to be still having this argument in my head?

(19 Posts)
LauderSyme Fri 20-May-16 01:15:28

Sorry for long story, will try to be brief. I am a second time poster, my first post was nearly 3 years ago after I received my father's texts. I was groping for a way to deal with them and the responses on here helped. Have been a devoted lurker ever since.

I grew up without knowing my father, or his name. I believed he never knew of my existence. I was eventually able to trace him and wrote to him. He agreed to meet me and we subsequently had lunch ten times or so, every other month.

My son was one year old at the time and I had decided not to return to work after maternity leave. As a single parent I was claiming benefits. It was my first break in employment since leaving school 20 years before.

During our lunches my father told me that he had met me as a baby and wondered if I was his. He said that, after my letter arrived in the post, his wife revealed she had always known about me. I asked him none of the hard questions I wanted to; I was treading softly.

My acquaintanceship with him ended when he texted me to say that his family did not want to meet me because both of his grown up children were buying houses and the stamp duty they paid was keeping me "without the inconvenience of getting your arse out of bed in the morning". He told me that I was not contributing and to come back to him when I had a job.

I got a full time job six weeks after my son started school, am still in it and enjoy it. My son is happy and thriving and we have a strong relationship with my mum and stepdad. Life is good, and I would like to put behind me what happened with my father, but after almost 3 years I still find myself mentally rehearsing my arguments against his position. AIBU?

KateInKorea Fri 20-May-16 03:18:05

When you say "rehearsing the arguments" what do you mean? That you can show them you've jumped through their hoops or that you can tell them you think their hoops are ridiculous.

Move2WY Fri 20-May-16 03:46:45

So he disagrees with benefits for mothers looking after their own kids? That's not what stamp duty is for. The man is a moron.
I know this feeling of injustice but you won't change their opinion so I wouldn't waste your time.
I rehearse arguments true. I imagine they go better in my head than they would in real life. Forget him.

ColdAsIceCubes Fri 20-May-16 04:00:20

So, despite "wondering" if you were his daughter, I'm guessing he didn't contribute financially to your upbringing and then tells you that in his opinion you were not contributing? I think you dodged a bullet with this hypocrite!

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 20-May-16 04:06:27

Now I'm having the argument in my head! 18 years of him paying child support could have bought you a house. Wanker.

EasterRobin Fri 20-May-16 05:11:27

Are you still having the argument in your head because what he said is blatantly offensive and makes no sense? I'm fuming and I don't even know the man. I'm coming up with arguments now too.

So did he actually say he didn't want to be in contact with you while you were on benefits or did that just evolve out of a heated argument?

Lweji Fri 20-May-16 05:14:39

In addition to what the others said, thinking that a single parent doesn't get out of bed in the morning is simply laughable. Unlike him in relation to you, who never had to wake up in the night for you, or those early baby mornings, or the illnesses.
Having said that, I think it was just an excuse. He possibly didn't want to introduce you to his family. I wonder if they ever knew about you.

Abbinob Fri 20-May-16 05:50:28

Oh dear, he sounds like a twat sorry but he really has no right to dictate what you do with your life considering he's only your dad in the biological sense not in any real way. You've done fine without him and really all he contributed was sperm (granted not really his fault if he genuinely didn't know, but is he not angry at his wife for not telling him!?)
I would also think he probably did know tbh, no one just wonders if a baby is theirs and doesn't say anything, presumably he slept with your mother 9 months before you were born so he'd be able to work that out? Biology is over-rated anyway, that's not the important stuff other than to know where you came from but you don't have to have a relationship with a twat just because you share some dna

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 20-May-16 05:50:56

The fact that he is so easily persuaded by his horrible other children makes him sound like a sap. Once you have it straight in your head that his kids were wrong in what they said and he was wrong to repeat it to you, you will be able to move on. He sounds like a right tool. I think you have dodged a bullet here.

Janecc Fri 20-May-16 06:44:13

What horrible horrible comments to make. You have my absolute sympathy. You really are worth so much more. If you can't get past it, I would go for some counselling. Churning things round in your head is not healthy. This is a sperm donor not a father and if his children said this (as you only have his word for this), they have taken on his very bigoted attitude.

Creampastry Fri 20-May-16 06:52:55

I get that you find it is difficult to comprehend how your father can treat you like this, especially now you have a child, but all you need to do is be the better person and move on. He's a twat and isn't worth knowing. Hopefully your stepdad is more your dad than your biological dad.

VioletSunshine Fri 20-May-16 07:42:42

Yeah, it's not unreasonable for you to still be dwelling on come backs for what your dad and his children said. That was well out of line of them. Like others here, I'm also thinking of arguments against it lol.

LauderSyme Fri 20-May-16 08:03:36

No heated argument. I texted him to arrange our next meeting and he responded with "some home truths".

emmalimesmom Fri 20-May-16 08:03:59

i think i understand the arguement in your head because i use to do it
you never told your dad what you really thought ,you were being polite and letting him have his say, but really you should of let rip on him told him how you really felt, called him a fucking hypacrite for calling you a benefit scrouger but yet not giving you a second thought when you was growing up.basically you wanted to tell him how you really felt but missed your chance and thats why its playing on your mind
if it helps write it down in the form a letter
dear dad your a cunt..........
or start a thread on here, just to get it off your chest, you will get alot of support

EasterRobin Fri 20-May-16 08:44:23

I find it hard to come up with a reasonable excuse why someone would issue you with such an ultimatum to control one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

He wasn't there to raise you (which sounds like a blessing in disguise). You have made the opposite decision to be as involved as you can be in you own child's raising. It sounds like you made the choice that was right for you and your family, and no-one should undermine this. And as long as you are making choices that are right for you, you don't need to justify them to anyone.

That said, if you want to try getting it out of your system, feel free to bulletpoint your arguments here (or in a letter if you don't want to share).

Lweji Fri 20-May-16 08:58:54

If it's eating you, and considering this
"He told me that I was not contributing and to come back to him when I had a job."

I'd probably send him a message saying that I had had a job for X time, but I had decided that it was me who didn't want to meet him or his other family, and was quite happy not to deal with him, as he had shown the real him, the him who didn't care if you were his daughter or not all those years.

But, I think it is best for you to let go and just put him in the twat category that didn't even deserve an answer to such hateful message.

Helmetbymidnight Fri 20-May-16 09:08:52

I'm not surprised you're going over this in your head. Im going over this in my head and its nothing to do with me!

So - this man who abandoned you, who never supported you throughout your life, had the cheek to say to you, I don't want anything to do with you, because you are not earning any money right now?

My God. He's incredible.

I suppose part of you wants to show what he's missing out on - in you and your lovely child - I wouldn't bother. He's a twat.

LauderSyme Fri 20-May-16 10:15:05

Thank you for kind support. Mostly if I think of him and his family, I just shrug, but now and then I get enraged! I know he reads the Telegraph and have this daydream about taking out a double page spread asking him whether I have paid enough tax yet (and maybe working out the maths in the small print!)

EatShitDerek Fri 20-May-16 10:20:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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