To move away from mil?

(21 Posts)
Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 17:20:21

Husband and I have been together 7 years, married 4. We have a six month old daughter. In the last four years, I have lost my brother, dad and - just last month - my mum (alcohol poisoning, heart attack, brain haemorrhage respectively). We live in the south of England, but I am Scottish. I left Scotland about 10 years ago, but following the death of my mum, I want (need) to go home. I have no support network here other than a handful of mums I met through my ante-natal classes. Husband is out of the house 12 hours per day and I am struggling to look after our baby alone.

Husband told mil yesterday that we are moving so that I can be closer to childhood friends and extended family. She got very upset and told my husband that should would hate that. She is 82, still in very good health and out the house at various clubs and social events nearly every day. Husband sees her once per month at the moment. Her husband died 20+ years ago, but she has her daughter nearby and stays with her and her grandson once a week.

I feel hideously guilty, but I am not happy here. My husband thinks that she will come round in time, but I need to start making plans now to go home.

I feel just awful that I didn't spend more time with my mum before she died. So, AIBU to take her son and granddaughter away from her at her age?

coco1810 Mon 16-May-16 17:25:55

Nyanbu. If DP is only seeing her once a month then realistically you could achieve the same moving back home. I thoroughly understand that you want to be near your mom. Go for it.

SquinkiesRule Mon 16-May-16 17:33:01

Start making the plans, she could still see him monthly if she wants and she has her Dd close by. She sounds very fit and active, she could come to visit in Scotland every other month for a couple of days, it would be lovely.

Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 17:44:55

I don't want my husband to be miserable though if we move away in the knowledge that she is going to find it hard.

MrsLupo Mon 16-May-16 18:15:48

If it's what you need, then it's what you need, isn't it? It sounds like your DH understands that. It would be good if MIL would understand that too, but if she doesn't - or doesn't want to - then what are you supposed to do? Her happiness is not your responsibility. What if your DH had a compelling reason to choose to move away himself, eg a job offer? Would she try to stop him from taking that opportunity? That would definitely be unreasonable of her, and she would probably realise it. The only difference here is that the choice is being made by you, not her son. So what she's really doing is setting up a MIL/DIL power struggle to see who her son chooses. Silly of her, and unfair to you, imo. You are not leaving her adrift - her daughter is near at hand - and realistically if your DH only sees her once a month, he could probably just about maintain that after the move - if he wants to. (Not implying he should see her more now, just meaning that if he did see her substantially more now, then there probably would have to be a reduction in frequency after the move.)

Who says it has to be a permanent move anyway? If you have to struggle through being a SAHM (I presume? - you didn't spell it out) without much support after multiple bereavements, you may end up staring down the barrel of PND. Anyone who cares about you should want to avoid that if possible, and if moving away is what you need right now, then you should be able to do it, I think.

Does your DH's work have the flexibility to accommodate a move?

Very sorry for all the losses you've had to cope with. flowers

Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 18:47:01

Husband can transfer to Scotland office without too much bother. He's already checked and they have said yes. I'm on maternity leave atm but could also transfer to my work's office in Scotland. No worries there.

My husband used to see his mum more regularly but frequency has dropped off since the arrival of our daughter. Mil and I are never going to be best friends, but we get on ok and I have no problem with her coming for extended visits whenever she wants. She's not particularly prone to melodrama so although I didn't think she would be thrilled about us going, I didn't think there would be tears (which there were).

If she is setting up a power play, then my husband will - without question - pick me and the baby, but it makes my heart sore to think I'd cause him or mil any pain in being away from one another. I'm having a very tough time grieving for my mum and I can't deal with anything on top of that.

I'm also feeling guilty that I'd be taking the baby away from her only remaining grandparent.

I just wish things were different. I'm going to hurt mil, or I'm going to continue struggling. I don't want either of those things sad

Wellthen Mon 16-May-16 18:56:43

I think you have to accept that MIL is never going to be thrilled about you moving so far away. But, if she is as happy and adjusted as you describe, she will cope. As PPs have said, if your DH finds visiting regularly too difficult then you can always consider moving back later in the future.

I think you need to be a little selfish. Its admirable that you want dh and mil to be happy but this just isn't a win-win situation. If you move she will be (a little) sad. If you don't you will be (very) sad. Put yourself first.

Lymmmummy Mon 16-May-16 19:58:43

You have to do what is right for you - your MIL has other children and grandchildren close by - yes she would be dreadfully upset but that may be the price to pay for you being happy/starting afresh

My only other thought would be to think it through properly before making the decision - will old friends /extended family provide what you are hoping for etc

Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 20:06:56

I'm just so sad at losing my mum. It hurts so much.

I don't have high expectation of friends / extended family. I just need to know that if I do fall apart or have an emergency or just need some company, I have options and numerous people I could ask. Here I have no one.

I'm hoping mil gets over it pretty quickly and is able to offer reassurance to my husband that she will be ok and that he needs to do what's best for our family, otherwise things will be very difficult for all of us.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 20:14:22

But it sounds to me as though you're trying to get over losing your mum (and I'm very sorry for that - you've had a shocking few years) by making your MIL lose contact with her son. She's a very old woman and will only deteriorate over the next few years. His sister will be solely responsible for that. I'm sorry but it sounds very hard on her. I know it's not what you want to hear but if I were your MIL and your SIL that's what I'd be thinking.

Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 21:48:20

I definitely don't want my husband to lose contact with his mum. She's also my daughter's only remaining grandparent and I would not want to deprive her of that relationship. That would be quite spiteful and I would hope mil and sil know me better than that. I'm not lashing out at them. As I said, happy to have her stay with us for extended periods of time if she wanted to. We will also visit her down south.

No doubt mil's health will not always be as good as it is now, but at the moment it is excellent whereas mine is not so great. Currently, my need is greater than hers, I feel. If that changes in a year or two years, then we will re-evaluate.

But, it sounds as though one or the other of us is going to suffer regardless of the decision. I will undoubtably end up very unwell without a strong support network around me. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I sort of feel I've had my share of heartbreak lately.

I don't really know what I was expecting to be honest, but we're an hour away by plane and four and a half on the train. We're not going to the other side of the world. I'm torn between staying here and trying to manage by myself or hardening my heart and going.

AdoraBell Mon 16-May-16 21:56:09

As he only seeds her once a month as it is that doesn't need To change. Flights from Scotland to London are cheap and frequent.

Can he transfer with his Job, or would he need to find another Job?

Tootsiepops Mon 16-May-16 22:02:53

He can transfer with no problems.

Maybe we just need to be more reassuring about how often we'll be able to visit.

TheNaze73 Mon 16-May-16 22:05:04

YANBU. He sounds like a good guy & preparing to be shot down here but, your needs come ahead of his Mum's. As adora said, transport links to Scotland are fast & frequent

LucilleBluth Mon 16-May-16 23:02:19

Sorry for your loss but I agree with the pp, leaving an 82 year old woman just seems so so harsh.

KacieB Mon 16-May-16 23:05:11

I don't leaving is a bad idea and yes she'll adapt - you might end up seeing way more of here than now as you'll travel down and she'll travel up ... but I worry that you'll move and find it was a bit of a daydream/fantasy which hasn't come true. Grief does weird things and it's not a great time to make decisions.

Can you maybe visit home for a few solid weeks and see how you feel after a while in the old neighbourhood?

MiddleClassProblem Mon 16-May-16 23:08:02

Tbh she could possibly end up seeing you all more than she does at the mo if she is coming to stay or you can visit her. Her daughter is near by too. I think if DH can make regular visits and you too when suitable it's fine. Hard to start but will get used to it. Can she Skype/ft too?

I'm sorry but when you said she was out at clubs I instantly imagined her giving it large with a bottle of blue wkd grin

Tootsiepops Tue 17-May-16 08:29:11

...leaving an 82 year old woman just seems so so harsh

Is moving away from an elderly lady as harsh as losing all three members of my immediate family under traumatic circumstances? I don't know. I'm struggling a lot with this.

...but I worry that you'll move and find it was a bit of a daydream/fantasy which hasn't come true. Grief does weird things and it's not a great time to make decisions

I think the advice is not to make any big decisions in the first 6 months following a bereavement, but I need support now. I'm really stuck on what to do. I had started to want to move back home before my mum died, but this has just accelerated everything really.

I sort of feel like I've done my time away from family and friends now and maybe it's time for my husband to reciprocate.

I have no answers. I just feel like shit.

EponasWildDaughter Tue 17-May-16 08:50:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

However - are you sure your old friends are going to be able to give the support you need? Do any of them have young children? Are they working full time? Have they all been in regular contact? Are they spread out?

I'm asking because it's easy for friendships to change dramatically over a few years even if you've never left. Babies, husbands, jobs, changing as you age, ect. and i worry that you are imagining walking back into your old life when everyone else has moved on/apart and you are left alone again. Along with the obligation to get on a plane or a train every couple of weeks back down to England!

flowers

Tootsiepops Tue 17-May-16 09:44:59

* are you sure your old friends are going to be able to give the support you need? Do any of them have young children? Are they working full time? Have they all been in regular contact? Are they spread out?*

I thought about this, but I barely remember my old life. I'm 36 now so 26 when I left and we were all single and in the pub every weekend. I definitely don't want to go back to that smile My best friend I've known for 30+ years, and my other friends 20+ years. They are either settled or have children (or both). Some work part-time - others I don't expect to see apart from occasional weekends.

All I want is to be able to do is pop by for a cup of tea now and again, or have folk round for lunch. Have extended family nearby. I'm definitely not expecting anyone to drop everything for me.

I feel very alone here. It's hard taking care of a six month old for 12 hours a day whilst my husband is at work (and that's another reason for wanting to move - husband will be able to get home before 7pm every night).

likeaboss Tue 17-May-16 10:07:23

I feel for you OP, I think it's the right thing to do. Your mental health is far more important at the moment. You need time to get over your very traumatic losses.

We moved about 15 miles away from our hometown in order to afford to buy our first home, DD was born a few months later. I've honestly never felt so lonely, and that was only 15 miles! I remember sitting by myself in the park with DD, calling DH and crying because I felt so lonely blush

We joined our local NCT group and made some lovely friends through that, but ultimately they're often busy and most are now pregnant/have another child. There's no-one here I can really "pop over" to and it's really depressing.

We're now moving back to our hometown (providing everything goes through with the sale) and I already feel a HUGE weight off my shoulders. One of the other NCT mums and her DH & DD have just done the same!

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