To "deprive" my DS of maintenance?

(26 Posts)
Windsofwinter Sat 21-May-16 12:17:22

Apologies, may be long!

I fell pregnant at 19, when my then boyfriend and I were both part way through degrees at different universities. Very foolish, I know. We agreed make a go of being parents, relationship fizzled out.

Fast forward to the birth, he couldn't be reached. He had begun to be extremely vague and unreliable in the build up, but still maintained he wanted involvement. My mum ended up having to leave a voicemail to tell him he was a father. I have never seen or heard from him since, apart from an email when DS was about three months old telling me he wanted no involvement and would never want to meet his son.

DS is now almost 8. I've had a difficult time with maintenance and the CSA; he under-declares income - part time job only, when he has further self-employed income from a job in local radio/newspapers. He switches this job regularly so that, despite being under a deduction of earnings order, the CSA never have his current employment details. It's almost a year since I've received a penny.

I'm tired of the whole situation. I'm fed up having to constantly chase the CSA (who are often less than helpful), I'm tired of feeling angry. I've tried to contact him directly a couple of times for DS sake but he never replies.

I want to cancel the claim. I feel like the resentment I feel towards him only grows because of the situation, and that I won't move on from the anger I feel for DS (and myself to an extent) until he is nothing but a distant memory. DP and most of my family feel I should pursue it until DS is 18. The think it's money he's owed and the money at least should be a reminder of the responsibilities he's ignoring. He's now married with another son but has moved away. I don't know what to do for the best...

howtorebuild Sat 21-May-16 12:18:34

There is a government petition on this matter, Google it.

Fourormore Sat 21-May-16 12:19:23

I wouldn't cancel the claim. I'd just let it run in the background.

TrinityForce Sat 21-May-16 12:20:34

Keep the claim up.

The silly bastard has to keep changing jobs/under declaring and is going to a lot of effort to deny his DS a bit of cash. Let him keep playing games, you don't have to do anything yourself, right?

araiba Sat 21-May-16 12:21:55

i bet if csa had to pay the resident parent the money and then get it back from the non resident parent they would try a lot harder

Arfarfanarf Sat 21-May-16 13:09:47

What an absolute bastard.
Paying towards the children you create should not be optional.

I would keep up the claim. Not in expectation of getting anything at this point, but to ensure he keeps having to faff around trying to dodge it. Hopefully it causes him some stress.

And yes that's petty but i dont care.

Id like to see parents who actively dodge putting money on the table towards housing, clothing and feeding their child get put in jail. Or have goods seized. Or passports confiscated. Or something that says we as a society will not tolerate this. Something that actually gets it through peoples thick heads that when you create a life thats not a responsibilty you have any right to walk away from and leave the other parent to pick up your slack.

cannotlogin Sat 21-May-16 13:18:25

I wouldn't cancel the claim. I'd just let it run in the background

This is what I do. I don't receive anything (been over 8 years now). However, my ex is at least present in his children's lives (albeit on his terms only). I used to be very, very angry and I wasted a lot of emotional energy dealing with it.

Eventually, I made a concscious decision to 'let it go'. It has been a lot easier ever since. I suspect I will never receive anything but I manage perfectly well without his money. You are still young - plenty of time to build a career, a pension, savings etc. Focus on making the best life you can for you and your son, not on the loser of any ex. I make an annual phone call to the CSA on the date the ex left me and leave it at that.

TutanKaDashian Sat 21-May-16 16:42:00

It's disgraceful OP, your ex sounds like such a twat. His new wife must be a complete fool to go with a man who has already done this to someone. My ex now has paid nothing for 4 years. He owes over £2k but is self employed so it's very difficult. The CMS is getting towards the stage of legal action and if and when he's taken to court I'll be there with popcorn laughing at him (just like I did at his last drink driving case where he was banned for three years)

GloopyGhoul Sat 21-May-16 16:59:07

For another perspective - one that has seen me take some criticism on MN before - I've never asked for a penny from my daughter's biological father. I'm lucky enough not to need it (although I suppose it certainly wouldn't go amiss sometimes), and it means I've never felt beholden, or that I had to justify any aspect of my spending or lifestyle. It's not a route that suits, or is an option for everyone, I'm just saying it's something that works for me, and that I can live with.

GloopyGhoul Sat 21-May-16 17:00:27

^^ That might make me sound like a rich spendthrift. I'm neither!

AyeAmarok Sat 21-May-16 17:06:17

Keep going. You giving up in frustration is exactly what he wants you to do.

TheUnsullied Sat 21-May-16 17:17:50

Keep the claim up but please do learn to attach less emotion to it. See the CSA call as a monthly/quarterly chore instead.

CupidsArrows Sat 21-May-16 18:11:25

I let mine run in the background too. It's been over 4 years and I haven't received anything. I don't actually keep it running to hopefully get money one day - I won't.

I keep it running as proof that he has never financially nor emotionally contributed to DDs life. In the event that he ever does have some fanciful notion of trying to become involved I will use this proof to support some of my reasons why he shouldn't be involved.

AdoraBell Sat 21-May-16 18:11:59

Agree, keep the claim going but try to cut the emotional tye. Unless you can afford to what GoopyGhol does.

and keep the paperwork re CSA so he can never claim that he tried to pay but <insert piss weak excuse> stopped him, just in case your DS ever asks him when he is older.

DixieNormas Sat 21-May-16 18:15:41

Ds1s dad did see him, well more his family did. In the end I had to just let the whole maintenance thing go, he used ever trick in the book not to pay. I didn't close the claim against him but I stopped trying to fight for money that he was never going to pay. I felt much better for it

DixieNormas Sat 21-May-16 18:18:16

I think I've had about 18 months worth in the whole 18 years and even then it wasn't what he should have been paying. I still remember how bloody angry the whole thing made me though and letting it go was definitely for the best!

trappedinsuburbia Sat 21-May-16 18:22:39

Well I never received a penny for nearly 11 years and thats 11 years of the CSA chasing ex. He to changed jobs regularly enough never to have the deduction order enforced. He must have had enough of ducking and diving them and much to mine and even the CSA surprise he contacted them with details of his new job and to make payments which I have been receiving regularly since last year, albeit there is thousands of pounds arrears which are very slowly being paid off.
Hang in there, they will eventually catch up with him.

wannabestressfree Sat 21-May-16 18:29:14

Son is 19 and I am owed nearly 20 grand. It's been to court on a regular basis and the bailiffs have been numerous times. I Don't see why (is I have a court order) I can't pay to have it escalated aka can't pay we take it away stylee and let the high court deal with it and the we Don't fuck off without our money bailiffs.
I phone a couple of times a year .....

Windsofwinter Sat 21-May-16 18:32:17

Thanks everyone. I think the issue has been that, in the past, if I haven't chased the CSA they haven't bothered chasing him. I find the system very frustrating; as long as he pays something now and again they don't see it as a problem.

I've moved on in most respects. I went back to uni when DS was one, finished my degree, didn't like working in that field so retrained in accountancy (almost qualified now, finally grin ). I have a wonderful DP and we're a lovely little family together. We are lucky enough not to need the money, thankfully! I think the anger is more for DS, and the rejection I worry he will feel when he's older.

As for his wife, I'm not sure she knows. He and his family basically ignore the fact that DS exists so I doubt it's ever cropped up over dinner. They are all about appearances so ironically they would be mortified if anyone knew how badly they've behaved!!

starry0ne Sat 21-May-16 18:35:10

Another vote for let it run in the background... My friend just recieved a call asking if she wanted to debt writing off as DC is now 18.. she doesn't so it won't go away

LobsterQuadrille Sat 21-May-16 18:56:47

I have always done the same as GloopyGhoul and I am similarly lucky enough not to need his money, although as he's in another (non EU if that makes a difference) country and I have no idea of his address, it would be difficult to enforce anything even if I'd wanted to. DD is 18 and doesn't seem to feel rejected - she, like your DC, has never known any different, has always felt secure and loved and I've maintained contact with her paternal grandmother, whom she is close to. I don't really have any feelings towards my ex other than that he has missed out on a lovely daughter - his loss.

1horatio Sat 21-May-16 19:06:55

Just continue letting it run in the background...?
This way he can't say that he would have payed but "your mother simply cancelled the claim..."

GabsAlot Sat 21-May-16 20:21:17

let it run vut as its all changing soon they'll prob be in touch to ask what route u want to take

maybe make a deicsion then

good ole government making it even harder for single parents

JamButtyLand Sat 21-May-16 20:37:00

Maybe when your case is passed over to CMS it might make a difference. They use HMRC to get earnings. Although if he is also self employed or has other income you will need to apply for a variation order.
They seem to be much better at getting money. My ex owed 30k in arrears. When it was passed to CMS he complained at having to pay 20% collection fee and was allowed to pay direct pay. Although I am told 1 late payment and he will go back to paying through them.
Ironically the conversation with Cms led to talking about dividends. The lady checked and wow an extra 40k per year he now has to have included in his income 😂😂
Good luck with it but don't let it stress you out

JenniferYellowHat1980 Sat 21-May-16 20:46:30

Does keeping it running in the background have an impact on his earnings? If so then definitely do it. If he wants to let his son go without at least there's some satisfaction in knowing he's limiting his own earning capacity to enable him to get away with it.

I recently asked my DM outright if my dad had paid proper maintenance. She said it was sporadic and then non existent after she remarried when I was 13. It has very much coloured my perception of my dad but also means I take his judginess and criticism with a pinch of salt. I also admire my DM all the more for coping with such dignity.

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