AIBU to be upset - in laws don't approve of proposed childcare arrangements

(129 Posts)
Bee182814 Wed 18-May-16 20:15:36

I posted a little while ago in relationships but think it's now more of AIBU...

So long story short is I am sahm and hubby works full time. We have 1 DS nearly 2 years and DD on the way in August. My previous post concerned in laws who look after other GC 3 days a week while SIL works. They also babysit evenings and weekends for her but wont/can't do the same for us due to having the other GC and other commitments. General advice from MN was to look for alternative childcare and babysitting options......MIL has called me this morning to wish me happy bday and asked about plans for the day. When I told her I was going to meet potential nanny share... well let's just say she wasn't very happy about it!

AIBU to put DS in childcare for 2 sessions a week if I dont work? It's kind of so I can have time to prepare for baby without having to drag DS round mothercare and so that I can have a few hours a week to bond with DD when she arrives (although I imagine I will spend the time doing laundry and housework etc!)

MIL ' S response was along the lines of 'well your SIL works three days a week and doesn't have a nanny as she can't afford one. Can't you wait until he gets his free nursery hours?' - yes, because you do her childcare for FREE! Also, DS wont get free nursery place until Sept 2017. It is a nanny share so considerably cheaper than nursery etc. AIBU to be upset and confused by this reaction? She can't/won't help out but doesn't like me seeking alternative support? I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way.

Please help me work put if I'm being a total emotional hormonal cowbag as I've been reduced to tears for most of the day by her comments.

MrsSpecter Wed 18-May-16 20:17:05

Ignore her. She gets no say in the matter. Do whatever you want to do. And dont justify it to anyone.

NeedACleverNN Wed 18-May-16 20:18:32

Nothing wrong with a nanny share if that's what you want to do.

Ignore her

MintJulip Wed 18-May-16 20:19:13

its non of her business.

tell her the facts.

I dont care what sil does thanks!

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Wed 18-May-16 20:19:16

YANBU. Tell her that how you arrange child care has nothing to do with her as she has already said she won't or cannot help. Your childcare arrangements are between you and your DH so just ignore her.

SleepyRoo Wed 18-May-16 20:19:31

Ignore the judgemental cow. YANBU. In the end, it's your children, your family. Get your partner onside though. Oh, and I've used a nanny share for last year and it's been great. Really good for socialising a kid in a homely setting. Takes a bit of organising, but affordable and well worth the effort.

SerenityReynolds Wed 18-May-16 20:20:08

It is none of her business. If you and your DH feel it is right for your family, that's all that matters.

Fairylea Wed 18-May-16 20:20:23

Ignore her. She sounds like a miserable judgeypants.

tuesdaywednesday Wed 18-May-16 20:20:32

You need to disengage. Her opinion is irrelevant. If you can afford it and think it will benefit you all, do it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 18-May-16 20:21:11

It's none of her business. Pay her no heed and don't even discuss it with her.

Onlyicanclean10 Wed 18-May-16 20:22:40

Do not engage op it's none of her business or anyone else's.

If you were my dd I would be having words with the interfering bat.

DartmoorDoughnut Wed 18-May-16 20:22:55

YANBU for being upset at her reaction but just ignore her

TendonQueen Wed 18-May-16 20:23:42

I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying, to the 'SIL can't afford a nanny' thing, 'Well, she doesn't have to as you give her free childcare!' I also would have to say 'Look, you told us you couldn't do childcare and to look for other options, so I think now you should let us get on with what DH and I have decide is best for OUR FAMILY'.

FutureGadgetsLab Wed 18-May-16 20:23:51

Ignore her.

What's even the issue, that you can't have one because your SIL doesn't? :s

ApocalypseNowt Wed 18-May-16 20:25:06

I think her reaction is probably a defensive one.

While you were doing all of the childcare for DS she could justify her stance of helping SIL out as you didn't 'need' her. Now you're getting a nanny you are saying you do need help. You having to look elsewhere for said help has probably made her feel a bit bad about the situation and she is projecting that onto you with her disapproval of your plans.

In any event, you are definitely NBU. When i was on maternity leave with DD2 I kept DD1 on at the childminders for a couple of days a week so i could have one on one time with the new baby. It definitely helped me.

BazingaBaby Wed 18-May-16 20:25:16

Oh OP sorry she's upset you. Ignore her, she's not willing to help you and you feel this is therefore right for you, perfectly reasonable and your eldest will have fun while you get a rest/time to do anything you need to.

Comtesse Wed 18-May-16 20:25:36

Good quality childcare is good for the parents and the child. It's none of her business. Ignore her.

ToadsforJustice Wed 18-May-16 20:25:53

It's none of her business. You don't need to explain yourself to her. She has no right to an explanation. Do what's best for you and your DS.

BazingaBaby Wed 18-May-16 20:25:57

Oh OP sorry she's upset you. Ignore her, she's not willing to help you and you feel this is therefore right for you, perfectly reasonable and your eldest will have fun while you get a rest/time to do anything you need to.

Flisspaps Wed 18-May-16 20:26:05

It's fuck all to do with her. Sounds like a great plan.

MadamDeathstare Wed 18-May-16 20:27:11

She doesn't get a say in your and your DH's childcare arrangements - unless you were expecting her to look after your DC or were planning to have them cared for by a Newfoundland dog or the local drug dealer. You aren't.

I would be surprised if anyone in the extended family is going to judge you for your childcare choices. They will most likely only care if you did something that effected them, like demanding your MIL stop caring for their children and start caring for yours, and you aren't going to be doing that either. Just watch out they don't try and get in on the nanny share too.

ceebie Wed 18-May-16 20:27:15

Honestly, ignore her. Is your DH on board with your plans, i.e. they are your plans as a couple? If so, why do you need anyone else's approval, other than your DH's? She can like it or not, up to her. She can judge or not, up to her. But that's her problem, not yours. You've got a plan, you're entitled to carry on with your plan, so you just go ahead.

Why are you and she both bringing SIL's situation into it? Is there jealousy on SIL's part? Guilt on MIL's part?

Fishface77 Wed 18-May-16 20:28:33

Find a great childminder then gush how she's a surrogate grandparent and how much the kids love her.
She'll hate that even more and if she moans you can say well you haven't got time for them so you can't complain!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 18-May-16 20:29:17

It is none of her business. Why the hell should her reaction stop you from doing what is right for you? So what if the family judge you and give you a mere 3/10 this time? Really, so what?

I had my eldest in nursery when I was on mat leave (before and after DS2 was born). It was great. Was good for DS1 too because he didnt get dragged round mothercare and got to have a piece of life with his mates at nursery with no baby stuff. We were all happy. I am glad we could afford it. Some people thought it was a waste of money. I don't care. We spend our money on what we value. We value sanity and friendships. I ignored anyone who sneered at me. I simply did not engage in debate about it at all. "Yes, I'm lucky we can afford a luxury like this. It's great arrangement for us. How's Doris's new kitten doing?"

Your response to anything she says about it should be "We've thought about it a lot and we're happy with our decision. So, how are GC, had any nice days out?"

Boiing Wed 18-May-16 20:29:55

Yanbu, it's a brilliant idea, you will need help with DS while you recover from birth / look after baby, and it's important to have a couple of months for him to settle in before baby comes (so he doesn't blame baby for mummy being around a bit less). A nannyshare sounds like a great opportunity. And yes I know plenty of sahms who do childcare a couple of sessions a week, I do myself so that I can make phone calls (ds has a charming habit of shouting "no talk mummy!" When I try). Good luck with baby, don't justify yourself to anyone and if she asks about it just murmur vaguely "oh we'll see how we go". By the way, one friend used a post-natal doula for occasional daytime babysitting (for 3 years), so if you do get bullied out of the nannyshare it might be worth looking for a postnatal doula / babysitter.

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