... to be in floods of tears

(27 Posts)
Auti Wed 25-May-16 19:20:30

My Mum died 5 months ago.

Before she died I'd uploaded pics of her onto Facebook when she was much younger and happier.

After Mums funeral I felt numb.
I wrote that she had passed peacefully but she really hadn't.
Before she went in hospital, she told me she felt half dead.

In her last days few days in the hospital she really suffered. She struggled day by day to breathe.

On her last day in her eyes she was asking us for something, she managed to lift her hand and I realised she wanted a drink. (she had been on IVs for weeks)
I had thought/hoped she was getting better but she died later that night.

I had carried on work and stuff though I think slowly my levels of anxiety and distress grew.

In the last few weeks the anxiety grew so much I cant face work or the world.

Earlier today, I looked at lovely pics of Mum, when she was a baby, a girl, a so pretty young woman and then our mum.

Then I remembered her suffering at the end and that I was not with her when she passed away.

Skittlesss Wed 25-May-16 19:22:21

sad big hugs sad you are most definitely not unreasonable to be in tears. You have suffered a terrible loss and it'll take a long time to get used to living with the grief xx

iamjellybean Wed 25-May-16 19:26:01

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a long time ago when I was still a teenager. It was probably the worst 18 months of my life, I still sometimes wonder how I got through it.
It's going to be hard but it's just your normal grieving process. If you don't have anyone you're happy to share with but feel the need to talk maybe consider grief counselling? Try not to dwell on the fact you weren't there at the end, I'm sure your mum knew you loved her.

dottycat123 Wed 25-May-16 19:26:05

I'm sorry you sound so sad. Have you contacted cruse who help with bereavement?

TvAddict2016 Wed 25-May-16 19:27:30

Sending you massive hugs too.

I always find crying therapeutic. ...... its my way of releasing. Grief is awful and we all deal with it very differently. So if it's how you feel right now then just go with it.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it won't be as raw as today.

More hugs

BoopTheSnoot Wed 25-May-16 19:33:28

YANBU. It's still early days. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve; it can take a while for it to sink in.
Is there anyone supporting you through this? flowers

SemiNormal Wed 25-May-16 20:20:20

Crying is very beneficial, it releases build up of stress hormones. YANBU, be kind to yourself flowers

acasualobserver Wed 25-May-16 20:29:37

Five months is very recent. It takes a long time for the sad, painful images from the end of a loved one's life to be replaced by the happier ones. One day the lovely pics you talk about will be the ones you remember first.

Summerdays11 Wed 25-May-16 20:33:42

It's awful to think of those we love Suffer. You maybe weren't with her at the moment she passed but you were there - she wanted water you realised and responsed . You were there . Do you have anyone you can talk it over withcakeflowersbrew

velourvoyageur Wed 25-May-16 20:39:51

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry flowers I'd like to hear about your lovely mum if you feel like telling us some things about her?

Foofoobum Wed 25-May-16 20:41:18

I am so sorry for your loss - I know it's hard not to think of the suffering but when my grandmother passed (she mostly brought me up) I took solace in knowing she was no longer suffering. I was so privileged to have known her that I couldn't help feel happy about that part. I know that's maybe an odd way to approach it. I hope you find peace x

HummyMummy72 Wed 25-May-16 20:42:49

Auti - Reading that made my heart sink, I'm so so sorry for your loss. flowers

Onlyicanclean10 Wed 25-May-16 20:53:41

Go with your grief my darling and be kind to yourself. It's very early days and crying and missing her and feeling whatever it is you feel on any day is absolutely ok.

Huge hugs flowers

cocochanel21 Wed 25-May-16 20:54:51

Sorry for your lossflowers.

Grief is really hard to deal with. My Dd1 died 8mths ago in upsetting circumstances. I find it very hard to think about her without remembering how her life ended. I've recently started bereavement counselling and have being told it is very common to feel like this.
Take Care.

MirriVan Wed 25-May-16 21:01:02

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's all still so very raw - of course you're still in bits about it.
This may not be the right thing to say, and I apologise if it upsets you further - but I truly believe that some folk want to slip away when they're alone. They really appreciate you being with them but can't bear for you watch them do it, so they wait a little until you've gone. There's no point in telling you not to feel awful about your mum dying - that would be ridiculous, but please don't feel bad that you weren't there - think of it as what she wanted, because she wanted to protect you because she loved you so.
Also, I know it is the worst thing in the world to watch someone you love suffer, but a few horrible days don't cancel out a well-lived and well-loved life - please forgive me if I'm what I'm saying doesn't work for you, but when I've dealt with similar thoughts I've told myself '[Loved One] would want me to remember the years and years of happiness and feel sad, but not to remember the last bad few weeks and feel distraught'.
I hope that you have a good support network - please look after yourself during this horrendously difficult time.

shazzarooney999 Wed 25-May-16 21:01:08

My mum died 7 and a half months ago, today is my first birthday without my mum, we haddnt always had the perfect relationship it was tough, but now shes gone i miss her, course she came with problems but she had reasons for those problems and yet i spent so much time resenting her, i just wish id had more understanding when she was alive and not dead xxxx

Ilovenannyplum Wed 25-May-16 21:03:22

I'm so sorry for your loss sadflowers
You are absolutely not in the wrong for crying, you cry as much as you want if it helps you x

Onlyicanclean10 Wed 25-May-16 21:04:23

coco so so sorry that must be hell. Just hell flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 25-May-16 21:27:07

Let me give you a massive hug
(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))). Of course YNBU. You have a good cry.
I lost my mum 7 months ago, so I know what you're going through.
I have good and bad days. A song can bring on tears.
Hello from other side and together again have me literally sobbing. Infact this may seem odd but I often listen to those songs to bring out the tears.
The part in together again that gets me the most is. "No worries will you ever see, now baby. It resonates because my poor mum didn't have the easiest of lives.
My mum's spirit also died long before her body did.
On good days. I think. My mum's out of pain. She's in a better place. I have nothing but happy memories. What's sad about tgst., and on bad days like I say. I'm a blubbering wreck.
flowers xx

tinyterrors Wed 25-May-16 22:17:13

Sweetheart I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through 💐 . I've been there and know just how hard it can be to get through the next hour or even the next minute. But we do, somehow, some way we do get through it.

I'm two years ahead of where you are now and I still find some days so hard to get through. It does get easier to get through each day as time goes on, it's gets easier to remember all the good times without remembering the end. I couldn't look at a picture of my mum for over a year, I just couldn't, now I can look at her picture but still get teary eyed sometimes.

Do you have someone in real life to talk to? If not talk to us and we'll listen. I know nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but I found having someone to talk to helped so much.

Please don't feel bad that you weren't there at the end. You were there the day and days, years before, and that's what matters. I too don't want to upset you but I too believe, like Mirri, that sometimes loved ones wait to be alone before they slip away. The day my beloved nan died I was with her all day at the hospital and it was the moment she went into the x-ray room where I couldn't go that her heart stopped.

Your mum knew you love her, as she loves you.

Welshmaenad Wed 25-May-16 22:56:57

YANBU.

You're not unreasonable to cry for your mum at any point - 5 months, 5 years, 50 years - from when she died. You're not unreasonable to still feel raw about her final days and worry that she may have suffered.

I lost my mum 2 years ago and her final days were very difficult, she was in pain and very confused. She was not like my mum. But I hold onto the little moments, like yours with the water, where only I was able to give her the comfort she needed. With my mum it was the transfer off the commode the last time she was able to use it. She was unsteady and frightened and I took her in my arms and lifted her back to bed, and she threw her arms round my neck like a toddler. It was heartbreaking and yet that moment of care and trust is important to me when I look back on her last days with us.

Your mum would be so proud of you. How you cared for her at the end, how you've coped since she has gone - losing your mum is one of the hardest things you will ever deal with, and just getting up each day and functioning as an adult can feel overwhelming, but you're doing it. She would be so proud.

Auti Thu 26-May-16 21:20:24

Wow,
Thank You all So Much x
I did not think anyone would be kind!!!

Sorry I had feared to return to AIBU for a day or so.

I'm autistic as well as missing my mum

ratspeaker Thu 26-May-16 22:00:22

I was devastated when my mum dies as I hadn't been there with her. We'd left to get something to eat then planned on coming back
The doctor in the hospice told me it often happens that way, dying can be a private thing like going to the toilet some people want to be alone.
I choose to believe this, others may not.

Grief can catch you out when you least expect it. A memory, a picture, a smell , my worst time was in a shop where I saw a jumper and took it to buy thinking " mum would like this" . I almost couldn 't breathe when it hit me she would never see it.
As time goes on these moments lessen and we can remember the good times, the fun and the laughs

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 26-May-16 22:34:22

You're grieving the loss of your mum. Something that we've all been through, going through or are dreading happening. Why on earth would any one be unkind to you. X

MeLittleDuckie Thu 26-May-16 22:38:50

OP YADNBU. I am so afraid of losing my DM, I don't know how I'll cope. I'll just have to I suppose. But what you're feeling is totally normal. I hope things get better for you soon.

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