Re DH's Hobby?(35 Posts)
I have lurked for ages and have just decided to create an account to ask this question. Will try to keep it short as I might be making a mountain out of a molehill!
DH and I (2 young DCs) both have hobbies which are independant of one another and I believe this is a good thing. However, he plays golf and I find this in particular is a constant source of arguments and resentment during the 'golfing session'.
The problem I have is that he is gone for 5 hours one day every weekend (both working Mon to Fri). It makes it hard for me to fit in the things I like and need to do at the weekend (my hobby, supermarket shopping and spending time together as a family - plus all obligations like family and kids parties). Last weekend he was away overnight with another sport he does and I felt thought he should cancel this week's round (I would have done this without hesitation).
He says he works hard and deserves it and I agree. It's just that I feel like it is me who is juggling everyone's social life and trying always to be fair, yet he only thinks about his own.
Last week he forgot to pick up the DC because I decided not to phone and remind him for the first time ever - I thought he would remember. He was at the gym!
I feel guilty when I go to the hairdressers, yet he happily goes away twice that time every weekend.
If I did want to do something alone for several hours one weekend I couldnt because I would feel the DC would be being doubley cheated IYSWIM.
He is a good husband and helps, but I feel the stress is really on me to know what needs done and when. I feel like we aren't necessarily his first thought even though I know he loves us and it makes me sad.
Sorry that this turned out long and rambling!! I guess I just need someone to listen and tell me to shake myself out of it!
You said he's a good husband and he helps. He's not.
You should both have equal amounts of free time. Not always possible but the balance is skewed. You need to sit down and talk about it as it festers.
so, its not just the 5 hours one day a week on the weekend but also time in the gym as well? now that the evenings are lighter can he not play during the week on an evening rather than on the Saturday. does it have to be 5 hours or does that include time at the 19th hole as well.
the issue is balance. if you are happy then its not a problem. if you aren't happy then you have to tell him and work out a compromise. perhaps he goes every other Saturday and once during the week. hobbies are great but they are also usually really selfish when you have a family and having kids means compromising and working around things in different ways.
Boys and their toys eh?
If you both work full time, then the available free time at the weekends should be shared equally - it sounds as though he is getting the lion's share at the moment.
It is difficult and I do identify with your problem. My OH was always willing to do stuff - e.g. pick up the children from school - but it is as if he was doing me a favour by taking over "my" job as a kindness to me. It is a subtle distinction and it is hard to feel peeved when he is actually doing it without complaint. How I do identify with the need to remind him! Sigh. It may simply be the nature of the beast.
Yanbu - When do you do spend time as a family? I would be very annoyed at this.
I know family time is important but for a little while I'd scrap that simply to prove a point.
So he gets 5/6 hours sat, you take Sunday. Even if you have nothing to do. Go out. And leave the dcs with him.
He decides he wants to gym it straight after work Monday and weds. You do the same Tues and Thurs and tell him the kids are his responsibility those days.
In the long run, I'd imagine this will make him realise and a compromise will be made which then includes family time.
But often these people respond to action more than words.
I don't believe the 'you should both have equal amounts of free time' tbh.
Equal time should be available for you both. But when it starts getting to the 'you had four hours this week and I only had 3.5, so I want my half an hour' it can get a bit silly. But it's sounds like your own guilt is one of the reasons you don't do it.
Golf is a long game and I imagine with travelling, it doesn't leave you time to do you hobby a few hours, that day and then have the other weekend day as family day.
I am struggling with this one, as I don't think he should have to give up a game because he went away last weekend. But also can see how it's all a bit much.
The forgetting the kids and the family feeling unimportant isn't ok. And I suspect if he shouldered more responsibility you wouldn't be as bothered about his golf.
I think you need a general talk about your relationship and how you are shouldering most of the parenting.
But you need to tackle why you feel guilty for getting your hair done and why you feel your kids are cheated twice if you go out when he gets back. Your kids aren't getting cheated by you and their dad having a hobby. They (and he) will benefit from having time with him on his own.
I think 5 hours at a time every weekend is too much it must really effect your family time if hes out all day 6 days a week. I would say 2 hours at a time or 5 hours every 2/3 weeks prob 3 weeks though tbh.
You aren't acting like a family, more like two selfish people wanting as much time away from family stuff as possible. He's winning the free time battle and you're unhappy.
5 hours EVERY weekend is too much with a young family. Every other weekend, OK, although once a month more appropriate tbh - then each partnr could have one x 5h a month doing their thing and the other weekends can be for family time.
I sing in various choirs. But I can't make every concert/church service or even every rehearsal because my family comes first. It's the way it is. I do what I can make and sometimes feel slightly wistful about what I can't, but know there will be more time in the future.
I am also a guilt ridden mum that doesn't get her haircut and realise I am also an unhappy mum that is not a good role model, I am taking small steps to looking after myself better hoping I will be a better role model for my kids. If you don't leave a void you don't give your husband a chance to step up.
I know what you mean that generally the man can just do stuff and assume we will pick up the slack. I feel frustrated about this in my own marriage.
I agree with NapQueen, I think you should start going out on the weekend day that he is not golfing. It doesn't have to be the same amount of time, but make time to enjoy yourself. And don't ask him if it's ok, just say you've arranged to do X on Sunday. Let him worry about the kids and getting them to parties, seeing family etc.
Either this way you get the time you need and it's more fair, and you make sure you have nice family time around this i.e. a fun activity or special meal on Sat late afternoon or Sunday morning. Or he gets pissed off and is driven to have a chat with you about it and you come to an agreement.
My DH used to have a hobby (he gets paid to go too as he's top of his field) that took up large chunks of his time, I did too but without the pay. When we had DC I gave up as I'd much rather spend time with her. My DH continued for a while, but then realised it would negatively impact his relationship with DC. So, he dropped a few levels, gave up the pay (although he helps at a higher level occasionally and does get paid) and balances the hobby and family life. He made the decision himself - he's s great husband and father. If I were you I'd be very cross indeed.
Thanks for all your replies.
I get time on weekday evenings (we share them) plus I only work 4 days a week so I have a morning one weekday too. I hope that fact doesn't count as drip feeding!
From writing this out and trying to think it through I think my main problem is how uncompromising he is in pleasing himself. If he gave up a weekend he would make me feel really guily like a nagging shrew. The other guys play twice every weekend and their wives don't complain. See! He's already having to compromise and the other guys are really good at accomodating him and his nightmare wife! (Only one is married with kids.)
I get the distinct impression that he thinks his job is really hard and tiring, while mine is easy and just for pocket money. Maybe I'm wrong as he has never actually said that.
I'm starting to see that I really need to chat to him about this instead of waiting until I am angry and then arguing.
I just find it hard to express myself in a way that he understands. And I don't want him to resent me.
I think there are two issues. I'm not a believer in everyone should have the same amount of free time thing because some hobbies take more time than others but both parties need to be happy with the arrangement. I have far less time than dh but that's because I don't have a hobby as such. But we are both happy with our split and I know if I want a spa, or trip away with the girls I can take it.
But the other issue is one of feeling guilty. Why do you feel guilty for spending time having your hair cut? Their is no need to feel guilty, and you need to find a way to feel comfortable with spending time on you. Otherwise you will end up curtailing his hobby and not actually enjoying your own free time either, then no one is happy.
"....I only work 4 days a week ..."
err no you don't. you work all day Saturday looking after the kids as well. Does he shoulder 50% of looking after the kids? if not then this extra is your work as well isn't it.
you are completely right. don't try and discuss this when you are tired, angry or fed up. if necessary write a few points down beforehand and go over what you want to say and how you will counter his arguments (you seem to know what they are likely to be already)
make sure he shoulders his 50% the rest of the time.
Stop apologising. he isn't in the right over this, you know he isn't.
I don't want him to resent me but you are resenting him at the moment?
My DH takes his motorbike out every weekend on a Saturday, for 6 hours. I used to really really resent it. Until I started booking time out for me too. I make sure I have a long lunch and/or a day with the girls at the weekends too.
As our DD is two we are up early on a Sunday so do some family stuff then, plus when he gets back on a Saturday.
I do think if you reclaim some time for you, you won't resent him so much.
Book something in ASAP! Even if you just go on it on your own, with zero plans. Get him into the mindset of you having time too....
mummymeister I am a bit resentful. But it's more like muskateer'smummy says; what's the point of curtailing his hobby and having everyone unhappy?
Noting down what I want to say is a good idea. I also need to think about how I am willing to compromise with him. 2 out of every 3 weekends sounds good as someone pointed out.
Would he be happy to give you a free 5h the other day of the weekend i.e. By doing kids parties etc. If so, and you simply don't ask for/want such a chunk then it doesn't feel right to resent that he does want such a stretch of time.
It is worth thinking about why you chose to say he 'helps' - you presumably chose to have and/or raise children together do it should not feel as though childcare is your responsibility and he is generous to help.
Have you thought about doing your food shopping online? It is a godsend for our household, no more trips with baby to the supermarket. An annual delivery pass for about £30 (sainsburys) makes it pretty reasonable.
Make a list of all the time he has had to play his sport each weekend and during the week. Go back as long as you can.
Then make a list of the time YOU have had to do your hobbies/play sport.
Then show them to him and see what he says.
If he doesn't immediately feel shocked and embarrassed, and promise that you can have enough time as him each week, then he's a selfish twit.
But yes, also do online shopping and chores in the week so that you can spend fun time with your dc at weekends. Online shopping is a godsend!!
I think it's about finding a balance that you are both happy. What do you want to do? How much time do you need? Then have a chat and say to dh "I really want to start doing x on this day each week, so I'm going to do it as of x date"
Oh, also, I go away on holiday with a girlfriend every year for a week.
Some snarky friend of DH made a comment along the lines of my poor DH...I pointed out that 6 hours each Saturday X 52 is actually two whole weeks he gets to himself, so a one week holiday for me is him getting off lightly...no more was said.
Reclaim your time and leave him to it!
I think it's interesting that you said 'he is a good husband and helps,' - "helps" with what? With his children - well they are his kids so he shouldn't be helping with them or babysitting them - just looking after them as a joint parent. If it's with the housework, then same thing - it's just as much his house and his mess as yours!
This might explain why he feels entitled to have more free time - he (and you) seem to subconsciously think boring grown up things like cleaning, maintenance, looking after kids are your full time job and he kindly does something to "help" when he can, now and again, like a close friend might do. So why should he spend as much time doing it when (in his mind) its your responsibility? Not saying this viewpoint is right btw, or even fully realised in his mind...but could explain things?
Golf is a bugger. We used to play before DC, but...
DH would love to play golf, but as long as he's still playing rugby (2 trainings a week and then gone for 5 hours for matches on Sat, with the occasional travel for international matches), then any other time if he's not at work, is family time. Fortunately there's no argument (we discussed a lot early on ). Out of rugby season, I get to do my sport but still no golf for him because it's my turn! It's not ideal, but it works okay while DC are little.
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