To feel a bit hurt that Dh didn't come home from work on my birthday until 10.00pm?

(84 Posts)
YellowPrimula Fri 13-May-16 07:28:53

I know I am a grown up in fact I am middle aged with three almost adult dc and I also know he has a very full on job ( never home before 8.00pm on a good day) . He would just say it's his job , I don't understand his job( I do I've lived it for thirty years and work in a not completely unrelated field myself), he literally can't leave , others work even longer hours, can't let clients down etc etc .Can you tell we have had these arguments before ?

I want to be cool and laid back about it , after all it's just a birthday ,but I feel so hurt .He was away all last weekend,which involved a day off, admittedly a rare occurrence and I didn't mind at all but it feels like he can leave if he really wants to.I 'm not wanting bells and whistles just home in time to have dinner as a family , maybe a present that doesn't come in the post because he can't find an hour to go shopping ( it was a voucher from somewhere only 10 mins from home ) but he couldn't even find the time to pick it up so it came addressed to me in a brown envelope! Apparently that was from the DC as well but as it wan't signed or in a card even how would I know ?

nothanksbyenow Fri 13-May-16 07:32:42

YANBU- I would be a bit hurt by this too. I agree lateness sometimes can't be helped, but your birthday is the same day every year! Can you meet some friends today? Or have a treat day- breakfast out, go for a walk somewhere beautiful? Lifts my mood to be outside. flowers for your birthday.

WordGetsAround Fri 13-May-16 07:33:27

I would be hurt. However everyone will be along soon enough to tell you to grow up! I think birthdays are the time to show your appreciation and love for someone, and when that doesn't come it is sad! (Yes, I know we can show those things every day, but birthdays are an extra special time we can do this!!)

Lovemusic33 Fri 13-May-16 07:35:17

Your kind of NBU
I know how you feel, my dp works long hours and often things change ( deliveries running late, job taking longer than planned or customers being a pain ), he can't leave until the jobs done. I didn't see him on my birthday either ( or his ) and we didn't celebrate either, we bought ourselves a joint present which was something for the kitchen which we needed. I try not to let it cause arguments, he was meant to be home last night from a 2 day job but he didn't finish due to parts being delivered late so he won't be home until late tonight, it does make me feel sad and a little angry but I guess there's not much I can do about it, it's his job and I knew when I got with him that he would have to spend time away ( doesn't stop me feeling fed up though ).
Maybe you can plan a meal out if he is home at the weekend?

TheNaze73 Fri 13-May-16 07:40:22

Flip it, if he was over attentive, out of work & always there, how would you feel? YABU

JessieMcJessie Fri 13-May-16 07:41:25

If he has been working at that level of stress for 30 years he needs to take a long hard look at his working conditions. Normally by that level of experience he would be very senior and have the flexibility to control his hours more. City solicitor by any chance?

80sMum Fri 13-May-16 07:41:36

It wouldn't so much be the birthday absence that would bother me, but rather the way in which your DH's work /life balance is out of kilter. His work is interfering with his home /family life to too great a degree imo. He appears to have lost sight of what is important and is putting work at the top of the priority list. He needs to rebalance before it becomes a serious problem.

Dozer Fri 13-May-16 07:42:27

Is he a workaholic?

Dozer Fri 13-May-16 07:43:15

Yanbu at all to be upset.

steppedonlego Fri 13-May-16 07:52:36

naze it doesn't have to be one or the other, a balance is what is important. Such black and white thinking isn't helpful.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. What about your children? Did they make any effort?

Originalfoogirl Fri 13-May-16 07:57:04

If he has done this forever and you've never said anything about it, then I think you are being unreasonable. If he usually is home for birthdays but isn't for this one then I can see why you'd be upset.

Birthdays are not a big deal for me, never really have been. Same for Mr Foo. If they were a big deal and he was not making an effort, ever, I'd have spoken to him about it long ago. It's not fair on him to let it go on for so long and only tell him now it's a problem.

CocktailQueen Fri 13-May-16 08:00:13

YANBU at all to be upset. You've been together long enough for him to know how you feel about birthdays and for you both to know each other's expectations. He hasn't made any effort; he's prioritised his work (which seems like a long-term thing), and you're upset.

I would be too.

You need to talk to him, say how much this upset you, and see what he says. Good luck.

I hope your children made some effort? if not, I would be upset at them too.

It's not too much to ask for him to get home at a reasonable time ONE DAY in the year. Does he expect fuss for his bday? What are things like generally?

peggyundercrackers Fri 13-May-16 08:02:00

Wouldn't worry me, birthdays are just another day of the week. A 99p card which says happy birthday given 1 day a year means nothing to me.

YellowPrimula Fri 13-May-16 08:06:27

It's not like I wanted a big fuss , in fact if he had just found 5 mins in the day to call me ( he left at 6am) and said " I know it's your birthday but I Just can't get away , I'm thinking of you, we'll do something at the weekend" that would be fine .We don't make a big thing about birthdays but we do try to eat together on them ( rare occurrence) life has been pretty rough this year and I just feel he could have at least tried to be at home before 10.00 pm, or to show some appreciation.

If a client had needed a five minute call he would have done it .

Nanny0gg Fri 13-May-16 08:07:45

AIBU is the wrong place for this.

It doesn't matter whether others think that birthdays are only for 5 year-olds. It matters to you and the crux of it is that he works long hours and you feel sidelined.

He appears to be a workaholic who can prioritise his own needs if he really wants to and puts the minimum effort into yours.

How old are your children? Why can't they do something for birthdays on their own?

Is there any chance he could spare the time to have a proper conversation about where the two of you are going in this marriage?

RNBrie Fri 13-May-16 08:14:20

It's about the effort right? Did he try and leave, did he try and make you feel special in any other way?

My dh used to have a job like this before we had dc. On my birthday he was 90 mins late to meet me, he fielded calls all night so I essentially had dinner alone. He was more upset about it than I was (I was pretty used to it!) and that made me feel like he'd at least tried. It doesn't sound like your dh tried to do something nice for you at all.

Incidentally, that evening made him realise that he didn't want the rest of his life to be a case of letting his family down all of the time and he started job hunting and now has a better paid job which gets him home at 6.45 every day. We are all much happier for it!!

ExtraHotLatteToGo Fri 13-May-16 08:22:02

* TheNaze73 Fri 13-May-16 07:40:22. Flip it, if he was over attentive, out of work & always there, how would you feel? YABU*

Yep. Because those are the only two alternatives right?

hmm

1stsignofspring2016 Fri 13-May-16 08:24:53

"Before work life balance becomes a problem"

There is already a problem !

As his wife you are supposed to the most important person in his life

He made no effort on your birthday

His actions speak louder than words

I think you need to have a good look at your marriage are there other things that need attention ?

Happy Birthday
Do you have some friends you can book a lunch or a day or weekend together or a spa day ?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 13-May-16 08:25:21

Flip it, if he was over attentive, out of work & always there, how would you feel? YABU What a fatuous argument. Should she just be grateful then for anything that isn't utterly appalling?

OP YANBU. At the end of the day he didn't come home on time because he didn't want to and didn't think your feelings were important enough. I speak as someone who works very long hours. Who has worked very much in a presenteeism setting. And it IS possible to leave work on time one day a year. He's lying if he says it isn't

TheGonnagle Fri 13-May-16 08:26:40

No, you are not BU. The being late is one of those things, work happens. The not calling, no card, present in the post etc is crap though, because it makes you feel uncared for and at the bottom of the pile. I would be hurt too.

wobblywonderwoman Fri 13-May-16 08:29:42

Wierd post from naze..

it's not about the birthday, It is the general lack of care or thought from him everyday that seems to be bothering you. Rightly so.

I wouldn't like It. We don't really celebrate everything like our wedding anniversary but dh makes a huge effort on Mother's Day or birthdays. it's not at the presents but the special card or thought.

Kr1stina Fri 13-May-16 08:31:48

YANBU I'd be hurt too .

I get annoyed at the people who say " well would you rather he was unemployed ? There's a balance between living for your work and being on the breadline . Workaholism is very socially acceptable , but it's no more fun than living with any other addict .

My husband is a workaholic and it's destroyed our marriage . He works away from home about 50% of the time . When he's not away , he ust comes home briefly in the evening to refuel , drop off his laundry and get into his study to work more. He's doesnt even tell me when he's going to be away - he says if I need to know I can check his online diary .

Over the last year or two I have forced him to spend some time with the children ( ours are still school age ) but he's angry and resentful. Sadly he's running out of time to build any relationship with them.

He doesn't work for the money . He does it because he's a workaholic and he needs the adulation from clients . He clearly gets no pleasure from spending time with me or the children, we are just a chore to him .

He works all the time , even on " family holidays " . I read this on MN and what people mean is " he checks his email several times a day " . Last year my H billed more than 100 hours during a 2 week holiday .

I'd prefer to separate ( we are effectively living separately in the same house ) but he refuses and will make it very acrimonious and difficult for the children . Also I know he will rarely see them once we split up .

Corialanusburt Fri 13-May-16 08:35:05

Why does he refuse to separate Kr1stina? Does he need you for something?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Fri 13-May-16 08:37:06

YellowPrimula. YANBU. It's majorly crap of him.

There are some jobs (like LovesMusic's DH's) where you really aren't in charge of your own schedule. But an office job like your DH? It's very rare you can't leave on time, on your wife's birthday, IF you really want to - as you AND HE well know.

Leaving at 6am, not coming home until 10pm & not even calling to say 'Happy Birthday, have you had a nice day? I'm really sorry I can't get away on time tonight, would you like to do X at the weekend?'. It's not about it 'being your birthday' as such, it's about him showing absolutely no regard for your feelings & prioritising his 'feeling of importance' over you - yet again. No one needs to leave at 6am and get home at 10pm everyday. He's either crap at his job or wants to be there.

Any idea why he's more married to the job than you?

oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore Fri 13-May-16 08:41:36

My DH was like this. It was a sign he'd cease to care, checked out and was spending time with someone 'special'. Not saying that is the case for the OP, but it might be. He obviously doesn't value her.

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