To think DPs should humour you sometimes even when you're being unreasonable

(16 Posts)
Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar Fri 20-May-16 00:30:01

I feel I have always supported DP when he's , stressed, upset, hates his job (which is most of the time). Much more rarely, I look to him for a bit of support about stuff that -I should really be able to deal with on my own- upsets me. Recently my younger son aged 12 has been trying to get into a team for an activity that I think he's pretty good at, think basketball. He's just had a knock back and as his DM think he did pretty well in the trials.
I said I was upset for him but also a bit upset personally, cos it's brought a load of stuff up for me personally, where I felt never good enough. Anyway DH went mad and shouted that it wasn't about me and I should get a grip. I know in my head that it's true but shouldn't we sometimes just humour our partner to help them feel better about stuff, so they can become more rational at their own pace?

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar Fri 20-May-16 00:30:43

Sorry strike through failure!

fatmomma99 Fri 20-May-16 00:46:52

I saw you title and was going to post that I think our partners moderate our nastier sides, and make us more palatable (or is that just me? I am quite a nasty cow!)

But having read your post, you CLEARLY need a bit of hug. So I'm sending you one. flowers and your DP should be doing same!

And a def YA-NOT-BU from me!

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar Fri 20-May-16 01:10:37

Thank you fatmomma, you're spot on, that's all I needed. <wipes away a little tear>. Amazingly, that just eased me back to being rational too.
If you get it, why can't he and you don't even know me? Btw you sound really nice and not a nasty cow at all. Hope you have a lovely Friday.

fatmomma99 Fri 20-May-16 01:16:22

also, I'm sorry about your DS. How horrible for him and for you having to support him through that! Esp as it brought up your own issues. Your DP should be supporting you so that you can support your DS.

Tell your DP I say so! (and I am not to be mucked about, as my DH has learnt!)

BreakfastLunchPasta Fri 20-May-16 01:18:33

Yanbu. Anyway, I think you were being self aware rather than making it all about you, you were sort of objectively observing your own emotional reaction?
Aside from all that, if your DC enjoys the activity encourage them to keep at it. They mustn't give up at the first hurdle 🙂 I'd to take my driving test five times

KittensandKnitting Fri 20-May-16 01:21:28

I'm sending you flowers

How mean!

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 20-May-16 04:03:44

Your partner shouted at you for working through some issues? Is he usually a wanker?

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar Fri 20-May-16 07:42:45

Fatmomma you're right again! Partly wanted some support for me but partly so I can be positive with my son. Luckily, he's a great chap and has taken it pretty well.
Breakfast, I'm sure he'll play in some capacity, he's got some more trials this weekend but he can always play for fun with his friends anyway.
Thanks kittens and Terry. In answer to your question, he's a great provider, lovely home, nice holidays, generous etc. And it's generally fine when I'm fine. But when it's a case of me being needy, quite often he doesn't give me any support and gets pissed off with me, as if I should just deal with everything. Most of the time I can and do, others I just want some tlc.
It's a relief to know I'm not being completely unreasonable.

leelu66 Fri 20-May-16 08:39:22

The next time he needs your support, tell him it's not about him and he should get a grip.

He may be a great provider, but his problems do not trump yours purely because he is a great provider.

He won't learn until he knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of the type of treatment he dishes out to you for daring not to be superwoman.

BillBrysonsBeard Fri 20-May-16 08:53:43

YANBU OP, if everything in life was solved with a logical solution or not getting upset... Well we wouldn't be human. Sometimes we just want a bit of a moan or a rant and for someone to listen and hug. It gets rid of the bad feeling (or a lot of it!) and then we can begin to think about it rationally. When someone tells us to get a grip, funnily enough it doesn't calm us down and make it go away... We are then still frustrated about the situation plus feel wrong for feeling that way... plus pissed off with DP! If it was happening every day about every little thing then it could get wearing but that's extreme.

Is he quite an unemotional person in general OP?

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover Fri 20-May-16 09:04:01

I had an ex boyfriend like this- he would moan and bitch to me constantly but when I needed support dismissed, minimised and was aggressive to me. He was a twat.

flowers for you. Your husband sounds like an idiot and YANBU wanting support- surely that's what a marriage/relationship is for?

leelu66 Fri 20-May-16 09:46:21

Yes, I agree. I may not always find my DH or friends' problems at work etc scintillating and sometimes I want to jump in with my own problems but putting down the iPad, listening, maintaining eye contact, and giving an opinion and encouragement are the adult things to do so I do them. And I expect them in return.

ethelb Fri 20-May-16 17:52:53

Tbh YaNbu generally, but coming from a home where if anything vaguely stressful or bad happened to me or my sisters, my mother would immediately find it very 'stressful' and make it all about herself, I do think perhaps you should consider if you have done this before?

While your DP may have been harsh I do at times wish my DDad hadn't indulged my mother quite so much as her behaviour has given me a lot of issues around asserting my own needs before others'.

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar Fri 20-May-16 23:34:14

I understand what you're saying Ethel and it must have been really frustrating for you to never be able to be upset about your own stuff, cos your mother trumped your feelings. But I guess by talking to my dp I was trying to avoid that very issue by being able to offload onto HIM (given that he's not so emotionally involved about this particular issue so doesn't need my support) and so be able to be positive and supportive to my son so he wouldn't ever need to know that I had been stressed. As I said earlier, I know intellectually that it's not at all about me but it just brought up past hurts for me, which my son shouldn't be affected by but I believe my dp could support me with.

paintedorpapered Sun 22-May-16 09:54:24

YAdefinitlyNBU! I think most of us can need a hug occasionally even if the cause doesn't obviously "deserve" it. That's one of the reasons for having a partner in the first place! the whole point is that you don't need to deal with things on your own.
Have you talked to him about it when you are not feeling upset? It could be helpful to know if he is being an arse because he feels you're letting him down - HE can't relax because you're not your usual smiley self so is irritated, or if he actually finds it too upsetting for some reason when you're emotionnal and tries to stop you doing it rather than comforting you, or something else entierly. How does he deal with the children?

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