To think my mother needs to respect my privacy more?

(34 Posts)
maxmaxdress Fri 13-May-16 23:30:35

21 and still live at home. I get that im lucky, really I do. I have the luxury of being able to work part time so I can volunteer to train up for my future career.

Anyway- she keeps, what I think is, invading my privacy.

1. She will walk in on me while im in the shower. Not accidentally- will actually come in and talk to me and point things out like "why have you shaved down there" or "your backs particularly hairy, ill shave it for you" and I have to be quite forceful for her not to to the extent I know ive hurt her feelings. She walks in on me getting dressed etc too.

2. The other week I went to the GP and got put on the pill. I got the third degree- who are you sleeping with etc etc. She said "it wasnt a problems with her really its nice that im taking precautions". Bit weird no- id understand if I was 15/16 but im an adult now and surely entitled to more privacy and it isnt really her business?

3. She will look through my belongings- my car, my bag- you name it, she will have a peek. Has only in the last year or so stopped opening my mail. She also constantly hides my cigarettes- OK. The idea of your child dying of lung cancer isnt the nicest but its clear im not going to quit and it pisses me off because it means Im spending more £ on cigarettes when there is no necessity. Its the principle that shes causing me to spend more money that she complains I dont have enough of. I smoke maybe a pack a week but end up buying 2 beccause she constantly hides them. Thats £10 a week im spending on nothing.

4. She thinks she can dictate what I wear. I can walk downstairs and she will say "oh I wouldnt wear that" leavig me thinking well thats nice, but im not you. Its the same with everything really- hairstyle, music, food I eat, jobs I choose to do etc.

AIBU?

NewNameNotTheSame Fri 13-May-16 23:34:26

You know you're not BU, but whilst you're under her roof she will always have this hold on you. The first point is actually really disturbing. No friends you could house share with?

mlamle Fri 13-May-16 23:34:59

I don't think YABU, but I would definitely look into a flatshare or similar - nearby obviously so you can get to work/volunteering, but DON'T give her a key! She clearly has no concept of acceptable boundaries now that you're an adult, and unfortunately that's probably going to be harder to change than you'd like.

Also, a bit of independent living will be ace for you, I'd wager.

BIWI Fri 13-May-16 23:35:42

Time for you to leave, I think.

LogicalThinking Fri 13-May-16 23:44:18

Have you ever asked her not to?
She is being unreasonable but she doesn't realise she is, so it will never stop.
Do you not have a lock on the bathroom door?
I would just ignore comments about your clothing, or say 'I don't comment on your clothing, please don't comment on mine, I didn't ask for your opinion'

maxmaxdress Fri 13-May-16 23:48:24

Im hopefully moving in with my boyfriend in the next couple of months. Parents arent keen on the idea so planning on doing it when they are on holiday in July.

Try and lock the door and she knocks to come in. And then stands there and asks what im doing if I wont let her in.

I do ignore her. Its just starting to annoy me a little.

EricaPrimrose Fri 13-May-16 23:51:29

Omg. I feel so sorry for you! I'm 22, and thankfully moved out at 19 with DH and DS. I couldn't cope with that amount of control!
Even living under her roof doesn't mean she should behave like that! Do you pay rent? Maybe that might help her see you're independent and an adult, not a 15 year old anymore?

ChihuahuaChick Fri 13-May-16 23:53:20

...Oh god, if it weren't for a few details I'd think you were my sister, our mother is a snooping control freak too and always found a reason to come in the bathroom and comment on pubes etc. YANBU, OP, but she's not going to change so run away move out ASAP.

JustLostTheGame Fri 13-May-16 23:55:08

Your mum sounds creepy!

rightmywrongs Fri 13-May-16 23:59:31

I have a family member like that,
Her daughter is 18 & gets treated like an actual child.
I think it's the fact she's a complete control freak.
She'll do anything for her daughter financially, lovely house, lovely clothes, new car etc..,
Zero freedom.
I think it's a lot like well I'm bankrolling you so I'm the boss of you.
It's a shame as her daughter is brilliant,
Works hard, nice girl -
Absolutely no need to be treated like she's 14 & I think eventually she'll have enough of being treated like a child & the relationship will crumble big style.

maxmaxdress Fri 13-May-16 23:59:33

She can just be a bit....weird.

Like she knows I have a boyfriend. They havent met him yet but she keeps making comments like I when I went on the pill like im sleeping with 50 different people or ive made him up. Its just I dont want them to meet him yet because they can be a bit cray cray (my mum especially)

I think one of the problems is that we are completely different people. I dont know whether she sticks her nose in because she tries to understand me or if she is trying to judge me. Its difficult to tell, it really is and I like to think I can be quite perceptive

They are cosntantly asking me if I want to move out and then go on as if they think im going to be here forever confused

BackforGood Sat 14-May-16 00:00:16

YANBU. Her behaviour is really inappropriate.

Puffinsrock Sat 14-May-16 00:00:25

The shower thing is super wierd
Can't you lock the bathroom door?

CodyKing Sat 14-May-16 00:09:17

My DD is 13 - I don't comment on her hair - walk in on her in the shower - or whilst dressing - look through her bag or judge her friends -

I want her to understand that I have no right to do those things and therefor nobody else edges either.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 14-May-16 00:10:55

Does she have nothing better to do? Are you her hobby? Is a gap in her life part of the problem?

CodyKing Sat 14-May-16 00:11:13

also - I have on occasion walked into the bathroom while she's in there (the ensuite) I apologise and advert my eyes - as you would a friend!

She's out of order.

coconutpie Sat 14-May-16 00:15:04

Errr .... WTAF on the shower thing, that is bloody weird. You are an adult! Where is the privacy? She sounds like a complete weirdo and a perv. I think you need to stop telling her things, move out and just lock the bathroom door! If she knocks, just ignore her. You need to start putting in boundaries here.

Winterbiscuit Sat 14-May-16 01:43:46

YANBU. She sounds nosy, controlling and as if she wants to stop you living your own adult life. Leave when you can, and set firm boundaries in the meantime. If she starts trying to intrude on some aspect of your life say "I don't want to discuss it" or even "It's none of your business". She will persist or try emotional blackmail, but just keep saying that until she stops.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sat 14-May-16 02:50:02

Oh <shudders>

My mother has no fing boundaries when it comes to privacy either. And I'm, ahem, a few years older than you smile

I had to be very firm, very tactless and very consistent over not walking in when I was on the loo/ in the shower/ undressed/ dressing etc. She did the hurt look and the 'oh why are you being so mean' stuff which I realised I then 'let her off' the normal respect people show each other, and I'd end up back at square one. So I decided to harden my heart to the crushed looks and wide eyed surprise, and treat my mother like a toddler. She barges in, I say the same thing each time, and then stop and wait until she gave in and went out again. If she was persistent I would do a definite toddler rules thing... Repeat my first request for privacy like a stuck record. Nicely, but firmly. And refusing to let her dismiss it or barrel over my absolute right to privacy, personal self agency and respect for my boundaries.

Basically, you don't have to sacrifice your own boundaries as rent for living at home. As long as you do it nicely but firmly, it's perfectly reasonable to get some privacy back.

She won't like it though!

As for the other stuff, I'd perhaps get a bag you can lock, a makeup case / vanity case style thing so it's not an obvious lock, but it can be locked.

What would she say if she was going through your things and found something she was locked out of? Would she ask you about it? And if so could you have one or two lines to close the conversation without ending up having to persuade her of your right to privacy each time...

The other stuff sounds harder. I'd try and bite my tongue on some of it, as I suspect you'll find it easier to have an empathetic relationship when you're not feeling encroached on! Living together is tough when you're an adult and family dynamics are changing.

Good luck

wigglesrock Sat 14-May-16 06:34:34

How did she know you were going to the Drs?, never mind what you were there for.
The bathroom door - lock it and don't answer it if she knocks. Stand your ground & shout through the door "sorry can't hear you", if needs be over and over again.

Lift your bag everytime you leave the room. If your mum asks why tell her its yours & you don't want her looking in it.
The comments on the clothes, food I'd just brush them off, completely ignore them, just let on you haven't heard them.
You've got to set boundaries for people to stay in them.

gruffalo13 Sat 14-May-16 07:09:08

Jesus. My mother has fewer boundaries than I'd like (peeking in through bathroom windows, anyone?) but would not comment on my hairy legs.
We don't live together (I'm much much older than you!) but she still drives me nuts by reading my cards on bedroom mantlepiece, and, until recently, looking at my phone to see who is calling, and then answering it!!!! Wtf.
I don't answer the home phone at all - she knows it - and she will still tell me, phone is ringing. I know. Hehe.
She used to open my mail when I lived at home too. Read my diary. She's just so interested in the minuate of my life! (It's really all very boring)
Anyway you have my sympathy.
I have adult children and would not dream of invading their privacy, I think as a consequence of not having it myself.

GoblinLittleOwl Sat 14-May-16 07:11:32

My mother was exactly like this, (many years ago) and it never stopped however much I tried to reason with her, even after I was married and she was in my house.
You have to put up with it or move out.
As a result I am absolutely scrupulous with my daughter with regard to her privacy.

SeasonalVag Sat 14-May-16 07:33:09

Why haven't you called her on this nonsense? My mum was the same with me and it drive me mad, she genuinely didn't seem to think it mattered, marching into my room when in the buff. I never called her on it but should have, I'm too kind hearted but it doesn't help them realise you're an adult!

But also how does she know you were going on the pill unless you told her?!

ForalltheSaints Sat 14-May-16 07:36:42

YANBU

Lock on the bathroom door seems a minimum.

ppeatfruit Sat 14-May-16 07:39:00

Exactly Goblinlittle This is weird ! Has yr mum always been like this? When you were younger? If so, move out because she obviously has no concept of the fact that you've grown up .

I gave my dcs privacy from the age that they wanted it (and expected them to respect our privacy too of course) it should work both ways.

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