Dh or aibu?

(56 Posts)
sleepy16 Wed 18-May-16 14:23:16

I need other people's perspective on aibu or dh is.
He works, I'm a sahp with 6 children (all children are my dh).
Ages from 15 years down to 18 weeks, we have a disabled son and the eldest has some sen.
I have pnd and I am on tablets for it, I am some what better but not fully.
Dh plays football 3 times a week, goes to the gym.
Not long been away for the weekend, and goes for nights out with friends.
I don't go out, some because I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do so, and because I'm ebf and tbh knackered.
Now dh has been pretty horrible towards me (picking holes in everything I do) and I know most of the time he does this as he wants something and if we are arguing then he won't feel bad about doing it.
Turns out he wants to go to the USA with friends for 10 days in November.
I have said to him he is an adult so it's up to him, but with my depression (he said why shouldn't he have fun still only because I'm depressed) and it's a lot of money then I think he is being a little bit selfish.
So what would you think in the situation?

SouperSal Wed 18-May-16 14:25:23

I think you should probably stop having babies with this feckless waste of space.

TeaBelle Wed 18-May-16 14:28:04

I think it's silly to say 'it's your decision' when you clearly have an opinion. It would be more fruitful to tell him how you feel. Eg 'I would feel overwhelmed if you weren't here' and let him make a decision based on your actual feelngs. Leaving him to guess is unreasonable imo

Pagwatch Wed 18-May-16 14:28:08

He's utterly taking the piss.
Absoloute wanker.

sleepy16 Wed 18-May-16 14:28:38

Been together 20 years, and trust me will not be having any more children.
Thanks though

Pagwatch Wed 18-May-16 14:29:17

It's not his decision, he's an adult.

It's something he should discuss with you and only do if the negative impact is not entirely borne by you. Which it will be.

Klaptrap Wed 18-May-16 14:30:06

I think you should probably stop having babies with this feckless waste of space.

Just about sums it up really!

coffeeisnectar Wed 18-May-16 14:30:15

How can he justify spending so much money on himself? Incredibly selfish.

Pagwatch Wed 18-May-16 14:30:18

My DH goes away on trip with his friends. When he comes back I go away somewhere and he takes over.

HuskyLover1 Wed 18-May-16 14:31:49

That's fecking preposterous! Has he totally lost the plot? You've got 6 kids, some with additional care required. His days of swanning off on holiday with friends is well and truly over. Sounds to me, as though he feels a bit trapped? I personally couldn't cope with 6 kids (I raised 2 and that was hard enough), however, he should have put something on the end of it, not made 6 kids and then decide "oh this is a bit hard, isn't it?" Well Doh!

The money should be put towards a holiday for the whole family (or something else, like day trips in the summer).

You are being waaaay too soft on him, you really, really are.

My DH wouldn't dream of going on hols without me, and we only have 2 DC, both of whom are adults! It just wouldn't happen.

NO NO NO NO NO.

coldcanary Wed 18-May-16 14:32:56

So he's going to leave you with 6 children plus your own health issue for 10 days while he pisses off to have fun with his mates? I think you under reacted to that one, is it because you don't want to be the bad guy and say no? Have to say I think you need to be firm on this and say point blank 'no I don't want you to go'.
Thing is, you're on to him - you know he's an arse to you when he wants to get away with something without feeling guilty and you know that's what he's doing this time. Call him on it if you can, he's being awful to you flowers

sleepy16 Wed 18-May-16 14:33:25

I have explained how I feel, hence the why can I not have fun because your depressed answer.

YesYABU Wed 18-May-16 14:33:48

Think he should grow up and take some responsibility.

If you're depressed the last thing you need is someone saying:
why shouldn't he have fun still only because I'm depressed
Has he not thought that actions and words like these only add to how low you may be feeling?

shovetheholly Wed 18-May-16 14:36:08

I would say 'Yes, go, have a great time, and don't bother bloody coming back'. It sounds as though you'd be way better off on your own. Anyone would be depressed being stuck with a tosser like that! flowers

Pinkheart5915 Wed 18-May-16 14:37:25

6 children, hats off to you must be super woman I can't even imagine that I'll be stopping after baby 2 << sorry misses point of thread>>
I think when you have children it's not only one partners decision if they want to go away, once you are a parent it is time to grow up and that means you can't always do what you want.

I also think it's very bad he wants to leave you alone with 6 children and your suffering pnd to go to America on holiday. He already gets a lot of "him" time with the football 3 times a week & gym.

When do you get your "you" time??

My ds is 8 months and dh does go to the gym and play golf as his own time but I also get me time a couple of times a week so it balances out.

nobilityobliges Wed 18-May-16 14:39:35

If you would have no support if he went and if it would be a major impact on the family finances, then he shouldn't go. If you could get his mum to take the kids (or some of the kids) or something like that and you can afford it, I think it would be ok, even if it's not what you want. I don't think you should make it about your depression (he's right that that shouldn't rule his life, though of course it will affect it) but about whether you'll be able to cope on your own with the kids. I don't think you should make it his decision, as then you'll just resent him if he says he's going. Tell him the problems with the plan, and if he can think of a plan to make it work (eg sending kids to gps, short term nanny??) then fine. In general it sounds like he needs to step up so you get some time to yourself too.

Msqueen33 Wed 18-May-16 14:40:29

What an utter bastard!!! You'll be getting your ten days in the USA after his I'm assuming?! Or is it okay for him to just go and do things? I've got three kids and two have autism so it's very tough but if my husband said he wanted to go to the states for ten days and made me seems unreasonable by saying no I'd tell him where to go. From your post you don't sound too happy and he sounds from what you've written selfish and nasty.

Pagwatch Wed 18-May-16 14:40:38

But what did you explain sleepy?

Was it
"I'm utterly exhausted because I am doing everything while you prioritise your football and your gym. I am depressed because you total selfishness is leaving me over burdened and in a relationship where you do what the fuck you like and expect me to managed.
So you think that going away and leaving me for longer is your best response. When did you become so utterly selfish?"

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 18-May-16 14:43:10

Now dh has been pretty horrible towards me (picking holes in everything I do) and I know most of the time he does this as he wants something and if we are arguing then he won't feel bad about doing it. You do realise that this is really awful, right? He wants something so he treats you badly. He is not just trying to make himself happy, he is doing it at the expense of his wife with depression. That is really low.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 18-May-16 14:43:47

He sounds like an arse, especially his insensitive comment about why shouldn't he still have fun.

The only way I can fathom that he thinks this is reasonable is if he didn't want 6 kids and you did.

If they were all joint decisions, then I don't think you can have that much time off with 6.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Wed 18-May-16 14:44:54

Look, your dh is a dick. Here, on this occasion and on all the others you have posted about over the last few weeks.

He will continue to display dickish behaviour because he is a dick.

sleepy16 Wed 18-May-16 14:45:24

I'm not going to blame him for not having me time because I just haven't got the motivation or energy atm.
Does not bother me with the going out etc as I know we all need time out.
But I think this is just a step to far.
It's not the money as he does have a good job.
The children are well loved and looked after, and I will cope!
But it's the nastiness and the not even seeing things from my side.

Fishface77 Wed 18-May-16 14:45:28

He's a cunt.
He's probably the cause of your depression. Tell him to fuck of to the USA tomorrow if he likes and stay there and you'll let him know re child support.

Fishface77 Wed 18-May-16 14:45:59

Cross post.you shouldn't have to cope alone.

sleepy16 Wed 18-May-16 14:46:00

I haven't posted anything else?

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