To think you shouldn't accept a party invite if you aren't going to invite child back?

(152 Posts)
Partypooper12345 Mon 09-May-16 17:14:50

I've name changed for this as aware I sound like a loon.

My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy. However she is never at the top of anyone's party invite list and regularly misses out on parties which have limited numbers. Came home and told me today that she isn't invited to X's party because she wasn't on the list but X will get her mum to arrange a play. They'd obviously been talking at school today. My child said this quite factually, she is not upset at all. Thank god 6/7 year olds are very accepting. She didn't see the trail of kids leaving together today for the party but I did. Made me want to cry for her. I know this is completely irrational and is more about me than her, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I don't communicate any of this to my child and am bright, breezy and sensible in response to any issues along these lines. She does not yet have my insecurities in that regard and I hope to keep it that way.

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

Braced for a pasting, I know I'm being unreasonable to be upset on behalf of my child, and would never articulate it in RL apart from to partner, but unsure if I'm being unreasonable to expect them to decline our invites iyswim.

kippersyllabub Mon 09-May-16 17:17:02

Yabu. It's not a transaction. It's tough, and I don't like it when it's just a few kids left out but some families can't afford to invite all the kids who have invited them. Some kids don't like big groups.

Gizlotsmum Mon 09-May-16 17:19:12

See I have taken daughter to parties that she is invited too but as we are not having a whole class party she is not inviting that child to hers. I gave her a number as she came up with names. I never expect a reciprocal invite so have never really thought it necessary to return the invite.. Now you have got me thinking!

lalalalyra Mon 09-May-16 17:19:58

I think it's unreasonable, unless the other parties are excluding only one or two children.

For example my DS has a friend whose Mum can just about afford to feed and house them. Unless her luck changes then he might never have a birthday party - should DS stop inviting him?

Some people do big parties, some do one or two friends and at 6/7 who is a child's best friend at one birthday could be vastly different at the next one.

Partypooper12345 Mon 09-May-16 17:22:21

Different if can't afford or no party obviously. Neither applicable here.

HamaTime Mon 09-May-16 17:22:33

Ds doesn't like a fuss and has never had more than 2 people over for his birthday. If he knocked back invitations from other kids, wouldn't that just be rude?

DD1 is the opposite and gets invited to nearly every party but I can't afford a whole class party so she only has about 8 back. It wouldn't occur to me to turn down an invitation in September to cut the numbers down for her party the following May. She is also popular (she doesn't get it from me) and tbh most of the kids who invite her will want her there. She can't say 'I limit my appearances to my top 8 friends and you just didn't make the cut' without looking like an arse.

TeenAndTween Mon 09-May-16 17:22:39

YABU

Some children have whole class parties. If you had to invite all of them, you could miss inviting your particular friends.

And I say this as a parent of a DC who received very few invites as she didn't have a group of close friends.

soapboxqueen Mon 09-May-16 17:26:19

Yabu Party invitations is about celebrating with that child not a reciprocal agreement for future invites.

Some people wouldn't be able to afford parties if their child was popular or the child may not have the party they wanted because they had to accommodate larger numbers.

Also is it reciprocal invites for one calendar year? Or academic year? Or forever?

UpsiLondoes Mon 09-May-16 17:26:44

But X's mum is inviting your child over to their home so she is trying to reciprocate. You can always turn them down if it bothers you that much. Some people have lots of family and adult friends with children, so it's not just the child's friends who are on the list.

Gazelda Mon 09-May-16 17:26:49

But OP, if you follow your own logic, your DD will find herself having a very lonely birthday party, as others have declined because they don't intend to invite your DD to their party.

People are entitled to have different styles of birthday celebrations, whether it be 50 kids in a village hall, 10 kids to quasar, 2 kids to the cinema. Or no party at choices shouldn't dictate the guest list of another child.

At this age, I think 'all class' parties are becoming rarer. Smaller parties are the norm, but friendship groups are still fluid. If your DD has friends, and is unbothered by not getting invited to all the parties, then don't worry about something that isn't an issue for your DD.

Partypooper12345 Mon 09-May-16 17:27:07

What if your birthdays are a week apart?

RufusTheReindeer Mon 09-May-16 17:27:44

Would it not be bad for your dd if not only did she not get invited but that children didnt turn up to hers either

I do feel for you, my boys rarely get invited to parties, they have a very close , very small circle of friends

Witchend Mon 09-May-16 17:28:17

So what you're saying is that children who aren't popular should have everyone refuse their invitation too. That'll really help, won't it?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 09-May-16 17:28:46

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

That's not how parties work. They aren't a transaction, you don't invite people to get invites back.

If you're going to take any angle here, it'd probably be that refusing invites is quite rude unless you've got something else already booked. Sure, lots of people turn down invites just because they don't want to go, but that's usually an adult thing - most children go to everything they're invited too. And to be honest, it'd probably be more hurtful for your daughter if you threw her a party and nobody came?

Her not being invited is a separate issue. I'm sorry that it's upsetting you. You mentioned quirks - without knowing what these are, it's difficult to know if they'll be what's causing the lack of invites, but perhaps there's a way around that? I think for now, whilst your daughter isn't aware, I'd try not to be so upset by it. She's happy, people come to her parties, she seems to have friends. She's not doing so badly.

RiverTam Mon 09-May-16 17:29:14

YABU. Birthday child invites whoever they want to.

lalalalyra Mon 09-May-16 17:29:20

It's no different to not being able to afford it or not having a party. There are reasons for every party size. So unless the party today is 'all the girls except X' then it's just one of those things. The parents will have given the child a number of places, for whatever reason, and the child has chosen her top 2/3/4/5 friends on the day of the invitation.

steff13 Mon 09-May-16 17:29:21

But OP, if you follow your own logic, your DD will find herself having a very lonely birthday party, as others have declined because they don't intend to invite your DD to their party.

This^

I'd think it would be more hurtful for her to have a party that few kids attend.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Mon 09-May-16 17:29:21

"My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy"

hmm

Thank goodness you said all this otherwise i'd have said she shouldnt expect any invites at all. Like all those ugly, stupid, inpleasant children.

hownottofuckup Mon 09-May-16 17:29:25

I think not attending the one you're invited to is even ruder and gives the impression you just don't like them.
And presumably if they do come they'll bring a present?

RufusTheReindeer Mon 09-May-16 17:29:31

Oh man! cross post

SharingMichelle Mon 09-May-16 17:31:15

Wouldn't it be worse if no one came to your dd's party because they didn't want to be 'rude' by accepting and then not inviting back?

hownottofuckup Mon 09-May-16 17:31:19

People don't always use gorgeous to mean pretty, I don't anyway.

Partypooper12345 Mon 09-May-16 17:33:08

When i said gorgeous I meant of personality actually - not physically. That wouldn't be relevant obviously.

ZedWoman Mon 09-May-16 17:33:16

DD is in a similar situation - she is very rarely invited to parties.

We are not going to do any more 'big' parties for her for several reasons, not the least of them being that I am sick to the back teeth of having to chase for replies right up until the day of the party.

From now on we are going to do a big 'treat' with a few close friends.

Job done.

Ameliablue Mon 09-May-16 17:33:29

YABU

You can't always expect an invite back Not everyone has the means to have a party at all so that would mean that they wouldn't get to go to any parties and those children's whose parents could afford or choose to have a class party would end up with few acceptances.

Generally speaking if my DD is invited to a full class party, I would not necessarily reciprocate but if I knew only a small number were selected, I would be more inclined to make sure they got an invite back.

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