to ask exH to bring DD back early from holiday?

(40 Posts)
partridgeappletree Sat 14-May-16 22:48:25

DD is 9 years old. She has mild learning difficulties and was selectively mute up until 18 months ago. She was being bullied and so moved schools after Christmas and has been much happier since. Two summers ago, exH booked a long weekend away mid September meaning DD had to miss Friday and Monday at school, even though he had obviously just had the summer holidays when he could have taken her away. I was not happy and DD was very anxious about missing school.

Now he has informed me tonight that he's booked a holiday which means DD missing the first day back in September this year. His holiday is booked from Monday-Sunday but he said he's leaving a day early because his GFs friends wedding is on the Sunday, which he also wants DD to attend. So effectively he wants DD to miss the first day back at school and have no rest time after holiday before going to a late finishing and 1.5 hour away wedding, meaning a late night on the night before going back to school even though she's never met the person who's wedding it is.

When he booked the holiday in September a couple of years ago, I specifically said it's a good idea not to book holidays at the beginning or end of the summer holidays because she's usually run down and poorly at the beginning and needs to be home and getting back into routine at the end. I have been fully flexible as we're going on holiday in October and said he could pick any weeks to have her.

Because of her anxiety/friendship difficulties/previous mutism, I think she could really struggle with having a disrupted start to the year and I've been thinking of asking him to return her to me on the Thursday afternoon so she doesn't miss the first day back at school. The holiday is 2.5 hour drive away. I thought I could then offer to collect her from the wedding at a reasonable time so she can still go, his plans aren't disrupted and she isn't too tired for school on Monday. AIBU to ask these things of him or do I just need to let it go?

AliceScarlett Sat 14-May-16 23:11:09

You can ask, there is no harm in asking. Pick your battles, but decide if you're going to put your foot down or not incase he tries to refuse.

partridgeappletree Sat 14-May-16 23:13:45

He will refuse. Ultimately there's no court order so I could say he has to bring her back or she can't go. Obviously I'd much prefer that he saw that a settled start to the school year is more important but sadly that isn't likely.

ChicRock Sat 14-May-16 23:19:29

You've already tried to be pretty restrictive - not the start of the holidays, not the end - so what, the couple of weeks in the middle?

I think it's only a day so let it go, and perhaps have a think about whether your being 'not happy' about missing a couple of days previously was apparent to your DD and fuelled her anxiety.

LetsDoTheYogiBear Sat 14-May-16 23:23:01

First day back in a new year- no. First day of term after Xmas/Easter/half term- i'd say let it go.

partridgeappletree Sat 14-May-16 23:24:09

Not the beginning of the holidays was to help him - it's no fun having an exhausted poorly child on holiday. Not right at the end would be common sense I would have thought. I wasn't unhappy about her missing school, I was unhappy about him not seeing her much all summer then expecting her to miss school to see him.

JustLostTheGame Sat 14-May-16 23:25:50

Surely he will be fined by the LEA if she misses the first day back for a holiday?

Twowrongsdontmakearight Sat 14-May-16 23:30:18

I'm wth you on this OP. The first couple of days are important for finding out how the new teacher operates with expectations, groups etc. It can be very unsettling for DC to miss it.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster Sat 14-May-16 23:33:34

From a teacher's point of view, missing the first day of term is really disruptive for the child. It is the day when the children meet their new teacher and class, timetables are handed out, any new seating plans/decisions are made/explained, any changes in school policy are explained etc, It is the major admin day of the year and the one day that none of them should miss.

LetsDoTheYogiBear Sat 14-May-16 23:33:56

Sorry OP. I think you have your priorities a bit fucked up and your bitterness is getting in the way of the fact your child shouldn't miss the first day of school.

LetsDoTheYogiBear Sat 14-May-16 23:34:54

And there really is no excuse to miss it. Six weeks holiday (some cases more) is too much as it is.

partridgeappletree Sat 14-May-16 23:36:13

Wanting my child to be well rested and happy is fucked up, Yogi? confused How so?

LouBlue1507 Sat 14-May-16 23:38:41

I think YABU.

MammaTJ Sat 14-May-16 23:39:09

Yogi, are you even reading the same OP as me?

YANBU, in fact I would go so far as to not let her leave on the basis she would be too late back.

LetsDoTheYogiBear Sat 14-May-16 23:40:21

You just said "I wasn't unhappy about her missing school, just that he chooses to wait until the end of the summer to see her".

Unless i'm imagining things confused

partridgeappletree Sat 14-May-16 23:44:40

I don't think it's having my priorities wrong to think her dad should see her over the six weeks holiday rather than expecting her to take time off school.

Notonthestairs Sat 14-May-16 23:46:26

First day of the school year - it's important. Not grand scheme of things important but important in their lives. I have no idea why your Ex would think it is a good idea to miss it - especially given your DD's previous difficulties and worries.
I have a DD with SN and we don't do holidays at the beginning or end of the summer holidays for exactly the reasons you described.

LetsDoTheYogiBear Sat 14-May-16 23:46:57

Clearly I read your post wrong- I read it as i'm not bothered either way whether she misses school or not, just why can't he be bothered to see her until the end of the holidays. I would say not being bothered about your child missing school would be having your priorities a bit muddled, but if i've misunderstood- i've misunderstood and apologise.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 14-May-16 23:49:10

As Harry said, the first day back is reakly important, admin wise.

Presumably it'll go down as an unauthorised absence? With the fine?

kali110 Sat 14-May-16 23:52:12

I don't think you are. What do the school think about her missing school?

OwlinaTree Sat 14-May-16 23:52:30

Are you sure they will be in on that first Monday? Lots of schools have that as a training/Inset day.

manicinsomniac Sat 14-May-16 23:55:52

I'm a teacher and usually extremely relaxed about term time holidays as I think they can be much more educational and/or beneficial for the child than a few days in the classroom.

But the first day of a new school year - no way! I'd really be making a fuss about this. Especially for a child who has any kind of AN.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 14-May-16 23:57:33

If this child finds life as difficult as you say, in amazed at your ex's lack of sensitivity and wit. Yes, I without absolutely be putting my foot down over this. It is one day for him, but that day will be spent by all the other children getting all sorts of info that your DD will then be catching up on, probably with some anxiety. Not to mention people choosing seats, getting stationary etc, learning the expectations etc.

I'm continually amazed by how selfish people can be, especially (and only sometimes) men without the child's mother around to point out the situation from their perspective. Life seems to be simplified from where they're standing, sometimes because they have simply failed to consider or have dismissed major bits of the child's big picture.

partridgeappletree Sun 15-May-16 00:02:15

He hasn't spoken to the school yet. I want to speak to DD to see how she feels but she's there ATM.

mummytime Sun 15-May-16 00:08:59

I would check that the Monday is definitely not going to be an inset day.
But otherwise YANBU, he is.

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