To be scared to talk to go about mental health

[Changeynamename]

Sometime almost a year ago I had some kind of breakdown- was really really scary.
I did see the go at the beginning of this before it was bad, and go said it soundly like ocd (believing I had done things I haven't and trying to remember over and over again was the main issue at the time)
And gave me antidepressants and a referable for talking therapy. Never went back so not on medication and never went to the talking therapies thing.

Things got worse though.
I was terrified that I must have dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) and had been doing evil things that I had no idea about. Now I'm "normal" I know I didn't do any of these things and actually some of them were completely ridiculous.
I thought I had killed someone, and that the police were hacking my phone and watching me.
I woke up one night and heard my dp in the kitchen, I thought he was mixing poison into a drink to try and kill me.
I couldn't think at all other than about this stuff. I couldn't even concentrate to eat, I couldn't stay still. I was going outside for fags every 5 minutes and pacing around and having 5 showers a day just trying to get the thoughts to stop.this was every day for months.

Now I'm worried about wtf it was that happened to my mind but also scared to tell the go incase they tell social services and decide I'm insane or something. I have had very brief ss involvement when they came round once after a drunk argument between me and dp (ds wasn't there when we had the argument) they decided all was fine and that was that. But I know that puts toy on some kind of ss involvement list or something
But I am so scared of this happening to me again I don't know what to do. I can feel thoughts creeping up on me now and I don't want to it go out of hand again.

[Changeynamename]

Go should be GP. Thanks phone

[Misnomer]

That sounds like a really scary experience to have gone through. You really do need to see your GP. And you need to be as clear as possible about what happened last time and ask how best to handle things if you were to become unwell again. I can't see why the GP would involve social services if you are flagging up a potential problem - it's a very sensible approach to take and shows an awareness of your own mental health. But I think you really need help managing this so let the GP help.

[mrssmith79]

OP, I'm a nurse in community mental health services. It really sounds like you need some help and advice. Please see your gp. For what it's worth, referral for mental health services doesn't mean automatic ss involvement.

[Changeynamename]

I just feel like I lost my mind and I feel like I'm starting to loose it again now. Im worried the GP will just put me on antidepressants again but I think they made it worse (is that possible?) I'm not depressed but I'm pretty sure I have problems with anxiety is there such thing as anti anxiety medication? Can't do the talking therapies thing now because if you cancel 3 appointments you're not allowed to use it for a year.

[FlyingElbows]

You need to see your Gp. If you feel anxious about actually saying it out loud then show them what you have written here. Don't wait until you are feeling the same as you did before. Please don't worry about the social services, be honest and open with your gp and let them help you.

[RedToothBrush]

If you are managing mental health problem and engaging with the GP you are LESS likely to have SS involvement than if you ignore the problem, have an episode where you are not in control and its seen you are avoiding the things that might have led to that situation.

SS are there to help. They get a bad press because of some of the job they do, like removing children from parents (for the right or wrong reasons). But this is just part of what they do. They also try and keep families together. So if they do get involved its not necessarily because you are a 'bad parent' its because you need some extra support and they want to do that.

[Changeynamename]

I'm so scared to talk to my gp about it because it's just really embarassing. "Oh I thought my boyfriend was trying to kill me but he wasn't obviously and I thought the police were stalking my phone and flat because i thought i had a whole psychopath personality that i never knew about but I'm totally sane honest"
What if he thinks I AM a psychopath and I'm lying and calls the police or something.
I really don't see me being able to explain any of this well at all, but on the other hand I know I need to and soon because I can feel the same sort of feeling creeping up on me but maybe if it happens again at least I'll have the insight to know it's temporary this time

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

If you think you might be a psychopath; you're not a psychopath.

Psychopaths lack the insight to recognise this.

I think that if you tell the gp you've recognised these behaviours it shows that you are in control and doing the best for your household.

Anti depressants don't work for everyone and there are so many on offer that finding one that fits your chemical imbalance is like being cinderella with the glass slipper.

Don't be afraid. Be proactive and seek some help. You recognise that your behaviours aren't 'normal' so you could prevent this for yourself and those around you.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

If you cant get it out in words just show them this thread.

It is difficult if you suffer from anxiety as the pressure often makes communication difficult

[VashtaNerada]

I agree, use this thread to explain it. The GP will know all about mental health and nothing you've said here sounds ridiculous to me - they will have other patients experiencing similar things. As someone else said, it will be looked on favourably that you're seeking help as opposed to ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Much better to talk to the GP when you're feeling 'normal' rather than waiting just in case things get bad again

[yorkshapudding]

I thought I had killed someone, and that the police were hacking my phone and watching me.
I woke up one night and heard my dp in the kitchen, I thought he was mixing poison into a drink to try and kill me.
I couldn't think at all other than about this stuff. I couldn't even concentrate to eat, I couldn't stay still. I was going outside for fags every 5 minutes and pacing around and having 5 showers a day just trying to get the thoughts to stop.this was every day for months

You need to tell your GP exactly what you have written here. All of it. Don't try to minimise it or play it down. Explain that you feel that those thoughts are starting to creep back in again. Don't worry about SS, as others have said, a referral to mental health services doesn't automatically trigger an SD referral.

[Baconyum]

Op I was you 10 years ago. Only difference is my ocd is contamination.

Ss involvement is not automatic, even if it is decided that it's necessary they are wonderfully helpful, seriously the lady that saw me even reassured me I was a good mum (despite being mid breakdown and house a tip! But dd was clean, fed, warm and happy), ironically it was my not telling my gp for fear of SS involvement which meant I got too ill, friend had to call in help, because I'd not asked for help and because I was a LP SS had to be called in so it was a self fulfilling prophecy in the end. Daft!

Your anxiety about this is more than likely part of the illness. Helps to remember that.

Anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication (anxiolytics) are sooooo many there's bound to be one that works - it takes a little trial and error is all. I'm on my 4th anti-d after first 2 didn't work and I became intolerant to 3rd, I also have anxiolytics for when anti-ds not quite enough.

Therapy - hugely helpful and not scary, again perhaps a little trial and error as you're effectively looking for a professional 'friend'. CBT didn't work for me and so a therapist who wasn't determined to only use that was assigned to me. Instead we use a mixture of other therapies. Your first few sessions are usually 'getting to know you' anyway so nothing too scary and therapists are lovely people. You might even get a cuppa

Ocd is really really common, I'm on several online chat forum for ocd sufferers and people (including me) have confessed to FAR worse thoughts than you have (and many have children).

This illness is like a mean wee bully in your brain - don't let the wee fucker win!!

Feel free to pm if you'd like to discuss further.

[Baconyum]

Just to say, yes I'm still ill (I was doing much better but family crap made me ill again), but I'm WAY better than I was. I have a life, hobbies, friends, a great relationship with dd. Mental illness doesn't always get better every day, like any illness you have good and bad days, but if you get help and help yourself (engage) the good days eventually outweigh the bad.

[oldjacksscrote]

You'll most likely be put on antipsychotic meds which can also be used to treat anxiety, I have EUPD and suffered post partum psychosis, which includes auditory and visual delusions, I thought something evil wanted me and my baby, I told the doctor and I received so much help and support, accepting any help that is offered is really important if you want to get better.