To want my nan to just sod off!

(73 Posts)
Lizzie92 Thu 19-May-16 12:09:25

I've posted about my nan before. She is very defiant and if she can't get her own way she plays the victim and becomes threatening. The gist of my last post was that my nan has severe bone problems where she finds walking and standing up difficult. She drops things all the time and has started falling over a lot, however she refuses to see that there's anything wrong. I have a 16 week old baby and when he was born I asked that she didn't stand up or walk around while holding him. Basically she went ballistic saying she never wanted to see me again, that I was making her feel like an old woman in a nursing home etc. She then told my mother that she was contacting a solicitor to remove me from her will. Eventually I felt forced to apologise because she was making it difficult to my grandad to see the baby. She pretty much now pretends nothing happens, however she takes every opportunity she can to be defiant and piss me of. Yesterday I visited her with my mum. When we got there we had to pop out quickly and as baby was sleeping in his car seat she unthinkingly said we would leave him there as we wont be long. I couldn't take him then as my nan would start with her "you don't trust me with the baby". However, she did say she wouldn't take him out of the car seat. When outside my mum realised she had made a mistake and was really apologetic. We got back and baby was out of the car seat in the living room. I was not best pleased as her legs seemed especially bad and she was struggling to walk and bend. The car seat was on a hard tiled surface on the floor and its a fiddly car seat at the best of times. She then proceeded to hog the baby, walking around with him, taking him into other rooms away from everyone, telling me what he likes as if I don't know what my own child likes. Just being a general nuisance. Then when we were sitting down having coffee my nan was holding him and decided to pick up a chocolate from the box on the table and held it to his lips saying "do you want some?". I give her dagger eyes and she smirked at me and put it in her mouth. I'm hoping she wasn't stupid enough to actually give it to him though I suspect she was going to let him lick it. She then proceeded to fuss him so much trying to get him to smile at her that he threw up all over himself. He rarely throws up. I've had enough, I feel like she's trying to punish me for asking her not to hold him while standing up by continually walking around with him and taking him away from me. She's very aware I don't like it, how could she not be! Would it be unreasonable to limit contact to once a month and if she continues to act like this just cut her out? I really don't want to ever see her again but realise that it makes life difficult for my mum and grandad.

nephrofox Thu 19-May-16 12:18:41

How old are you?

I think you need to detach. It's not normal to place specific restrictions on who holds the baby in what specific position. But if she's unsteady then simply take the baby back. You didn't need to leave him when you went out. It's really nothing to do with your mum

maz210 Thu 19-May-16 12:20:33

Do you have a sling? I'd try baby-wearing when you're round there to limit her being able to pick him up.

You are being unreasonable at all, do you think your nan may be in denial about her health? I'm disabled with bad back problems and I never hold anyone's baby unless I'm sat down. It's quite rare for me to fall but it just isn't worth the risk and I'd never forgive myself if I dropped a baby. The baby's safety is way more important than me getting a cuddle whenever I want.

NannawifeofBaldr Thu 19-May-16 12:21:25

Erm, you just need to stand up for your baby's safety.

You are the parent. You get to decided the rules, stop allowing your Nan and in fact your Mum
to overrule your decisions.

If you don't want your Nan to walk with the baby, take him back every time she stands up with him. You can be polite and nice about it but you need to be in charge.

You are responsible for your son's safety. That's more important than not causing a row or being in a will.

murphyslaws Thu 19-May-16 12:22:07

Difficult but he is your baby your rules.

If she can't abide by them then no or limited contact.

Simple!

VioletBam Thu 19-May-16 12:22:43

What has OP's age got to do with anything?

OP, you need to simply take charge. Hold the baby in your own arms when you visit. Don't be bullied and don't allow her to take him unless she sits.

If she stands up and walks about, take him back. Hold out your arms and say "Come to Mummy"

Address him not her.

murphyslaws Thu 19-May-16 12:23:40

Oh also fuck the will - she is using that as a threat!

Double whammy - if she can't live with your rules she has no contact. Also if she cuts you out of will she is cutting baby out too... Selfish old woman!

RatherBeRiding Thu 19-May-16 12:29:18

Well you aren't going to change her behaviour, so change your own. If you feel the baby is at risk - don't leave the baby alone with her! If she insists on walking round with him when you'd rather she didn't - walk over and take the baby back.

She "takes him away from you"? Don't let her - simple as. If she attempts to remove him from your arms say "please don't do that."

If you stand your ground and she strops and sulks - let her. The baby's welfare if more important than this kind of childish behaviour. I would be quite up front with her and tell her that, in your opinion, her mobility isn't all that good and you are worried for the baby.

What's more important - baby risking being dropped because her mobility is poor or her being pissed off?

Goingthedistance Thu 19-May-16 12:29:44

Using the will as leverage is unpleasant but also really sad. Almost like saying she thinks the reason you keep her close is because you'll be paid when she dies. sad

Lizzie92 Thu 19-May-16 12:34:16

Just to explain, I couldn't care less about the will. I was more upset that she was trying to hurt me so much over such a small request.
I have tried taking the baby back. She pouts and becomes bitter and then the next time she gets my mum on her own she shouts at my mum and demands to know why she's not trusted to hold him. It doesn't make much difference anyway as she snatches him and if you don't let her you risk her shouting. If I fall out with her she wont let my grandad see the baby and I really don't want that to happen as he is wonderful and doesn't deserve it. When we were not speaking previously he begged her to just accept it but she just shouted at him. I'm finding it really difficult.

Specky4eyes Thu 19-May-16 12:35:15

I had the same issue with my Nan but ultimately it is your child's quality of life that could be affected if she does drop him.

A " sorry " isn't going to reverse brain damage or even death is it!

Goingthedistance Thu 19-May-16 12:38:40

How was your relationship with your nan as a child, OP?

FerkTheeesSheet Thu 19-May-16 12:38:58

You need to tell your mum and grandad how you feel so they have your point of view and are more likely to defend you in the future but above all you need to stand up to your nan.
Is a few grand (or any amount of money!) from her will worth the risk of your baby going flying onto a tiled floor?
I agree with the baby sling idea but standing up for your baby's health and well being would be the best way forward and if she tries to continue with this disgraceful behaviour you should immediately cut all contact.

Specky4eyes Thu 19-May-16 12:40:06

Also...

I know you would feel guilty that she would shout at your Mum but it is then up to your Mum to deal with her. If she wants to be treated like shite then that's her decision. You don't have to be.

You are all adult's and if you don't like something or being treated /spoken too in a certain way than you take responsibility for how you react to it.
Sounds like your Nan has never had anyone stand up to her previously.

AgentProvocateur Thu 19-May-16 12:44:31

You need to stand up for yourself and put your baby first. Tell your mum and grandfather why you're not going to visit and don't be guilt tripped by anyone. Your mum is an adult - let her deal with your gran when she shouts at her. Your priority is keeping your baby safe.

RatherBeRiding Thu 19-May-16 12:45:52

OK - so the snatching and shouting just has to stop. Totally unacceptable and really unpleasant for you and your baby.

When she approaches to "snatch" - turn away. Always keep her at arm's length and, if necessary, put out an arm to stop her. If she starts shouting - walk away. Outside if necessary. Or simply end the visit. Not really fair on your grandad but better than baby being dropped and snatched from your arms.

And tell her - each and every time - don't do that. I will NOT have you attempting to snatch my baby from my arms. Just keep repeating like a broken record.

Your baby's safety is down to you.

Stardust160 Thu 19-May-16 12:45:54

Nephorfox really the lady is unsteady on her feet and walked around with the baby his baby should be paramount if that means her not holding him so be it.

My dad has had numberous strokes and can be unsteady on his feet. He is aware of this and was nervous holding my DS to begin with even sat down although he's gained more confidence. He certainly wouldn't put him in danger getting up and walking about after he's had falls previously. I would ask your Mam to have a gentle word if that doesn't work I would maybe try and see your grandad at another place or not go round until your baby is bigger. Definitely don't leave him with them. She's shown she has no regard to your feelings.

Stardust160 Thu 19-May-16 12:49:01

She's treating your DC like a toy. My ex mil used to snatch him away from me.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Thu 19-May-16 12:50:11

nephrofox How old are you that you cannot understand from the OP that there are clear safety issues around this elderly lady carrying the baby? In those circumstances the restrictions are perfectly normal and undoubtedly necessary for the baby's safety. [hmmm}

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Thu 19-May-16 12:54:59

Defiant is a really odd word to use about a woman of that age. Do you all treat her like a toddler, alternatively indulging her and telling her off?

Just act like a parent to your child, and not to your grandmother. If you think she is dangerous walking around with your baby but you let her do it anyway because you don't want to argue, thats on you. You're the one putting the baby in danger. Woman up, tell he she can't do things that are unsafe to the baby, and if she wants to shout and roar about it thats up to her.

NannawifeofBaldr Thu 19-May-16 12:57:32

Lizzie so what you are saying is that your elderly Nan is in charge of your Grandfather, your Mum, yourself and your baby...?

Does that seem right to you?

Your Mum and Grandad are adults, they can decide who they see.

Your Nan is throwing tantrums like a toddler.

timelytess Thu 19-May-16 13:01:34

You need to stop caring what the fuck your nan thinks.

You are the mother now, not her. Your baby, your rules. Not only that, you have the highest status in the family, as the mother of the new generation - unless you're from a non-western culture. Your own mother and your grandmother might need reminding - no need to say anything about status, just tell them how it will be for your baby. If they don't comply, leave, taking the baby with you. Don't leave the baby anywhere that might be unsafe, for whatever reason. Seeing your nan regularly will help her get used to the new rules much more quickly.

If she sulks, pouts, complains or gives you any hassle at all, just leave.

middlings Thu 19-May-16 13:02:03

Having had a grandmother like yours it's very simple: stop seeing her. Your mum will get some flak, but it's the only way.

I stopped seeing mine, my Mum completely understood why and that was that. She died five years ago and I have no regrets. Not one.

Buggers Thu 19-May-16 13:05:12

How old is your nan?

GipsyDanger Thu 19-May-16 13:09:18

I know you say it's mostly for your grandad that you put up with nan's behaviour. If he wants to see his grandchild, what is exactly stopping him? He is enabling her antics for an easy life, at the expense of a relationship with his grandchild or more worryingly, their safety. You all are tbh, it sound like an accident waiting to happen, and I bet it will be when you are not there having been convinced/promised/guilted that nothing will happen when you are gone.

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