For seething that we are the only ones ever asked to help elderly parents?

(139 Posts)
Roonerspism Tue 24-May-16 14:39:35

I'm increasingly cross about something but have no idea if I'm being selfish. Go gently, please...

Parents in law live a 2 hour round trip away and both chronically unwell. Constant medical appointments and procedures and investigations. I get on well with my MIL. FIL is a rather unpleasant, controlling man who treats women like cretinous idiots (hence the reason for the following I think)...

We have four young kids and DH's sister has one.

I have just received the following call from MIL "Jonathan (who is FIL) will either come out of hospital on Friday or Saturday so [RoonerDH] should be there 2000 on Friday or Saturday afternoon. We will let you know on Friday morning". Never a request. Or to see if it suits. A simple demand.

This call happens a lot. We might have a few weeks off then it starts again. The hospital is 70 miles from us so the whole pick up for DH takes 4 hours. Sometimes it's two/three times a week. If FIL is in hospital them it's daily visits.

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long. MIL can't drive.

Im utterly worn out by this. Every time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late. We both work, are exhausted and have no family support as it is.

DH's sister drives too, and has never been asked to assist nor does she offer. She has a willing DH and only one child. She is currently on mat leave.

I'm increasingly seething that she can't take turns on this.

I have no family support nearby. I phoned FIL and said we were struggling for Saturday due to a clash. He said we would have to do Friday night.

DH has forbidden me from either asking his sister or suggesting it as he doesn't like conflict.

I'm fucking fed up of the whole lot of them!

Is this unreasonable? Normal? It might help if I liked FIL but he is a PITA. As I like MIL so much I try to put up but there is no end in sight.

My marriage is already rocky due to us struggling as it is with work/kids and we have absolutely zero time together. In a bad week he is doing this three times whilst SIL goes out for dinner and posts reviews on Facebook.

whois Tue 24-May-16 14:44:21

God why do you do it! Don't be such a doormat (meant as nicely as possible) come on OP, get galvanized to say NO!

There is free hospital transport. He oould get a taxi. You or DH do NOT NEED TO GO PICK HIM UP!

very time, I have to cancel things, beg friends to help take one of my kids to something (because of a clash), we miss family time, cancel arrangements. DH had to miss DD's dance show two weeks ago and we were both shouted at as he was 1/2 hour late.

It is a bit more fool you though... just say no!

Bolograph Tue 24-May-16 14:45:39

There is free hospital transport provided but FIL refuses it as he says it takes too long

Tough shit. Leave them to it.

And in any event, driving a four hour round trip is insanity. Why can't they get a taxi?

Roonerspism Tue 24-May-16 14:46:39

I'm trying... DH latest stance is "he is my ill father" to which I say "but why can't we take turns?!?!?!"

I am almost as cross with DH on this.

It's good to know I'm not completely mad

ElspethFlashman Tue 24-May-16 14:47:46

You don't have a PIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Cliché, but true.

Roonerspism Tue 24-May-16 14:48:03

The taxi is seventy quid.

The hospital transport stops at various villages but is absolutely fine.

I just wouldn't put my kids through this shit!

EvansOvalPies Tue 24-May-16 14:49:42

Agree with both PPs (and I speak from having had previous experience myself, until I woke up). Your FiL sounds very controlling. Offer to help where you can, but when you can't, then you do just have to say "No, really sorry, but I can't help on this occasion" (or the next). Especially if hospital transport is on offer, many people don't even get that!

Bolograph Tue 24-May-16 14:50:16

The taxi is seventy quid.

Driving 140 miles is about fifty quid at HMRC rates. It's worth twenty quid to have four hours of your life back, yes?

Anyway, there's free transport available. If they choose to pay seventy quid instead, why is that your problem?

Nanny0gg Tue 24-May-16 14:51:09

He just has to say 'Sorry, I can't do it this time.'

No explanation, no alternative suggestions.

Until he does it will carry on.

Gottagetmoving Tue 24-May-16 14:51:10

If your DH wants to be at their beck and call then that is ok. You do not have to do anything. However, if DH running around after them affects your family life then he needs to listen to you!
Your DH cannot forbid you to do anything. If you want to discuss with his sister on the times YOU have to be disrupted then that is up to you.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Tue 24-May-16 14:51:21

Well if you and DH split over all this and he has to look after the children half the time he won't be able to run around after his parents all the time. Has he thought about that when he has refused to get his sister to help?

DH needs to protect his marriage and stand up for you and his own young family. Doing your fair share is one thing, but if his sister isn't helping (presumably she doesn't live hours further away and isn't heavily pregnant) and there is free transport then he is being taken advantage of. And you are suffering too.

This is DH's problem to solve. What you do if he won't solve it, I don't know. Certainly you should refuse to be driving. As for the rudeness from the PIL, words fail me. Again DH needs to be sorting this out.

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 24-May-16 14:51:43

Seventy quid? Wow, how far are they from the hospital?

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Tue 24-May-16 14:53:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bolograph Tue 24-May-16 14:54:29

The hospital transport stops at various villages

Is this a "retiring to the countryside because it's pretty and if I get old and need regular visits to a city then my children can sort it out"?

Adelecarberry87 Tue 24-May-16 14:58:44

How close does you SIL live? Surely the cost of petrol alone as well as time is enough for them to consider alternate transport. Do they pay petrol? They are punishing DH because he went out and got a license

EvansOvalPies Tue 24-May-16 15:02:03

Maybe you suggest to your SiL (leaving DH out of the equation altogether, as he clearly is finding it too difficult to deal with) that you both split taxi fees for each hospital trip as you are finding it nigh on impossible to accommodate every one yourself. She may find that she can miraculously take her turn after all.

SkaterGrrrrl Tue 24-May-16 15:04:23

Yanbu

In laws are taking the piss.

Your family is important too.

SkaterGrrrrl Tue 24-May-16 15:05:53

Show DH this thread!

acasualobserver Tue 24-May-16 15:10:56

Your husband is the weak link here. He needs to put the hard word on both his father and sister.

deVelvet Tue 24-May-16 15:14:32

No, don't show DH this thread.

If you want him to take you seriously then say NO and mean it.

What a shitty situation, all this running around really does take its toll

diddl Tue 24-May-16 15:14:53

"I am almost as cross with DH on this."

So you should be!

He has "forbidden" you from asking his sisterhmm

So he doesn't like conflict-from them, but it's OK to piss you off?

Arse!

AugustaFinkNottle Tue 24-May-16 15:16:11

Oh, for goodness sake, "Show him this thread" is always the worst advice ever.

OP, why on earth does your DH think he has to say yes every time his father imposes on him? Have you asked him why his own wife and children don't come first with him? It makes no difference that his father is "ill", he's presumably not that ill if he's being discharged from hospital and his illness would be accommodated just as well by his sister or a taxi picking him up.

Why does your DH think that talking to his sister about this would cause conflict?

SapphireStrange Tue 24-May-16 15:16:17

Your husband is the weak link here.
Agreed.

And how the fuck can he 'forbid' you to do anything? confused Does he think it's the nineteenth century?

In the nicest way, OP, man up please.

Adelecarberry87 Tue 24-May-16 15:17:39

Your DH primary family should come first over his secondary family. It's nice to help family and there demands that you drop everything is unfair your DH MIL and FIL are all to blame.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 24-May-16 15:19:55

I don't think this is SILs fault at all. If her father has such an abhorrent view on women is it any wonder she doesn't want to get involved? I wouldn't either, imagine what her childhood was like.

Just say no.

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