Can you ever say enough is enough with an exDH and your dc?

(17 Posts)
PotterBot Fri 20-May-16 07:39:54

Long horrible background.

Left very abusivd marriage a long time ago.

ExDH constantly let his dc down, never paid maintenance, put his social life before his child etc

Eventually he emigrated abroad, still had very little contact with his dc, had them over to stay with him once a year. Never calls with any regularity. Total arsehole.

He is coming back to the country to visit now, had arranged directly with dc he would come over and see them.

This morning I get a text that there 'may be a problem he might not be able to make it on the day that he said he would.

As yet I've said nothing to dc, but seriously would I BU just to say enough is enough.

This man is constantly hurting my child. Child therefore does not want to upset his father because he is so desperate to feel loved by him (this is me summising), so I get it all taken out on me. I 'drove him away' no he beat me up and I left him (obviously I can't say this).

I'm at end of my tether with it all. Dc is 14.

RosieandJim89 Fri 20-May-16 07:42:55

I think your son is old enough to make the choice himself. Maybe talk to him and ask what he wants.

PotterBot Fri 20-May-16 07:50:21

He has said he wants to see his dad, but we are trapped in this circle of him wanting to see him, his dad letting him down or bloody Disney parenting him for 5 mins, dumping him like a hot brick, me picking up the pieces.

Hissy Fri 20-May-16 07:51:09

Of COURSE you tell him the truth! Why wouldn't you?

I told my son in age appropriate language when he was 5 precisely to avoid this kind of situation. I felt that if a teen worked out if lied to him, I'd lose his trust. Otherwise I'd run the risk of ds thinking his father was in any way something he could aspire to being. Hell no to that!

You absolutely need to tell your ds the truth, gently.

You and ds are a team, your ex is an abusive bastard. Keep him as far away from you all as possible. Remove all his power.

Hissy Fri 20-May-16 07:52:07

You think on the rare occasions his dad is bothered to see him he tells him it was his fault you're not together anymore?

ohtheholidays Fri 20-May-16 07:52:11

Yes you can,your DC is old enough to decide what he wants to do.

Tell your ex from now on if he has to change plans he can message his DC not you.

My 2 oldest DS20 amd DS17 gave up on they're Dad,my ex husband and he had the cheek to complain,they don't care and neither do I.He was an abusive Bastard to me and he was crap with the boys,didn't pay maintanance,let them down all the time and showed no interest when they were with him.

They call my DH Dad,we've been together for over 10 years were married and we now have 5DC(all ours he had no children before we met)he's glad they don't see my ex any more because he hated the way he made our boys feel.

I got the everything was my fault when my oldest was young,but he witnessed his Father calling me a slag and a whore and saw the real side of him and he stopped blaming me.

Let your ex start messaging your son when he's going to change plans at the last minute,that way your son can see it's all him and not you so he'll stop blaming you and your be taking any power your ex has had over you away from him.I promise you you will feel better for it OP.I know I did!

OptimisticSix Fri 20-May-16 07:58:19

😞😠 sounds like my 11 year olds twat of a biological father. Does exactly the same, has spoke to DC arou d twice this year and promises him wildly expensive presents that never arrive, criticises DCs taste in clothes, music and about everything else and has managed to reduce DC to tears more than once despite minimal contact. Would seriously like to tell him to fuck off entirely but have left the choice up to DC. Me and DC have very open conversations about this though, and about how his biological father is incapable of being a father to him and is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I don't think DC will ever cut contact as he lives his siblings on that side (DC is not the only child tortured by ex) but he does roll his eyes about him quite a lot and say rude words about him (which obviously I tell him not to say and suggest politer terms hmm). Anyway YANBU to say enough is enough, I'd love to flowers

P1nkP0ppy Fri 20-May-16 07:58:31

As he arranged it directly with the dcs tell him to tell them himself.
Then they'll know just what an unreliable twat he is.

PotterBot Fri 20-May-16 07:58:35

I know when he has gone to see his father in his new country his father brain washes him against me. Then when he comes back he is a bloody nightmare for 2 weeks. He is desperate to have a relationship with this man.

girlywhirly Fri 20-May-16 08:08:45

I agree, it's time DS knew the circumstances of your marriage breakdown, and while he won't like it, and may claim that you are trying to prevent him seeing his dad, it is the truth and not what he wants to hear, because he has the idea that his dad wants to be a parent in spite of all the letdowns. It is hard to accept that a parent doesn't care, very damaging to self esteem.

He will come to realise that it was his dad's choice to be abusive, to move abroad, to have very minimal contact and to pay no maintenance for him. In contrast you did the parenting of a mum and a dad, raised him, supported him financially, were there for him no matter what.

girlywhirly Fri 20-May-16 08:19:23

Potter, just seen your latest post. It is not right that EXH should get away with abusing your DS in this way, just as he abused you. It is emotional abuse, saying what he says about you to DS.

Text EXH back and say he is to tell DS himself that he won't be coming.

Hissy Fri 20-May-16 16:03:04

Contact is for the benefit OF THE CHILD

What benefit is your child getting from contact with an abusive man?

Hard question, but what scenario did you have in your head when you thought about contact with this man and his/your son?

Because that was all a fairytale.

You must sit ds down and being him up to speed and explain exactly why you split from his dad. Otherwise whAts to stop him abusing his partners in future?

Explain the truth to your ds, be prepared to answer ALL questions and hopefully it's not too late to save him from worshipping this prick of a father.

Hissy Fri 20-May-16 16:04:27

And yeah, he breaks it, he texts it.

He's deliberately painting you as the bad guy to this boy, and because your ds doesn't have the truth he has no option other than to believe it.

Onlyicanclean10 Fri 20-May-16 16:08:31

Have you got s close male relative or friend who your ds respects who can talk to you ds? I absolutely would tell him the truth. He's 14. Definitely tell him to text your ds not you and keep positive op. 14 is a difficult age for any child.

PotterBot Fri 20-May-16 16:22:58

I spoke to him this morning, he is on an inset day. He still wants to see his dad. He says 'he just want a dad like normal kids my age'.

I tried to say 'your dad is not a dad that isn't what a dad is supposed to be'. But it has not gone down well. He is so desperate to be loved by him despite the way that his dad is. It's so frustrating.

My dp is a good father figure to him but he hasn't been there in the early years. It's always been me up until recently.

PotterBot Fri 20-May-16 19:48:44

I have fucked this right up he is refusing to talk to me. Says he doesn't want to know what his dad did to me.

ohtheholidays Fri 20-May-16 20:09:57

Then leave him alone for a while OP,don't talk to him about what your ex did to you,your son doesn't need to hear about it.

If he trys to talk to you later just tell him your sorry,say you shouldn't have said anything you were just worried about him being sad about not getting to see his Dad.

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