MiL visits(25 Posts)
Let me preface by saying I have a great relationship with the MiL- she's lovely and whilst she's no angel (has to be centre of attention, likes the sound of her own voice, can be slightly manipulative to get her sons' attention) neither am I! So ultimately I think I'm lucky to have her as a MiL. My own parents live about 3h away so when they visit we have to arrange in advance when we have a free weekend so I know myself and DH have no plans and spend all our time with them. MiL lives about an hour away & for as long as DH and I have lived together she will call up DH and announce she is visiting - with like an hour's notice. And DH, without checking with me will agree and before I know it I have to drop everything as MiL is here- and she will come in the morning and stay until tea time. I don't mind her visiting, it's great to spend time with family but AIBU to ask for a bit more notice than an hour? If she came for just a bit of lunch or a catch up over coffee for a couple hours, that wouldn't be so bad, but the whole day? As well as a demanding job, I'm pregnant with my first kid and it's taking a lot out of me, so weekends are my chance to rest and pay attention to hobbies and errands that get totally neglected during the work week. I've suggested to DH that maybe we plan a bit more in advance when she comes for the day so I can make sure I get time to do the things I need, but all he hears is me saying 'I don't want to spend time with your Mum' which is not the case...!! So, AIBU in wanting a little bit more notice?
What would happen if you didn't cancel any plans you had in place when she phoned?
No, YANBU. Why on earth does your DH hear 'I don't want to see your mother' when you're saying 'I would like a bit of notice'. Does he normally 'mishear' you if he doesn't like what you're saying?
quite often BertrandRussell, it fluctuates. At one point was 3 weeks in a row! Prob averages like once a month- again, would be happy to see her at that rate or even more, just with more notice than an hour :-/
I would just carry onwith whatever I had planned for the day, including the more mundane stuff like cleaning and washing. Be perfectly pleasant to her, of course, and stop for lunch, but if she's visiting you at her convenience, she has to accept that you won't be stopping everything to entertain her.
No yanbu- and in the kindest possible way you need to nip this in the bud now before baby arrives as it will happen much more frequently trust me on this.
Sit down and speak to DH and tell him you love her visiting but need more notice and he needs to check with you if you're free. I don't think you need to necessarily say anything directly to mil I think if she calls a couple of times and you're busy that day or only have time for a quick coffee then she'll soon realise its better to ring ahead.
Good question SaucyJack... have never dared so I don't upset her (by the way how do you tag...?) If I say to DH 'oh but I had planned to take it easy/do XYZ today' he takes a bit personally like I'm rejecting his mum (they're pretty close)
Should add here the DH is generally great, this is just the one bone of contention...!!!! He doesn't normally mishear things tbh - it's just he's so close to his Mum I think he doesn't quite grasp why anyone WOULDN'T want to spend all day with her at the drop of a hat...!
I've been quite concerned that maybe I'm being a bit unpleasant that's all. X
Thanks everyone - glad to know I'm not being a total knob. Will deffo attempt another conversation with DH on the topic xx
I agree with those saying just carry on with your day, to the point of leaving the house to do stuff if you need to. If either DH or MIL challenges you, tell them pleasantly that with notice you'd have happily rearranged your chores/hobbies/errands.
Repeat as needed.
If either of them sulk or whine, let them. It doesn't have to affect you.
I'm close to my son but I can't imagine he'd regularly want me popping over and spending all day with him unless he has a list of jobs for me to do. Does your husband not have any hobbies or stuff he wants to do? Maybe stress that as you are pregnant he doesn't have many more free weekends left and to make the most of them not stay in the house chatting all day.
I think saying let her come and get on with stuff isn't the answer as the house still isn't really your own to relax in if you have a visitor, especially one who likes the sound of her own voice. Is she bored because there is no FIL?
I'd be leaving the house for a few hours when she's due to get the message to your husband. Why can't he go and visit her or take her out somewhere if they want to spend time together?
2rebecca, I agree just getting on with your day with her there might not be easy, and I did say the OP should leave the house as well when she wants/needs to, but I think it's worth making the bit of effort to be pleasant but occupied when she comes round. It might start to get the message through.
There is no FiL 2Rebecca, he walked out on her and the kids a long time ago but she does have friends and a job of her own, she's not some lonely little lady. Our house is small so tough to get on with stuff when there are visitors, but I think you are all right, have to not let the surprise visits stop me from getting stuff done and making time to relax. Was woken by some good strong kicks at 5:30 this morning so I think when Junior arrives we'll have our hands full!!!
I guess reading this I have to question the communication between you all. You say you have to drop everything when your MIL visits - Why?
Carry on with what you have to do, invite her to help/join in/tag along. She may be completely unaware that you are doing this and may actually be quite upset if she found out.
The fact you are always 'doing nothing' when she comes round may be encouraging her to think you have nothing to do and so she see's her visits as being welcome. As you clearly say she is lovely then there is no reason to think she is expecting you to do this.
You can do it pleasantly and even suggest you would welcome her input in whatever it is you have to do - if she is not happy with this then she will probably reduce her visits.
I agree with not cancelling and just maybe let her tag along or help etc. When PIL come over (sometimes they come last minute as well) we don't really change our plans - if we need to do something, we do it, including boring chores etc.
Have you tried turning up at her house a few times with only an hour's notice....see how she likes it the other way around?
omg she sounds like my MIL and it was hell when DC1 was born as she would turn up whenever she wanted and refuse to leave until midnight even when we were exhausted and asking her politely to leave. I would get some ground rules established before the birth. If you do it now it'll be a minor blip rather than the huge explosion we had. Just say that you are very busy with various things at the moment and that it would be better to phone the day before in case you are not in. Or get DH to proactively call and plan a few dates in advance for the next few weeks as 'you are very busy at the moment so you want to plan ahead to make sure you will still see her'. He can do this regularly and hopefully the dynamics will slowly change. It helped my DH a lot when I explained to him that it didn't have to be a confrontation or an argument, just a gentle steer in a better direction. You will need to be consistent if you want the dynamics to change and not revert back. I'm sure a couple of comments will be enough to resolve this.
No, YANBU. It's rude to put yourself on someone like that.
As you say for a bit of lunch or an hour or two would be OK, but the whole day is not on with so little notice.
"We are really busy these few weeks mil, drop us a text if you're planning on coming, I'd hate for you to waste a joirney.'
Then plan some stuff, and go out. Plan to be unavailable about half the time. The other half, be welcoming, pleased to see her and include her in the stuff youv e planned rather than dropping everything to entertain her. Hopefully that'll get her into the habit of calling first and being aware you have lives!
Surely at the moment it's her son she is coming to see and visit and not the pair of you? That will change once your baby arrives and I 100% agree on getting some good ground-rules set up now so that you all know what the story is when needed.
If she is coming to see you both and you have plans that you've already told your DH about, pop your head around the door and say "Sorry Mary (not her real name but if it is I'm a good guesser), I can't stay but I didn't want to run out the door without saying hello. I've got X, Y and Z on today but DH will be around for the day. I'll try and get back to see you before you leave but in case I don't, it was lovely seeing you" and then head out to whatever you've got planned.
Do that once or twice and she may just get the message that you're not waiting on her to visit. As someone up thread mentioned, because you appear to not be doing things or going out whenever she has visited up to now, she may think that you're not having to change or reschedule other appointments for her visits.
Also, if your DH has to entertain his mother for an entire day without you being around
to help, he may decide off his own bat that he should say to her to give you a bit more notice before she arrives in the future.
in a few months time, this sounds a great source of free babysitting. they can coo over the baby whilst you nip out and get your hair done/go shopping.
All good points people, glad to feel I'm not a unreasonable sod after all. Will have a word with DH and if she insists on coming at the last minute will just stick to my original plans regardless!!! x
How about calling her on Wed on Tue or something like to ask whether she's planning to visit at the weekend? Or whenever she does visit asking her when she'll be coming over next? Maybe that way she'll learn you must be told in advance.
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