AIBU to be SO angry with my 7yr old?

[Lulioli]

I can barely look at her... Yesterday afternoon my arse of an ex came to the house to pick up my sons bag as he was taking him for the weekend (a rare event!) My daughters had not wanted to go this time as they had events on that they wanted to attend. They had both had a weekend away with him last week. I have had on going problems with his bullying and intimidation of me particularly when we hand over the kids so am always trying to find ways where he can see the children but not have to interact with me. Anyway......I thought my son would come in collect his bag and go but my ex appeared with him wanting to collect my sons bike. My DS started getting upset that he didn't want to take his bike, my ex started shouting at him, it was all getting out of control. My daughter then started crying that she wanted to go, it was nt fair, she didn't want to go to the planned event anyway. She was wailing, screaming, clinging to him and refusing to follow my calm instructions to come back in the house and it would be her turn next time. I stood there feeling hopeless while my ex smirked at me and kept saying ' you just hate this because she wants to be with me'. Of course I am furious with him but I feel so let down by her. I never slag off her dad in front of her. I have protected her from knowing that he cancels on her to see his girlfriends. I ve never told her about all the domestic violence that went on when she was tiny. I never stand in the way of contact with her Dad. I always help her to buy gifts for him on birthdays, Fathers Day, Xmas, etc. I feel that there is room in her life for both of us. I am stunned that she would respond like this. She was really manipulating the situation. I am so angry and upset. I don't like her right now.

[Afreshstartplease]

She's seven

[acasualobserver]

I think you are probably ascribing far too much intent to your daughter's actions.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

She's seven for goodness sake!

[betsyderek]

That's so awful, for you both. Rather than post something unkind I am posting something unhelpful but I just had to say how sorry I am and what a truly horrible situation.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Your poor daughter, she is only 7 and changed her mind about what she wanted to do this weekend.

It is very easy to choose between x and y when neither of them are dangled in front of you right at that moment.

All you had to say was either that she had chosen x and had to see it through as too late to change, or explain that she could change to y if she was really sure she didn't mind missing out on x.

[LittleNelle]

Poor child. Your relationship with your ex is not her fault, your feelings aren't her responsibility. You need to get a grip and act like an adult.

[liz70]

I think you're projecting your anger at your ex onto your DD tbh.

[2ManySweets]

You are directing your ire at the wrong party.

This situation wouldn't exist (I presume) if your ex wasn't such a prick and caused the break up of the family unit, right?

You have to remember that and not resent your little girl.

Ps: all kids take the piss at some point. Just stop thinking she's some arch manipulator.

[OurBlanche]

Did she go with them? I hope so, as that will give you time to calm down.

She will never know how much she has hurt you, maybe in 20 years she will realise!

You must feel absolutely bewildered. I hope you can regain some equilibrium before you have to deal with her again. I doubt she would recognise the manipulation, she just got all 7 year old and selfish. At that age it can get out of control very quickly.

But don't feel bad... you are only human and are perfectly entitled to be extremely emotional over this. I'd offer you wine, but it is too early

[brotherhoodofspam]

I think you're directing your anger at the wrong person. It sounds like you've done a great job protecting your DD from the worst elements of her Dad's behaviour but it's him you should be blaming for yesterday's episode, for trying to use her to score points, not her, she's only 7.

[newtscamander]

Are you kidding me??? I seriously hope this is bullshit, because it sounds like an awful situation for kids to be growing up in. She's 7, loves her Dad, probably crying partly due to all the shouting and upset, she's confused and unhappy, and now her mother won't look her in the eye?! You're raising an angry little kid here, snap the fuck out of it and parent and love her, and raise her right!!!

[mummymeister]

What a horrible thing to post. I hope when you have time to calm down and look at the situation as an adult you will feel this was not the right thing to have done.

she is 7. she has no idea of what your relationship with your ex is like.

[molyholy]

I'm sorry but yabu. Your daughter is 7. You are wanting her to act in a mature manner, but she can't because she is 7. I hope you don't direct your anger towards her. Ypur ex is an arse and a wind up merchant, but you should rise above it.

[DropZoneOne]

YABU. She's 7, she can't process which future event might be more fun, she lives in the moment. That's what young children do.

You're angry at your ex, but don't take it out on your daughter just because you can't take it out on him.

Have a girly weekend, whatever you would all enjoy, diffuse her disappointment at what she will see (rightly or wrongly) as an unfair situation and diffuse your frustration that it didn't go as you'd hoped.

[MangoBiscuit]

She was probably feeling upset by the situation that was happening around her, and projected that upset in just one of the many ways that a child that young will do. She doesn't really understand her own feelings yet, she's still little. That said, I can see why you'd feel hurt and even betrayed, but it's not her fault, and not a conscious decision in the same way that a grown up would make that decision.

[EarthboundMisfit]

It's not your daughter's fault at all. If she were sevenTEEN it wouldn't be her fault.

[SeaWitchly]

Luliola with all due respect this about your issues and past history with your ex and has nothing to do with your 7 year old daughter or her needs and wishes.

Your daughter may have felt very unsettled by the altercation between her brother and her father. She may have felt anxious that Daddy would leave, perhaps forever, if he was angry. It certainly sounds as if there was an uncomfortable atmosphere between all of you and your DD was responding this. She sounds as if she was very distressed, not manipulative.

I think you would benefit from some professional support tbh. Have you ever tried any counselling, individual or family, to help you come to terms with your own upset and anger? I truly feel this would be the best thing in order to move forward in a healthy way.

Otherwise you may continue projecting your anger at your ex onto the relationship with your children and that it not good for any of you.

[OurBlanche]

Ah! The Perfect Parent and Angelic Human brigade have landed.

You should all feel ashamed of yourselves. Do you not think OP knows she is being unreasonable? She sounds desperately unhappy and emotionally overhwhelmed and all you can do is pile in with the "Oooh you are a shite mother" crap!

Shame on you all! All of you who choose to stick the boot in rather than help.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

You're angry at the wrong person.

[bigsnugglebunny]

YABVVU. She's 7 - still so little, and she doesn't have the understanding of complex adult emotions. She saw her Dad and wanted to go with him. That wasn't a deliberate snub of you, or manipulation. Of course she loves her mum! I think that you need to get a bit of a grip, because being so angry you can't even look at her is disproportionate and pretty melodramatic.

As for not telling her about the DV, or the other women etc... Well surely that's a given, you would be a pretty lousy parent if you exposed her to that information at the age of 7!

For what it's worth, he sounds like an arsehole - best way to deal with these sorts of situations is to smile and say "oh goodness, you want to go with Daddy and your brother now? Okay sweetie, let me go grab a little bag of clothes and your toothbrush" and let her go with him. He isn't really getting what he wants because all you're doing is making sure your daughter is happy. What fed his superiority complex was the fact that he could see how upset you were getting and gave him his chance to needle you about how much she wants to spend time with him instead of you! He wants opportunities to stick the knife in, so be the epitome of calm and unruffled. Think Zen thoughts.

[Zame]

Hi, I've been in a similar situation. I felt so let down by my daughter. I know that it's ridiculous and they don't mean any harm but it stings. I also posted for advice.
Please remember she is only little, she doesn't want to hurt you and loves both her parents.
He might be a shit to you but she loves him very much As you've done a great job of shielding her from his dick behaviour.
He's the one in the wrong in this situation but you can't do anything about him so give your daughter a hug and put the smug twat put of your mind

[mummymeister]

OurBlanche if people post on here asking if they are being unreasonable then that is asking for a reply that says either you are or you aren't.

So rather than being honest what would you prefer?

"there, there OP. its all about you isn't it. you are the most important person in all of this"

do you come from a divorced family? do you know how this sort of crap can affect you for many, many years to come.

People choose to have kids and when you choose to do this you also choose to take on the role of being the adult.

Perhaps if the OP reads that some people think she is BU that she will take a step back, a deep breathe and think about things from the 7 year olds point of view. That would be positive wouldn't it?