To not go?

(35 Posts)
Fluffythepantfireslayer Sun 08-May-16 19:31:57

During a bad patch a few years ago, DH had brief affair with one of my best friends. Horrendous fall out, she is a drinker and spilt the beans to her DH who went ballistic - our kids were bfs, so an all round almighty mess. We split but got back together, DH v repentant - she basically terrified him, after counselling we're doing well. Haven't seen OW since, sent her a message to stay away from my family and then blocked her from all communication. An exceptionally manipulative woman who scared the shit out of DH with her bunny boiler antics and I honestly think we came out of it lightly. Anyway. Big event coming up, nothing to do with her, but she's going and I feel sick. Part of me wants to front it out, but both her and her DH are loose cannons, big drinkers and I think it could get messy. My DH says he'll respect whatever I want to do, but having retained my dignity throughout the whole debacle I'd like to keep it and not go. Or is that a cop out ?

UmbongoUnchained Sun 08-May-16 19:34:06

She can't have terrified him that much if he shagged her hmm

WhereInTheWorldToNext Sun 08-May-16 19:34:28

Why would you go? You'll be miserable and or stressed - what's to be gained?

RaeSkywalker Sun 08-May-16 19:35:18

I wouldn't go, it's not worth getting anxious over. If they were at events you had to attend regularly, then it might be something you needed another strategy for, but this sounds like a very rare occurance?

WhereInTheWorldToNext Sun 08-May-16 19:36:42

umbongo it's fairly clear that the op meant she behaved in a terrifying fashion after the affair was disclosed - is there a particular reason why you felt it necessary to put the boot in as you did?

Cutecat78 Sun 08-May-16 19:37:13

Her and your husband are to blame - not you or her DH - so stop dissing him.

She "terrified" him - really?

Why on earth would you go and rake this up and possible end up in the middle of a "scene".

UmbongoUnchained Sun 08-May-16 19:37:27

Because he had an affair and she makes it sound like her husband was an innocent party in that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 08-May-16 19:37:40

Don't go.

It's just not worth the angst.

Haudyerwheesht Sun 08-May-16 19:39:07

I agree it does sound like you are blaming her for the affair. They are equally to blame.

But anyways I wouldn't go.

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-May-16 19:39:41

If you don't want to go that's totally fine. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone.

Fluffythepantfireslayer Sun 08-May-16 19:40:48

Not innocent, quite obviously but we've been working so head to get over this and she really was a total nightmare!

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 08-May-16 19:42:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cutecat78 Sun 08-May-16 19:42:45

You can't get over it by placing all the blame on her - it makes me think about how a lot of people describe their exes as a "psycho" (my ex H does - but am apparently sane enough to raise our kids with no input from him).

TendonQueen Sun 08-May-16 19:43:06

I wouldn't go. Any 'victory' there might be in going will be undermined by the stress before, during and after. Also she'll hope you will go so there can be a scene. Don't facilitate that.

gunting Sun 08-May-16 19:44:02

Fuck no! I'd make other plans.

Waltermittythesequel Sun 08-May-16 19:44:17

I never understand why women do this.

Oh, of course I'm angry but SHE was xyz...

What do you think her and her 'loose canon' husband will do?

If it's causing you this much angst, it's probably not worth going.

TendonQueen Sun 08-May-16 19:44:49

Did your husband actually say he would go if you wanted to? shock He should have the sense to know when he's been very lucky in you overlooking this.

Andylion Sun 08-May-16 19:50:11

OP I understand that you might not want to reveal details, but is the event itself important to you?

WhereInTheWorldToNext Sun 08-May-16 19:54:03

Oh ffs - Of course both are to blame but OP has said that she initially split from her DH and that he is very repentant.

I dare say she's given him a fairly hard time since the affair and her anger has dissipated. She hasn't had the opportunity (and why would she want it) with the OW so the anger remains.

Why does every. Single. Bloody. Thread. Of this nature get derailed by people banging on about how the OP should only be angry with her DH. It's tiresome

MatildaTheCat Sun 08-May-16 19:55:09

Be away on a romantic weekend with dh. Make it somewhere good.

Pearlman Sun 08-May-16 19:56:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buckinbronco Sun 08-May-16 19:57:17

I honestly can't think of one event that would be worth being in the same room as a woman my husband shagged and had an extra marital affair with. Why would you even consider it?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 08-May-16 19:57:37

How sad would you be to not go? I think I wouldn't go unless it is some form of one off that I would be heartbroken to miss. (eg mutual friend's wedding / funeral).

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 08-May-16 19:59:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffythepantfireslayer Sun 08-May-16 20:02:23

There are so many more details i'd love to give, but would out myself! Lots of friend s going, but tbh not overly fussed so no big sacrifice. I suppose I was looking for validation for wimping out so thanks for the kind advice - and the reality checks. Of course DH also to blame but it was her behaviour to me that allows me to describe her as a nightmare not DH making excuses.

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