Historical abuse trigger warning

(14 Posts)
Anonymoussister Thu 12-May-16 14:00:59

Hi, I've nc for obvious reasons.

Try to cut a long story short: I was sexually abused as a child by my mum's boyfriend, who was pretty much like a stepdad. My brother is 5 years younger then me. We're both now in our 30s.

My brother knows now about the abuse, but remains friends with my abuser, is friends on fb, so I sometimes get friend notifications of this person, which obviously brings it all back and makes me feel pretty crap.

My brother and I are very close and get on really well but I feel quite betrayed by all this, for some reason it's on my mind a lot at the moment. My brother doesn't seem very understanding or sensitive to the whole thing.

I don't know what to do.

AristotlesTrousers Thu 12-May-16 17:00:46

So sorry to hear that, Anonymoussister. It's truly grim when those we're supposed to be close to minimise, undermine and deny hugely traumatic experiences.

You know you can block your abuser on Facebook, so you don't have to see him if you don't want to. However, I feel the problem is more that you feel your brother has massively disappointed and betrayed you.

It's difficult to advise what to do without knowing more of the situation with your family growing up. We're you able to tell anybody at the time? If so, what happened? Is the issue that you feel your brother doesn't believe you, or that he just doesn't understand how to deal with the knowledge of your abuse?

flowers for you. Hopefully somebody more knowledgeable than I will come along.

MakeItRain Thu 12-May-16 17:27:57

I can understand why you feel so hurt and let down. As a small step I would block this man but also defriend your brother. Let him know it's because you don't want any link with your abuser.

I went through something slightly similar (although in saying that I appreciate what you went through must have been horrific flowers ) in that I had a friend who remained friends with my abusive exh. Eventually I decided I didn't want to see her any more, and haven't seen her for a couple of years. It was sad but I just didn't want to deal with their friendship.

Skittlesss Thu 12-May-16 17:59:46

I'm sorry for what you've been through sad

I do believe, however, that convicted sex offenders are not allowed on Facebook. Google it and see xx

TheSparrowhawk Thu 12-May-16 18:55:23

In my very honest opinion, people who collude with abusers are abusers themselves. The fact that your brother knows what that man did but continues to be friends with him at your expense means that on some level he doesn't think what he did was particularly bad and doesn't feel that your distress is worth much. His continued friendship with your abuser prolongs the original abuse. You cannot and must not have people like that in your life if you're to have any hope of truly recovering as best you can from the abuse, no matter how close you are.

Anonymoussister Thu 12-May-16 19:18:24

Oh boy. It's so difficult. I don't think I can cut my brother out of my life. One thing is for sure, he won't be left alone with my dc (as sparrow said, it's worrying he may think it's OK) I really don't know what to do.

He's not convicted. I did give a statement to the police many years ago, but nothing came of it.

I didn't tell anyone at the time, but when I was a bit older. I don't know if he just disbelieves me or doesn't care. sad

AristotlesTrousers Thu 12-May-16 19:43:47

Hmm, if you can't cut him off, then I seriously think you need to go as low contact with him as possible - easier said than done, I realise. It sounds as if he's part of the bigger problem though, and if he isn't going to be helpful, then you need to protect yourself from further hurt. Only you know best, though.

Great that you went to the police about your stepfather, but a real shame that nothing further came of it. Maybe one day somebody else will come forward and they'll be able to build a case. Makes me sick what some people get away with. But you know what he did, and that's something to hold onto - not much consolation, I realise.

Have you ever had counselling? Sounds like you could do with really processing what happened, and how your brother/family have contributed to you not being able to move on.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 12-May-16 19:46:20

One of the main, long-lasting effects of abuse is the feeling that you don't matter, you're just there to be used and your feelings are irrelevant. If people close to you perpetuate that then the damage is compounded. I'd imagine that this is on your mind a lot at the moment because your spirit is starting to heal - you're in a place where you're strong enough to start confronting this.

Have you ever asked your brother why he continues to be friends with your abuser?

Skittlesss Fri 13-May-16 07:59:04

You can ask the police why it didn't go anywhere if you're unhappy with that.

I really don't understand how he can do this. Families are strange. sad does he know how you feel about him being friends with your abuser? I'm so sorry this is happening.

Could you block the abuser on Facebook and then unfollow your brother (so you're still friends, but he doesn't show on your feed)?

flowers just want to give you a big hug xx

acasualobserver Fri 13-May-16 08:10:52

I also think you are being badly let down by your brother's behaviour. What does your mother think about all this?

Anonymoussister Fri 13-May-16 08:41:43

Thanks for everyone's replies. I haven't told my mum about this, maybe I will.

PlumPurple Fri 13-May-16 08:45:32

If that were my brother I would cut him out. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who was friends with my abuser. No way.

SirRodneyEffing Fri 13-May-16 09:35:31

Yanbu.

I know it's not in the same ball park but my sister is fb friends with a violent ex-bf of mine. I still have a facial scar from when he attacked me nearly 20 years ago.

I had no idea that my sister was "friends" with this creep until he commented on her status after our grandmother died. As if the pain from the bereavement wasn't enough.

As others have said op, block your abuser and consider de friending your bro. Do what you need to do to protect yourself flowers

Anonymoussister Fri 13-May-16 11:19:02

Ok. I've blocked abuser and unfriended brother. Tbh, fb is the least of my worries, but it's a start! I saw that my brother had made a comment on one of his (abusers) pictures and that kinda nailed the lid on the coffin for me. sad

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