I've recently become closer friends with a neighbour I've known for a while and I'm worried about her marriage.
She and he were both happily married to others and all four used to go line dancing together. Then his wife and her husband died. Soon, the widower (now 67) proposed to her. He was handsome and personable, she'd always liked him, he owned a house, a nice car, and had savings. My friend was then 62, lonely, and stuck in a grotty bedsit on a bare state pension. Unsurprisingly, she accepted and they've been married for two years. From the outside, her marriage appears perfect. They are both very fit and healthy, and always out walking about town.
However, she has revealed certain things that I find disturbing. She has only ever told me these things drip by drip, and only because I pressed her to explain something I found weird or inexplicable.
Her pension is paid into his account. She doesn't have a bank account or credit card of her own and is not on his. If she needs cash she has to explain why and he then decides if she can have it. He does all the shopping and cooking, and controls her entire food intake. For example he buys her a bar of chocolate once a week and hands her two squares each evening after dinner. She is not allowed to eat anything other than what he gives her. She can't eat out or at a friend's house. She is very thin, maybe 8 stone at about 5ft 9.
He only lets her buy clothes from a charity shop, and even then he has to be with her to approve each item. He won't let her have a TV. They are on the Net but he restricts her time on it and monitors her surfing. She is allowed to read the news and email her daughter and grandkids, who have emigrated. They have a joint email address so he reads all her emails and the responses.
She is not allowed to leave the house without his permission. He usually gives it, but he has to know exactly where she is going and who she is seeing and what she is doing and when she will be home. If she says 6pm she has to be home at 6pm. He allowed her to watch a sporting event on my TV once and although we only live 100 metres apart, the second the event finished at 3pm he rang her mobile and said come home immediately (not for any reason).
She is only allowed to go to an event, theatre, and suchlike if he approves of the show or act etc. He then hands her the exact money she needs for a ticket. I invited her to a charity-raising event once (I bought the tickets) but he refused to let her go because he didn't approve of that particular charity.
There are many other ways in which he controls her but I won't list any more as I am sure you get the picture.
Now, naturally, I have told her what he is doing isn't fair or humane or healthy. I offered her a room in my house if she wants to leave him but she says she cannot ever leave, because they are married (vows mean a lot to her) and she doesn't want to live in poverty for the rest of her life. So I said, OK if you HAVE to stay, at least stand up to him, but she said she is scared he'll throw her out. She has a lovely home, a nice car and because he doesn't hit her she refuses to name what he does as abuse. She said that so long as she does what he says, to the letter, then he gives her a really happy and comfortable life.
She just wants me never to mention how I feel about it, but every time we meet I can't just carry on as though she isn't being treated like that. Obviously it affects our friendship because we can't just pop out for lunch or go anywhere without her having to keep going back to him to ask permission.
I'm torn 50-50 between "it's her right to choose to put up with it" and "How can you just sit back and see a woman suffer abuse"?
What would you do?
AIBU?
Be unable to ignore what's happening.
Curviest · 17/05/2016 18:28
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I was also going to suggest you might be able to find the daughter on Facebook if you know her name and a few other details.
This sounds exactly like "coercive control", which has now been recognized as an offence. I wonder whether it would help to mention this to her and go over what it means, as it sounds like she is experiencing so many aspects of this (controlling behaviour, emotional abuse, financial abuse...). I would love to suggest smuggling her a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book too, though it sounds like she might not read it if you did 
You might want to get this moved over to Relationships as they would probably have more good advice there?
Oh another thought for people more knowledgeable than me - I wonder whether Social Services and/or one of the charities for the elderly would be able to help, given she is a pensioner? Especially as it sounds as though she is being half-starved.
Be a bit subversive with her. Give her food and money on the sly. Let her gradually realise the sky won't fall in if she doesn't do what he says. build up her confidence. Scared he'll kick her out? He should be scared such a gorgeous woman would leave him etc.
Can you find out on her behalf what the legal issue is with her pension, and encourage her to open her own account for it to be paid into.
he sounds monstrous. But it's easy to see how she could be worn down by it gradually. That 'he doesn't actually beat me' mentality that too many women of her generation were trained to adopt.
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