AIBU if I don't tell an old friend before I move away? (Long post)(72 Posts)
Ok, so I have a bit of a dilemma.
Bit of background first. I have been best friends with the same woman, Jane, since we were 14 year old girls. For 22 years, we were very, very close and even had our children in a similar time-frame.
Cracks began to show in the relationship about 5 years ago as I began to feel it had become very unbalanced, with me constantly providing practical, financial and emotional support while she didn't really offer very much in return. It eventually got to the point where I began to feel that unless I was doing something for her (looking after her children etc.) I was surplus to requirements.
In January of this year, we went on a planned weekend away with another of our close friends, Lily. It was arranged the previous Autumn and we booked theatre tickets/hotel etc. as a Christmas present to each other. At the time of arranging, Jane made things quite awkward as although she said she wanted to come, she was quite negative about it - insisting on only staying for one night instead of 2 and eventually booking her room at a different hotel to myself and Lily - she explained this as an error on her part as we had looked at 2 hotels. I was hurt and pissed off by all this, as was Lily, but let it go as I knew if I didn't, it would be portrayed as me being "controlling" (I admit I am one of those people who likes to be organised - I like to know what time we are going somewhere etc., whereas she is more relaxed about times and doesn't make/stick to plans).
Anyway, myself and Lily went to the hotel on the Friday, had a lovely day/night and were joined the next day by my Jane. She was supposed to be getting to our hotel around 12ish so we could all go for lunch etc. before the show but she didn't actually arrive until 5pm so we had a quick dinner before heading to the theatre.
Afterwards, we went back to our hotel and had a couple of drinks. Whilst there, our mutual friend was talking about a crappy situation with her partner and I was commiserating, in the vein of "why are men such wankers?". At this point, Jane began to extoll the virtues of her partner and tell us what a shame it was that we were both in awful relationships with awful men. Which I wouldn't have minded too much if a) her partner wasn't actually a massive douche-bag and b) my partner is was actually pretty alright and c) it was pretty insensitive to Lily who was actually having a shit time of it and didn't need her nose rubbed in a "perfect relationship" (albeit an imaginary perfection!).
So, Jane and I got into an argument, I asked her several times to tell me how she was feeling and why, she said she didn't want to talk about it then accused me of looking down my nose at her. I snapped back that perhaps she felt that way because I am always the one that knows one she's when she's fucked up because I'm the one she calls when everything goes to the shit and I am the one who picks the pieces up!
I don't regret saying what I did, it is true and it had been a long time coming. We have not spoken since that night. It was an argument she created and this is borne out by Lily, too. Lily has told Jane that she feels the argument arose because of Jane t if she wants to try to salvage the relationship, she should call me so we can talk about it and at the very least clear the air. She has never called. I miss the relationship we used to have but not the one we had for the last 3-5 years because I felt un-valued and manipulated.
My son, whom Jane has known and been a part of his life since birth, recently turned 18. Jane did not send a card or any sort of message to him.
My dilemma is that I am now organising a family move. I currently live a 20 minute walk from Jane and we have lived this close for the last 15 years.
The move will mean we will be a two and half hour drive away.
A big part of me wants to go without saying a word, but i have this niggling voice in the back of my mind saying "what if she needs you and you aren't there?"
What would you do?
p.s. Sorry for the novella!
"My Jane" is a typo, not being possessive XD
Personally I'd go and not tell her. She hasn't contacted you - nor acknowledged your son's 18th which might have been an opportunity to extend an olive branch by way of sending a birthday card. It sounds to me as if the friendship has run its course and you have outgrown each other.
Long standing friendships are lovely, but I think there is a danger of overlooking diverging interests/views/directions simply because of habit and loyalty. Quite often the differences can be accommodated, but if the friendship has become very one-sided, then it can be difficult to take a step back and review it objectively, because helping and supporting has become ingrained over the years.
You'd already started to feel this way before you had the argument, so I would chalk it up to experience and move on from it.
Just go! From the sound of your post you don't want the friendship/it's been gone for I a while. It sounds like your finding it is hard to break the habit of being there for her
I would go without saying anything as well. It sounds like all this woman does now is use you and isn't interested in you as a person. Run for the hills!
You are noin Germany friends. Do not feel responsible for her. Move and don't tell her. You owe her nothing. You shared good memories and you have tolerated her for too long. Just go.
You are no longer friends. No idea what Germany bas to do with it.
Fresh start and new friends.
Wow everyone is harsh. I'd have to tell her. A relationship of 22 years deserves that, I think.
No, don't bother letting her know. She can always contact 'Lily' if she really needed you in the future. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it tbh.
Why? You'd feel obligated to tell her after feeling used and manipulated for five years? Unhealthy. .. no contact from her even to send her DS a Birthday card upoothis major milestone Birthday at 18. OP owes this Woman nothing! !
IT sounds like the friendship has died on both sides. She hasn't bothered contacting you since, and neither of you sound like you like each other. Just move and move on. She would find you if she wanted to anyway.
I just would have to. Jane has bought it on herself, but still, your oldest friend moving that far away is a huge deal.
I'd go and not say anything. It's the the same relationship you had, it's evolved into something quite draining for you by the sounds of it. In this day with social media and the internet being the font of all knowledge, I'm sure if she wants to extend an olive branch or needs you, she'll be able to fine you. Plus, I'm presuming she has your number anyway?
I wouldn't tell her either. I know a pp said it's a 22-year friendship but if she could ignore the 18th birthday of your son (whom she must have known all his life) then she is showing you how little she values you as a friend now. To contact her might make you look desperate to be reconciled, and it doesn't sound as though you are. (I certainly wouldn't be).
A great clean break! I'd not tell her, just go and don't contact her anymore. You said things haven't been working for 5yrs. That's enough!
I'd send a little notelet with your new address, nothing more. Be the bigger person.
How is her normal way to contact you (when you are speaking!), is it to turn up on your doorstep, or does she have your mobile number, e-mail address, facebook message? Because unless you are changing those, if she wants to contact you, she can do.
If you were going to send out printed 'we've moved' cards with your new address, then pop one in the post to her. Otherwise, I assume if she wants to get hold of you, she'll have multiple avenues to do so, including asking Lilly.
I'll preface this by saying I'm not Jane in this story.
Perhaps Jane is a bit raw after having all of 3-5 years worth of pent up angst and feelings of being unappreciated dumped at her door in one night. Perhaps Jane is still processing all of this information and needs time to digest it all.
However, as you are moving, I'd leave my contact details with Lily and leave strict instructions that they are only to be passed to Jane if Lily says that she wants to discuss what happened in the hotel bar and to clear the air. That way, you can still be in touch with Lily but only involve Jane if and when the above ever happens. Lily on the other hand can stay friends/acquaintances with Jane if she wants as it wont be of any consequence to you.
Move, enjoy the move and don't worry about Jane.
Just go. You haven't spoken since January and she hasn't bothered with your son. The relationship is dead.
"what if she needs you and you aren't there?"
What if you need her, would she be there for you? It really doesn't sound like it any more from what you've said. If you try to stay in touch what's going to happen? More of her using you and guilt tripping you? I understand that in your head somewhere there's still this beautiful friendship going back years, but the truth is it's just not the there any more. Time to move on.
Also to add if she would only contact you if she needed you, not because she wanted to spend time with you, then you aren't friends really. This is a very one sided relationship by the sounds of it, and she's decided she doesn't need it anymore.
I think I would just go too and try to put the whole thing behind you, she's not sought you out in the meantime and is unlikely to do so in the future.
I would be inclined to just move and say nothing. This is not an equal or healthy relationship. If you feel bad about it (and why should you?) is it possible to tell others (maybe a gossipy mutual friend) about the move in the hope that they may pass the info on on your behalf? This sounds awfully sneaky I know, but it may work.
'If she needs you' sounds like she is too needy and you're on a guilt-trip about her problems. Maybe she should stand on her own two feet more and this would actually be doing her a favour in the long run.
Do it. The relationship has been dead in the water since that argument. Accept that you've grown apart and the friendship has run its course. If she wanted to mend things she'd have done it by now. Move away and have a fresh start. You've done nothing to feel guilty about.
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