AIBU Still concerned PIL visits(9 Posts)
Back story PIL are separated and live overseas. DD is 18 months, DH works away during the week, I now work part-time. MIL came over last year for 6 weeks when DD was four months old, spent 4 weeks with me, 2 weeks visiting other family. FIL came over when DD was eight months old for 8 weeks spent 6 weeks with me. DH took no holiday I was on mat leave so was with them 24/7.
MIL was bloody hard work, she wouldn't drive so dependent on me to go anywhere and is quite picky about washing and housework, meals etc. She also wakes very early or middle of the night clatters around the house waking me up too. FIL was much better at chipping in and being independent but I'd just had enough of houseguests by the end.
MIL is coming for Christmas and I have decided this time there will be changes, DH must take some holiday to be with her, I'm working so if she wants to run errands on those days she needs to drive herself or get the bus. If she wants clean towels then she can help herself (and help wash the dirty ones). FIL also wanted to come visit this year but I've said no only one or other per year.
If they only came for a weekend I'd happily be hostess. They are not bad people I really like them, they adore DD. I feel bad they miss out on so much. I just can't handle guests for so long. DH is generally supportive but thinks I have an issue with his mum and I'm being a bit unreasonable with the rules. I'm also concerned she'll say she's fine with being more independent but when it comes to the crunch she'll complain I'm at work and she's alone. I'm not sure I would want to leave her in sole charge of DD either, although I know MIL will want to. MIL has health issues I don't think she could manage a toddler and DD doesn't know her. How do I deal with that request when it crops up???
Yes, I totally agree your DH needs to be doing the bulk of looking after his mum.
And I don't think YABU regarding the rules, as essentially you're just asking that MIL chips in with the household stuff.
A few days is fine to be looking after someone, but for longer visits I think guests shouldn't expect a household to revolve around them.
Not sure how you'd deal with MIL looking after DD, but perhaps you can start with small amounts of time and build it up?
I won't say only one per year but possibly maximum of two weeks each. I agree with all the rest esp DH taking some holiday days.
YANBU the visits are far too long even if they were perfect guests. I'd say one 1-week long visit each per year, assuming you also go back to DH's home country once a year. If they are flying longhaul I might compromise and allow one 2- week stay each. DH should be dealing with his parents either way.
"DH is generally supportive but thinks I have an issue with his mum and I'm being a bit unreasonable with the rules."
Well, I'd have an issue with someone who woke me through her clattering about and who treated me as their personal chauffeur! And which of the rules does he consider unreasonable, because they all look pretty reasonable to me? Or is it just the fact that you expect him to take some holiday and spend time with his mother (and be her chauffeur etc.) that he has a problem with?
Oh, and how long is her visit going to be?
I'd say YABU about only one per year. But not U with all the rest. I'd limit visits to no more than 2 weeks (depending on where they're flying from).
10 weeks of your maternity leave taken up with running around after your PILs? Holy crap! I'd be banning all future visits after that! In future, it needs to be limited to an absolute max of 1-2 weeks each and that's it. Do they have a long flight to get here? And DH needs to take time off work so that he can do most of the work. Can you direct them to a hotel instead of staying with you?
If they would only stay for two weeks then be no problem but flights are 30 hours so if they come they both want 6-8 weeks minimum. To be fair I can understand their reasons for that but it's hard on us. If they came together be fine, but they hate each other so not an option. DH is away a lot in any event , I think he resents that holiday with his mother chips into holiday for us as an immediate family. I can't win really.
Op. That is what they want. I understand it is a long and stressful flight. I don't know where they come from, but I've done the long haul Central America to the uk with 3 flights so I know it's awful. However, this is also about you and they need to compromise too. None of you will ever get what they really want because they live half way around the world. Two weeks is already a considerable amount of time so perhaps if they want to stay longer, they could individually come for a week, then you could set them up to do some sightseeing around the country or see friends then come back to you for another week. After all surely it won't be enjoyable for them if no one is around so it makes sense for them to visit the country. Whatever you decide, at least this time you will be working. I would be giving my mil instructions to do X with the vegetables, cook the meal or ask her to do y when you are working and out of the house. And no, I would not give her permission to have your child if you are not comfortable with it. I would however approach it as: Mil will have done a long flight and needs her rest and then she will need to rest again before her long flight no no no you couldn't possibly - it would be too much to ask. You want her around and healthy to see you child grow up, not to make her overly tired and risk falling ill - grandparents are such a blessing &c. Your husband should definitely take at least a day here and there to be with them and to take them out and about and off your hands. They are his parents. If he objects to doing this, then in all reality he probably objects them being with you for that amount of time but doesn't want to admit it to himself and would rather you played the bad guy. I really do understand your frustration. My fil comes from France and he can only stay 5 nights because he's too much work for me - I'm just too ill to host for longer and he does absolutely nothing, not even playing with DD. So we have him over little and often. I think I would also be trying to limit the duration rather than the regularity as it does seem drastic to prevent a grandfather from seeing his gc for a whole year especially when so little and if he does actually take an interest in your daughter - unlike my fil, who likes to be Papi by name but nothing else.
Have you seen the other thread about a woman with a child and a dh from France? Very similar issue and it's running at the moment. I suggest you have a read.
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