You need to build a career to take good care of her. He doesn't want you to do that bc he wants to control you. You're getting out of the house, building an independent life and he can see it and he hates it.

Remember that the vast majority of children have working mothers, don't beat yourself up for it. You need to build a good career and leave this abusive arsehole and set a good example for DD.

[Mooingcow]

Oh dear. So sorry you're dealing with this.

YANBU to ask him to stay away. He's drinking excessively and you and your DD are beating the brunt of his alcohol abuse.

He needs to get help.

He physically assaulted his daughter while drunk and verbally abused you.

He needs to sort his life out sharpish.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

He drank 2 bottles of wine and smacked your 9 year old? If anything you're under reacting tbh

[coconutpie]

He's an alcoholic, he verbally abused you, he physically abused your DD. LTB.

[Hissy]

So he gets pissed, can't even keep a 9 yo occupied for an hour, let alone keep his hands to himself

Is he doing this to undermine your new career? Or has he always been so spectacularly unsupportive?

He got drunk and hit your dd.

He drinks 7 bottles a weekend? Starting on Thursdays? How many units is that and why would this ever be acceptable?

You need to tell him to leave, not ask.

[positivity123]

Ask him to pack his bags. You aren't neglecting your daughter you are studying and he should be supporting you.
He got pissed and hit a child. He is a horrible man.

[leelu66]

LotsofShoes and others have said it all.

You are not neglecting DD. He has the problem, not you.

Please protect your DD from him.

[Iknownuffink]

Sounds as though he is trying to sabotage your studies.

Do not allow him to do that.

[whois]

So he gets drunk, shouts at you because you're trying to better yourself and then takes his anger out on a nine year old child by hitting her?

Yup that's a LTB

[wombthereitis]

So the woman working her way through a uni course to better herself is the selfish one as opposed to the man who tanks nine bottle of wine to himself every week? I'd be telling him to stay and not come back. He's an abusive alcoholic.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

No, he doesn't have a point.

He's an abusive alcoholic, you & DD deserve better. You can't live like that.

If he comes back call the police. He's a big bloke with a temper who is pissed off, don't take any risks & don't assume that you know he won't hit you.

Be safe 💐

[wombthereitis]

And if anyone's neglecting your DD it's him, if he can't even look after her for a short amount of time without getting shitfaced and hitting her

[Hissy]

How are things today love?

[TheMaddHugger]

((((((((((((soft Hug)))))))))))) suchafuss

You already sleep in separate rooms, so It's not a big stretch of the imagination - He is big trouble.

NO You are not neglecting her. Completely the opposite.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh you poor thing. Hope you got some sleep and you & DD are feeling better.

A drunken screaming match presumably in ear shot of your dd, and then finishing it off by hitting his child. Well. What a revolting man.

You are not the one causing problems in this situation. That amount of alcohol is clearly not normal, no matter how big he is. Drunk people cannot function as a partner or a father, they may pretend they can, but they just cannot. He sounds like a scary, unpredictable, drunk. It's not something you or your dd should be exposed to, let alone on a weekly basis!

And I agree with others that he's probably 'acting out' to force you to fail or pull out of your course. Becoming qualified and more independent is extremely threatening to some people.

Just as an aside, how is smacking regarded normally in your family? Has it ever been acceptable? Sorry I'm asking as I don't want to assume anything, NOT that anything would excuse his behavior in the slightest, it would just add context.

[suchafuss]

Slept so late this morning. I know his drinking is excessive and I have tried to get him to cut down or stop but he won't. Several months ago he was prescribed antidepressants but when I pointed out that they were not compatable with drinking he stopped taking them.
I lived in pubs as a child and to me up until recently, drinking was normal and it was only a few months ago my therapist pointed out that it was likley that my father is a functioning alcoholic. My sister has also married a man who drinks to excess. I feel so angry at times as i seem to have repeated my family pattern.
I think i should point out that although my husband does have a drink problem up until this week he has always been supportive and kind, a great dad and i just want him back. I feel like i have lost him to drink and know that if he is an alcoholic i cannot put myself or my daughter through that.