Night Owl vs Early Bird AIBU

(29 Posts)
Yukduck Tue 24-May-16 22:54:09

My dh works Mon-Fri and his shifts can be 8am to 4pm, 9am to 5pm or 10am to 6pm. It varies.
I work 5pm to 9pm and 10am to 2pm (weekends) so I can do childcare for my daughter. I have a 2yo grandaughter.
Dh loves the "earlies". He swaps shifts with colleagues at every opportunity so does mostly 8am to 4pm shifts. He is up at 6.30am putting on the TV, singing in the shower, chatting and making us a cup of tea, and generally making sure I am awake too. I could gladly throttle him as I am still sleep deprived from being knackered from my shift the night before. Dd and granddaughter arrive just before 8am. I have granddaughter til 4.30pm. My day has no breaks or time for rest before I rush off to work myself.
AIBU to think he is being selfish by doing as many early shifts as he can and waking me up. When he does the 10am to 6pm at least I get a lie in til 8am.
I do love him to bits, and he does work hard, but I find myself gritting my teeth at 6.30am. I am just looking for sympathy really as am so knackered atm.

myownprivateidaho Tue 24-May-16 22:56:04

Well I presume you've explained the problem and asked him not to wake you up? Why does he not just be quieter?

whois Tue 24-May-16 22:58:21

You have spoken, asked him not to wake you up? And only a total dick head would continue to do so.

You do child care 8-4.30 for your grand daughter. Then work 4.30 till when? Sounds tough.

DoinItFine Tue 24-May-16 22:59:45

I think your problem.is not with your lovely partner but with the fact that you are running yourself ragged doing two jobs.

Maybe cut down on your childcare duties?

Presumably it doesn't pay as well as your job?

Bubbinsmakesthree Tue 24-May-16 23:01:06

Are you a light sleeper - would he still wake you up if he wasn't making so much noise? Otherwise the obvious answer is that he gets up quietly and lets you get another hour of sleep whilst he still does his preferred shift.

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 24-May-16 23:01:25

Lots of sympathy from me flowers DH is a lark but we have reached an accommodation over the years. Hence he hasn't been murdered grin

NinaSimoneful Tue 24-May-16 23:03:05

He can do as many early shifts as he wishes. If he wakes you up and in the meantime he is a big fat hairy dickweasel and please tell him I said so.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 23:04:34

Why are you tiring yourself out doing so much childcare for your DD? That sounds like the bigger problem. If your DD arrives before 8, I don't see a problem with your DH being up and making coffee or whatever at half six - surely you need to be up and dressed by about 7.30ish so you can be ready to look after your granddaughter?

Can you cut down on childcare or drop some of the late shifts? It sounds like you're working 6/7 days a week?

Yukduck Wed 25-May-16 08:38:46

Don't want to drip feed (as it is so irritating) but I do the childcare free for our dd. She is early in her office career so not brilliantly paid.

Dgd starts nursery in September this year! Yay! This is part government hours and dd will top up so I will be down for one day childcare per week.
I can catch up on sleep and may spend the whole of October/Nov/Dec daytime napping and reading which will be sheer bliss. I was very tired when I posted as it had been a hard shift (call centre) last night.

Dh just loves life. He just loves sharing every moment with me. He often misses the arrival of dd and dgd as he has left for work so I guess he just needs some company before he goes off for the day.

I HAVE spoken to him but we just get the equivalent to the bottom lip wobble job. If he wasn't so lovable I would have murdered him by now. He is a bit selfish but his plusses just about balance out the negatives.
I feel a bit more human after venting, so thanks to all for the support.

Just realised it is bank holiday Monday next week so I get a day off and (hopefully!) a lie in!! Happy Days!

DeadGood Wed 25-May-16 08:45:58

OP I just read your update.

It's ok to be irritated by this, you know.

I'm sure your husband is perfectly lovely, but it's not on to deprive your partner of sleep they need. You work hard. Would he be impressed if you bounced in at 11pm, sang at him, urged him out of bed and all with a big grin?

No, he wouldn't. Because he needs that sleep to facilitate his beloved early starts. The same way you need sleep to catch up from your late nights.

curren Wed 25-May-16 08:49:51

Yabu to want him to do late shifts.

Yanbu to expect him to be quiet and leave you asleep.

But Yabu putting all the blame for your tiredness on him. Your shifts and tiredness is in part down to helping your Dd out. Which is entirely up to you. But it's not all your dhs fault

seeyounearertime Wed 25-May-16 08:52:35

How come you don't get a rest in the day?

A 2 year old should be happy watching cartoons, YouTube, frozen or what have you so that you can rest with a cuppa. If you're trying to fill every day with activities and running yourself ragged than I'd say cut back a bit.

Doesn't change the fact that your OH is being a bit inconsiderate and should shush himself.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 25-May-16 08:53:31

You're understandably shattered, you're effectively working over full-time hours for way below minimum wage.

It's good you'll be able to cut down on your childcare soon, but will you still be working every evening as well as weekend mornings? Unless you're deseparate for the money I don't think that's sustainable long-term.

Hope you get to catch up on some sleep soon!

brummiesue Wed 25-May-16 08:55:42

I think you are kidding yourself here. The problem is your dh, tell him to keep quiet and leave you alone until its time for you to wake up. If you wont do this then don't complain, you have made a rod for your own back by allowing this.

amicissimma Wed 25-May-16 09:04:34

So you'd like him to change his preferred work/activity patterns so that you feel better doing your preferred work/activity patterns? Does that really seem reasonable to you?

NU to ask him to get up as quietly as possible, though, keep the TV down and leave you to sleep.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 25-May-16 09:17:47

OP is efffectively working 13 hour days 5 days a week, and still working on the weekends for half the day - I don't think she's knackered because her DP is waking her up at half six (when she has to be up and ready before 8 so she can provide childcare for her daughter - it's not like she could sleep in until 11am or anything). She's knackered because she's looking after a toddler all day, then going out to do her paid job without a break!

DoinItFine Wed 25-May-16 09:22:00

She's knackered because her daughter is massively taking advantage of her.

I hate larks as much as the next Peter Andre, but the early waking spouse is not the issue here.

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 25-May-16 10:36:42

Do you actually need the money from working? Given that you appear to be doing a 70+ hour week for very little money?
Does your dh do a 35 hour week? If so that seems massively unfair on you. Could you redress that? Either dd pays you what she'll be paying nursery next year and you drop a couple of shifts or (and) DH picks up a bit more work allowing you to drop a shift or two.
You'll make yourself ill

curren Wed 25-May-16 11:05:40

Why should the dh take up more hours to facilitate the OP doing free childcare?

For all we know he may not be happy she is doing it and not agree with it.

AppleSetsSail Wed 25-May-16 11:08:08

What does your husband think about you looking after your granddaughter?

Yukduck Wed 25-May-16 11:24:42

I knew what I was taking on with dgd when my dd went back to work after maternity leave. I actually volunteered to have dgd to help them manage their mortgage. DD's partner works long hours. It is hard with a toddler, but I would not want it any other way. I am just so very tired now and after nearly 2 years of childminding, and am just hanging on in there for nursery to start.
I do part time hours (4 hours per shift). Dh does 37.5 hrs so he does almost 10hrs more, also in an office. Funny now you mentioned it deadgood but when I get home around 10pm he is usually asleep in front of the TV.
I would love to change my job but the hours fit in so well with my dgd that I don't want to jump ship and end up worse off for working conditions.
It is just very hard living with the most cheerful person in the world at 6.30am. I wish I could just infuse a portion of his positivity but I am just plain knackered!!

Yukduck Wed 25-May-16 11:38:00

Dh is happy if I am happy.

apple and curren he thinks it is wonderful that I have our dgd and always wants an update on our day together. I try and factor in visits to the park, the local shopping centre (so I can do my shopping bits), and visits to friend's houses (gives me a bit of a break) and the library. She will sit and watch a dvd but only if she is tired. She likes to help with the housework so that helps me too as I can get on with things whilst she dusts.

I had so much more energy when my own children were young and that makes the difference really as dh has always been a morning person and I have always loved my bed! Roll on September!

Yukduck Wed 25-May-16 12:54:58

Hermionie Thanks, I am tired and tbh when dh is just so perky when I wake shattered most mornings it just grates. I know it is not his fault I am tired. And it is not mine or dd's either, nor dgd's. It just is.

It is like going back to when I was a new mum myself, always tired. At least we have jobs and lovely bc's and a dgc but a lie in would be good too! Roll on bank holiday Monday.

DoinItFine Wed 25-May-16 13:31:12

It is your fault and your daughter's fault that you are so tired.

Full time childcare for free when you still need to work yourself is just a crazy thing to either offer or accept.

This child has two working parents.

It is outrageous for them.to explot you like this.

AppleSetsSail Wed 25-May-16 13:34:45

Your husband sounds lovely.

I think you're slightly bonkers to look after a toddler in your very limited free time but I understand that you're trying to help your daughter. As you say, roll on September.

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