to want DH to do more around of the house

(9 Posts)
Blossom90 Tue 10-May-16 16:27:52

Im feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and so stressed.

I work around 16 hours a week nights now but used to work 22.5 per week and things were the same then.

Dh works full time and understand he is at work more but would like him to pull his weight a bit more. He is caring and a good husband but i feel i do everything. I do the cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing, drying and putting away although he will do it now and again on the weekends but usually does half a good. So on a Monday i will usually wake up to washing in the tumble dryer. I sort out our finances and make sure school lunches and trips are paid. Do the kids homework,reading with them. Put away the savings for holiday etc. Meal planning, food shopping and the cooking and tidying and the school run if they are not at the CM, put their uniforms out for the next day, make packed lunches, I am also studying part time so we can have a better future and have exams coming up in the next few weeks. Our son has ASD, Adhd, speech impairment,sensory processing disorder and anger difficulties and i am the one looking at new ways to help him and reading books to understand his behaviour. For example this week i have been making new visual cards so he can recognise his feelings and visual schedules.

Im not saying he does nothing because he does take the children to the childminders/pick them up, mown the lawn, walk the dog,take DS to football club once a week, do the bins weekly and change them in the week and bath the kids on bath days and get them ready for bed but im feeling so hard done by.

He would do anything if i asked him to but i feel like i shouldnt have to ask him. Its exhausting. He will occasionally offer to do the school run if he is lates. But he will usually ask me if there is anything to do rather than just get on and do it

Am i being unreasonable to expect him to do a bit more and to be a bit annoyed that if i dont do certain things they wont get done? Like the kids homework. I am feeling sooo tired so maybe i am!

Blossom90 Wed 11-May-16 08:03:50

No replies. Maybe IABU then grin

GreenTomatoJam Wed 11-May-16 08:15:26

YANBU.

You are drowning, and need him to notice.

It gets me flack from all sides of the debate, but many, many men are like this, and many, many less women are.

The difference in our house when we have a nanny, who just pootles about the place picking stuff up and wiping surfaces like I do (and DP doesn't), completely un-asked is extreme - to the extent, that if something were ever to happen to DP (who does a lot of cooking, bedtimes, and some washing - so is better than many), I would look for another woman/mother to live with rather than even think about finding a bloke.

Birdsgottafly Wed 11-May-16 08:20:31

I think that you need to tell him, until he knows what the household routine is and he starts to do it naturally.

Slowly start to get him involved in meal planning etc.

Some will say that you shouldn't have to do that, because you're still being responsible for the change happening, but the pointers that eventually there will be a change.

fieldfare Wed 11-May-16 08:21:30

How would he respond to sitting down, writing down all the chores and child related tasks and reappointing them?
Is he home in time to take over helping with homework for instance?
How about cooking for everyone at the weekend?
Do you get adequate space and time to study? He needs to facilitate this as it's going to be better for the family as a whole in the long term.

I understand what you mean about him not just getting on with things though, perhaps that's why you need to discuss all the jobs and who has responsibility for them? Might help you feel less frustrated that he can't just look around and "see" things.

DeadGood Wed 11-May-16 09:08:00

The amount of threads on here like this are so depressing

OP, YANBU

PoundingTheStreets Wed 11-May-16 10:11:35

You need book ink{https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462957787&sr=8-1&keywords=wifework\www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462957787&sr=8-1&keywords=wifewor]]k}.

It will help you realise why what you're asking for is perfectly reasonable, and it will also help you articulate this to your DH. If he's a decent man, he will take on board what you're saying and work with you to create a more equal division of labour, even if it takes a little time before it comes naturally to him.

PoundingTheStreets Wed 11-May-16 10:11:59

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462957787&sr=8-1&keywords=wifework

Apologies. Correct link

Blossom90 Wed 11-May-16 10:58:32

Thanks everyone. I have had a talk to him about it and he said he will do more and he feels really bad. But we have had this talk before and then things go back to normal. I am going to write a list of all the jobs around the house and try and get him cooking a bit more. Its going to be especially important coming september when i will be studying full time with placements so hopefully we will get some progress by then.

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