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AIBU?

To think that this 'relationship' is not going to go anywhere?

68 replies

StableButDeluded · 21/05/2016 11:45

OK, I just want to know if I'm overthinking this, as I'm old and haven't dated for centuries.

Met a seemingly lovely chap a couple of months ago. Have been out on a few dates, all good. Unfortunately he lives a couple of hours drive away so difficult to get together during weekday evenings. But twice now we have arranged that he was going to come and stay at mine over the weekend, and both times things have happened that have prevented him coming. Nothing inherently wrong with that, just bad luck...but it's the way he has behaved towards me at the time that I'm questioning.

Last weekend, I didn't get told until the Friday afternoon that he couldn't make it. Apparently the boss told everyone last minute they 'had' to work all day on the Saturday. Prior to that, I also hadn't heard from him at all on the Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
No text or phone call. No reply to the couple of texts I sent him. And when I finally got a reply on the Friday, it was a brief text just saying he had been 'busy with crap at work' all week and that he had to work so couldn't come.
Nothing inherently odd about that obviously, except that up till then he has been texting/phoning every day. His choice, I haven't expected him to, he just started doing it and I went with it. He's also been pretty forthcoming with the compliments, how lovely I am, how he enjoys our time together etc etc, so I guess I feel I have been given the impression that we are possibly entering girlfriend/boyfriend territory.
Anyway, I was disappointed obviously, as I can't see him every weekend due to my child sometimes being at home (he often stays the whole weekend at his dads) and a bit at the idea that he didn't even have time to send one text or make one phone call for three days....but fair enough, life gets in the way sometimes.
Fast forward to last Monday now, all seems back to normal, and we plan the same thing for THIS weekend. Same thing happens, Tuesday and Wednesday, no replies to texts. They were read but not replied to. No phone calls either. So again, it's Thursday now, and I'm wondering what's going on and if he is still coming for the weekend. So I texted and asked outright if he was OK , and if he was still coming. I got the reply 'Stable sorry but I lost a dear friend on Tuesday and I'm not dealing with things very well, I understand if you want to move on, it's not what I want but this is not fair on you xx'
So...Obviously I was shocked, and replied with sympathy, said it was fine, and of course it wasn't an issue that he couldn't come. But I was again a bit that he just went totally silent on me for three days, and couldn't simply pick up the phone and tell me so I knew where I stood. And I thought the comment about moving on was odd, I hadn't said anything to imply I didn't want to see him again.

Anyway, last night I rang to see how he was doing, and because I just thought he might want to talk. Got no reply, so left a normal text message saying basically that.
Got a text later, saying 'Stable sorry, I've lost my friend, I'm dealing with stuff, I don't need this shit'.
Eh??
Now, I took 'this shit' to mean ME and the fact I have texted and offered to talk. I was pretty hurt and surprised at that, and I rang him back to say so.
He answered the phone and said (again) that he'd just lost his dear friend in an accident with a drunk driver, he was trying to 'sort stuff' out and help the wife etc. He then got very upset, said t that I'd taken that comment the wrong way and 'this shit' meant the stuff he was dealing with, NOT me ...and then said 'I can't be thinking about women right now'.

'I can't be thinking about women right now'???
Am I being totally unreasonable in the circumstances to think that's a weird thing to to me? Suddenly, I'm just random 'women'. Not Stable, not even A particular woman. Women in general.
And am I unreasonable to feel hurt and rather offended, and to think that that's a bit of a red flag about where I would stand in the overall picture every time he has a problem IF we were in a proper relationship?

As I say, I'm old (48) and haven't dated for years, maybe I AM being unreasonable. Maybe my standards of behaviour and politeness are too high, but I would never have said to him 'I can't be thinking about men right now' if the situation was reversed. I just don't get that he's all over me one minute and I'm wonderful, amazing etc etc, then the minute he has something that's stressing him, I'm not even worth a text or a phone call.
I'm confused. Sorry for the long post by the way, but didn't want to drip feed later.

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Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2016 11:47

Delete and block
You deserve better

Sorry this happened but at least you found out early