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AIBU?

I think I have stopped loving my son (who is 11)...

188 replies

23Bailey · 07/05/2016 23:36

I feel like many of you will hate me for this...

DS is 11... He is in Secondary School...

He is an absolute pain in the arse. I get 5 phone calls a day from school (each lesson) telling me all the things he has done - swearing, being rude, insulting teachers, insulting pupils, throwing things. It's really beginning to get to me. I tell him off/I take his gadgets away/I have tried the softer approach/the stricter approach; nothing works.

I go in for a meeting once a week. For them to just tell me how awful my son is to teach and how awful he is to be around. I feel like a total shot mother. I'm trying, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He hits people/starts fights... He has been excluded 8 times in Yr 7, already. They have told me numerous times that he is close to going to a unit. He couldn't give two shits. He isn't nice to me, he hits me, says I'm a shit mum and sometimes wishes me dead. He pushes over his baby sister, calls her names, etc. She's only 2. It's getting ridiculous... I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him. Then school nurse referred to CAMHS, he was assessed for ADHD, and a few other things. He is fine. He started therapy (CBT) but was so rude to her, she refused to see him.

I'm at my wits end, he's literally a horrible little boy. I'm sorry but he is making everyone's lives horrible. Children are refusing to come into school because they are scared of him hurting them, etc.

I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

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wonkylampshade · 07/05/2016 23:43

That sounds really tough .

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 23:44

Bailey don't be so hard on yourself you sound at the end of your tether.

YoungGiftedwithflab32 · 07/05/2016 23:47

Him goin to a unit might actually work out great, he'll get more 1-1attention and they have better facilities to deal with kids like him, I've known a few people that didn't get on well in secondary school and went to units for behaviour problems and really liked it and did very well, I would speak about it with school and see if they think it would be a good move, also unit's work on a different schedule to mainstream and usually involve a lot more physical activities, this is just goin on what I have heard, I went to a unit for kids with medical problems (I was pregnant) and that was great for me! But I would say it's worth a looking into as an option to deal with him.

I'm sure you do love him, just very tested with his behaviour, don't give up on him yet!

All the best

Newmumma85 · 07/05/2016 23:48

you sound like you are doing what you can in a terrible situation. I don't really have any advice but you have my sympathy.

As a teacher (who has come across children who sound like yours) I would always try and focus on any positive to try and remember a child isn't all bad. Can he maybe be kind? Thoughtful? Helpful? Empathic? Loving? Remembering the good parts might help you handle the worst. Probably not very helpful sorry

I hope things get better for you

LovePotion9 · 07/05/2016 23:48

This makes me so sad for you

He reads as such an angry little boy - which is sad too.

23Bailey · 07/05/2016 23:49

I just can't cope with him. He hates me... I am beginning to hate him. I cannot do anymore for him... I have tried to help him, but he nasty. There isn't one person in the world that likes him, it's sad. His teachers dread the lessons they have with him, teachers have cried because of his comments. He is 11, ffs. I don't know what I'm doing different to all you good mums out there?

He's that boy that all the mums dread to see.

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 07/05/2016 23:49

Has he been assessed for a conduct disorder? Not having ADHD doesn't mean there isn't more going on and what you describe is extraordinarily severe.

Is there anything, anything at all, that can account for that level of anger? I mean, has anything traumatic happened in his life, that you are aware of at least (that's not meant critically - he could have been abused and you not know it; I'm not for a moment implying lack of concern on your part).

Finally, when did this start - you say "stopped loving" which implies you always did before? Was he always oppositional, or was it different in the past?

23Bailey · 07/05/2016 23:51

Thank you all.

He has always been difficult. They couldn't wait to see the back of him at primary. He would have to sit outside the heads office all year.

I am only now finding it so hard because he is saying more and more nasty things

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 07/05/2016 23:53

there isn't one person in the world that likes him

This is so sad to read op :(

Has he always been a bit of a tear away or is this a recent thing. It could be new school/pressure/baby sibling?

ollieplimsoles · 07/05/2016 23:53

Sorry x posted just read he has always been like this :(

DotForShort · 07/05/2016 23:54

Why do you think he behaves this way? Has there been a change in his behaviour or has he always struggled? Have you had a close relationship with him until recently? How about his relationships to other family members (dad, granny, cousins) and friends?

You sound at the end of your tether. But he needs you in his corner, he really does. and for you.

DotForShort · 07/05/2016 23:57

Sorry, typed too slowly and x-posted with you. Do you have any idea what the root cause of his behaviour might be?

23Bailey · 07/05/2016 23:58

All my family refuse to see him. His dad left us because of his behaviour... It's just me left, but it's too hard. I know he needs me, but why does he say such horrible things? Why does he wish me dead? I do nothing but try and help him. I do discipline him, but he just sits there counting, for forever, he will get to 60000000000, he just does it until he goes to school or earns something back. He doesn't care. Never gets bored. I'm so lost

OP posts:

LanaorAna1 · 07/05/2016 23:59

I think the unit sounds like a good idea. He needs more than you or the school can give him. And this level of chaos creation is not fair on anyone else, you and DD included - it might help you too.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/05/2016 23:59

Where is his dad in all this?

threelittlerapscallions · 08/05/2016 00:00

Was he an awful baby, toddler and preschooler or did his behaviour get worse at some point? Did you ever have a good relationship with him or was it always difficult? What sleeponeday said - there must be more to thins - not at all suggesting you are not a caring Mum but maybe there is something you don't know about.

Sounds really tough for you and I agree that a unit could be the best thing (I used to teach in one) and it turns around some kids to be out fo mainstream school.

Is there anyone in his life (friend, relative) who has a decent relationship with him? If so maybe get this person on board.

Lottielottie41 · 08/05/2016 00:00

My DD is exactly she same, she does however have ADHD (but won't try medication or talking therapies, completely in engaged with the entire process, thinks it's everyone else with the issue). I know exactly how you feel other parents don't let their children associate with her , it only makes them worse - self fulfilling prophecy once they have the reputation it's hard for anyone to give them a chance.

Originalfoogirl · 08/05/2016 00:00

Does sound tough. I'm shocked that a trained counsellor wrote him off. He clearly has some issues and its vital you get to the bottom of them.

A service cannot just refuse to see a child because of behaviour, she should have referred him elsewhere. What did she expect from an 11 year old requiring CBT? A quiet, compliant well mannered little angel? Perhaps finding a male counsellor would be better for him? I'm also baffled by the school. He is either headed for a unit or he isn't. He can't be "close to it" numerous times. Sounds like they are using that as a threat to try to scare you. I'm not sure what they think this will achieve.

You don't mention Dad, or partner, do you have any family support. Is this a recent change in his behaviour? If so, what lead to it? Could it be a hormonal thing, in which case medication can help. It is possible any change in his chemicals has gone a bit wrong. If it's a much longer term thing, then there clearly is an underlying medical issue.

Either way, you cannot and should not be expected to cope with this on your own. Bang hard on any door until someone listens. He is a frightened, unhappy little boy who needs a mum who loves him. The two of you need some help to try to get him back.

threelittlerapscallions · 08/05/2016 00:00

this not thins

YoungGiftedwithflab32 · 08/05/2016 00:00

When he says horrible things what do you do at that moment?

pickledparsnip · 08/05/2016 00:01

Poor you and poor him. He sounds like a lost little boy. I hope someone can help.

SuburbanRhonda · 08/05/2016 00:02

I would go back to the GP. He sounds more than a bit lively. Tell the GP you are at the end if your tether and he is starting to be violent to his 2-year-old sister. You need your HP to understand that your whole family needs help.

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Ditsy4 · 08/05/2016 00:02

Perhaps he would be better in a different style of school. Not everyone fits into a ordinary school. Have a look and visit other more alternative style schools. They oftehave more success. Why has he always behaved like this?

Hurryup2016 · 08/05/2016 00:04

Sorry I have no helpful advice. You sound like you have tried all you can. I hope you find the help you need

23Bailey · 08/05/2016 00:05

I honestly don't know why he is like this. At nursery he was sent home at least once a month for hitting and biting, I tried time outs and removal of toys at that age.

When he says horrible things to me now, I tell him how it's unacceptable, make him stop what ever he is doing and send him right off to his room (which is basically empty) and I tell him that he can stay up there for the rest of the day. Which he happily does... What more can I do?

The therapist used to me genuinely upset by his comments and couldn't see him anymore.

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