AIBU or is DM ?

[Tonis2297]

Don't really know who's being unreasonable here me or her , I'm 21 with two DC oldest is disabled ASD , clubfoot , athritis , hearing issues the list goes on , me and dp have spoken about another child (not right now) maybe in a few years according to DM it wouldn't be fair incase I had another disabled child we don't ask them to help she's kept dd ten months overnight once and she's had ds twice In a year , we are financially stable dp has a good job and I'm sahm , she thinks I should just get sterilised I've had 2 c-sections so a 3rd would be our last and then I would be sterilised.. So AIBU?

[SouperSal]

I wouldn't consider another child in your circumstances, mainly because of the attention your eldest is likely to need and the impact that would have on the youngest child.

You've a lot on your plate at 21!

[redexpat]

Um no, you're not. You get to decide what happens to your body, and your choices are none of her business.

[DailyFaily]

It's got nothing to do with your DM. You and your DP are well aware of the implications of having a child with a disability and so are in the best possible position to know how it would be if you had another child who was affected. And you would have a huge struggle on your hands to find someone to sterilise you at the age of 21 anyway. YANBU.

[EveryoneElsie]

Unless its a genetic disorder you have exactly the same statistical chance of having another disabled child as she did when she had you.

She's a peach. Do you have anyone nice in your family?

[Sighing]

YANBU. It's between you and your DH to decide about changing your family and you what to do with your body. Cheeky mare.

[EveryoneElsie]

...actually that sounded better in my head.

What I meant was, the chances are the same with each pregnancy. Having had one disabled child does change the odds.
God I'm crap at being supportive.

[imwithspud]

YANBU it's got nothing to do with your DM.

[Tonis2297]

soupersal that's why I've said not right now oldest starts school next year and youngest will go to nursery in 2 years so it would be then when I would have more time to spend ifyswim id like to have a year just me and dd as I feel she's missed a lot of attention the past 10 months tbh , dailyfaily I've already been offered sterilisation

[Tonis2297]

everyoneelse we are waiting on genetic testing coming back we should hopefully find out in June what's going on once we see his consultant , that will be a big factor I suppose , she has a bit of a cheek though my dsis and db both have asd I don't!

[SouperSal]

It's not just about the early years though (although they're obviously vital). Your eldest may need more support as he gets bigger rather than less.

[MidnightAura]

Yanbu! This is your decision to make. I get your DM probably means well but ultimately it's you and your DPs call.

[dustarr73]

Just dont discuss your business then she cant have an opinion.Ynbu is down to you and your dp what you do.The only thing when you talk about this your dm thinks you are asking for opinions and all you want is an ear to listen.

Have you got friends that you could talk to and leave your dm out of it.

[DailyFaily]

Wow, really? Who has offered you sterilisation at 21 and why? Honestly, I come across women in their twenties who absolutely want to be sterilised and really have to fight for it (and don't always win).

[Tonis2297]

dustarr73 unfortunately not I lost most of my 'friends' when ds was born , I don't have much time for any sort of social life atm it's just me and the Dc mostly but that's the way I like it even if it does mean watching paw patrol on loop most days

[Tonis2297]

dailyfaily it was the consultant at the hospital when I was having dd that offered it as he knew previous issues with ds and I also had PND when he was born they thought it was a good idea I obviously declined I didn't want to make a big mistake and then regret it

[Pinkheart5915]

It's your decision if you want another child but I think I understand where you mum is coming from.

I personally wouldn't in your circumstances, you have to think carefully about how it would effect the time and care your eldest will need.

[MrsMushrooms]

YANBU, and yes your eldest may need support growing up, and that support can be added to by siblings in a big, loving family! It's nothing to do with your mum as she's not expected to look after the kids

[Tonis2297]

pinkheart5915 anything he needs ie hospital appointments are done regardless dd just comes with us it's not an issue anyway the only issues are more than likely at night as he's not a great sleeper but dps home at nights and on weekends , also ds isn't my dps he stays every weekend with his dad and dp is more than determined he wants one more surely I've got to think about how he feels too?

[GummyBunting]

MrsMushrooms But the siblings would be expected to look after them? That's very very unfair.

If the OP feels that her and her DH could care for another child, that's fine, but in no circumstances should they see their other children as carers.

[SouperSal]

You have no idea how life will pan out. Best laid plans get changed etc. I doubt you'd ever regret having another child but there may be days where it just makes life more difficult. What happens if all 3 need to be in different places, for example?

I've a friend with 3 under 5. Her youngest needed surgery at 6 weeks old and still has some minor health issues (she's nearly 6 months old). She finds it extremely hard to manage, and that's with her partner and mother's involvement.

[LogicalThinking]

It's absolutely none of her business and she doesn't actually know what she is talking about. There is an impact on siblings when they have a disabled sibling, but that is both positive and negative.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

You are very young with 2 children, one of which is disabled. I'm not sure why you even be thinking of another child at all yet. Surely your disabled child needs a lot of care and attention. How thin can you spread yourself, which child gets less attention?

I'm very surprised a 21 year old was offered sterilisation tbh. I thought they wouldn't do it until women were much older.

[MrsMushrooms]

GummyBunting I think you've grossly misunderstood me, I wouldn't dream of suggesting that OP's younger children become careers or pitch in with any caring responsibilities! Merely that support takes lots of forms and the emotional and loving support that comes from normal sibling relationships is a good part of that. My brother and I always had each other to play with growing up and as teens we could watch out for each other in different ways and as adults we still have each other's backs. More siblings could only have been a good thing, IMO, and my point is that people arguing that OP's eldest may need extra support might consider that siblings provide each other with life-long mutual support and don't just take attention away

[SouperSal]

There is no guarantee that siblings will get on.

[RiverTam]

I have to say I agree with your mum, of course it's not her call but I think she is right. You are very young and you have a disabled child. Focus on the children you have. What would you do if your 3rd was disabled? Or it turns out to be twins? How would that impact on your life and your eldest's care.

Honestly? I think it would be pretty selfish.