To wish my DM wouldn't be so overprotective.

(18 Posts)
ADiamondInTheRough Sat 07-May-16 18:52:09

Regular poster who has NC for privacy reasons. Me and my DM have a close relationship, but she is really getting on my nerves lately.

I'm late 20s, been to university, run my own business, have raised two DC and financially independent.

I've been really keen to do some travelling lately. I've got friends all over the world and I'm looking to go out to the states this summer, with DC if needed. My DM however is extremely paranoid about terrorists, bombs and things happening to me. Last year we had an argument because I went to London shopping for the weekend, and she thought it was 'too risky' and then snapped and said 'fine, do what you like, you clearly don't think anything through, why do you like putting yourself in unnecessary danger?' which then put a dampener on the weekend for me - especially as she was calling every few hours to check I hadn't been blown up. So when I told her today that I... gasp ...plan on going outside of England, she started giving me a lecture about it 'just not being safe' and 'lots of planes are crashing lately'. I've said that I'm much more likely to be in a RTA in my constant sleep deprived state than on a plane, but she refuses to listen.

It's wearing a bit thin lately. I've got the whole of July/August off this year, and have enough saved up to go on this trip. It's not even in a big city, it's a rural coastal area of the states and I'd only be gone for four days max. It just really grates on me that at my age, having raised my own family and lived independently for many years that I'm 'not allowed'. It would be the same if I was even going anywhere more than 20 miles from my hometown! I want to travel and experience different cultures, and show the world to my DC. Surely, as an adult, I should be entitled to do that?

I don't want to fall out with her. DF is the same with the 'danger' lectures, but to a lesser extent. How would others go about this? She is not controlling in any other way, it's just when it comes to travelling and the potential risks.

ADiamondInTheRough Sat 07-May-16 20:03:41

Anyone?!

KP86 Sat 07-May-16 20:09:03

Don't tell her until you're back.

ImperialBlether Sat 07-May-16 20:13:50

Does she ever travel?

It's natural to be anxious about children, no matter what their age. My daughter's about to go off to India and then to go travelling and I feel really anxious about it, but she's agreed that she'll be in touch regularly, even if it's just to say "I'm ok." Actually, that's all I need to know!

The problem is that your mum seems to see danger everywhere and it can't be doing her any good at all. Doesn't she have anything else to focus on? Does she work? Is she in a relationship?

ImperialBlether Sat 07-May-16 20:13:50

Does she ever travel?

It's natural to be anxious about children, no matter what their age. My daughter's about to go off to India and then to go travelling and I feel really anxious about it, but she's agreed that she'll be in touch regularly, even if it's just to say "I'm ok." Actually, that's all I need to know!

The problem is that your mum seems to see danger everywhere and it can't be doing her any good at all. Doesn't she have anything else to focus on? Does she work? Is she in a relationship?

I know you say she goes on, but then you jump to sounding as if you're not going.
Just stop engaging with her about it. Don't react to her comments, change the subject.
And enjoy your holiday.
But I would be careful that she isn't making your children anxious about travelling,m. You don't want them worrying because 'Grandma said the plane will blow up'

Optimist1 Sat 07-May-16 20:31:56

You have two months off but are planning a trip for 4 days max ???

John4703 Sat 07-May-16 20:35:54

Go, Enjoy. I was worried when any of my adult children went off travelling. I'll worry later this year when my son is travelling in the Middle East but I want them to enjoy themselves.
As a parent I want my children to enjoy life.
YANBU to go and have a great trip, just phone or text or email home occasionally

AnthonyPandy Sat 07-May-16 20:39:22

Don't ever talk to her about your travel plans until you are back. But send her a postcard. And find friends travelling to dangerous places and get them to send her postcards signed by you.

ADiamondInTheRough Sat 07-May-16 20:43:51

She has travelled in the past but tends to stick to UK only these days. A few years ago I announced I was going to the ROI and she ended up coming with me because of 'all the goings on there'. It was by boat though, which she seems to think is safer? confused

Yes sadly it would be only about 4 days Optimist as the hotel I like is on the pricey side and DM will probably offer to keep one of the DC with her as he's disabled, which is 100 x easier for me but don't want to be away from him too long either.

I could just go and not tell her, but we usually keep in contact throughout the day or see each other, and often if I'm not replying to messages because I'm out somewhere she panics!

timelytess Sat 07-May-16 20:46:09

She's terrified of losing you. Its hard when your children start getting about all over the place.

You mustn't limit your life because of her fears. Just take reasonable precautions, don't be reckless. Tell her you love her and do keep her informed.

funnyperson Sat 07-May-16 20:52:53

Your mum sounds overanxious in relation to travel imo. And definitely in relation to shopping in London her reaction is OTT.

I think you should travel for as long as possible as you only live once.

All our family travel loads. We don't worry anymore. A nephew is cycling solo round the world. By and large if you get in a scrape you will probably get out of it: just be sensible. Stay insured, keep your passport and money on you at all times, don't go off with strangers, know where the British Consul is, etc etc.

As a mother I like the DC (in their twenties) to text me or email me every week minimum when travelling and preferably every other day though thats a big ask and hardly ever happens.

funnyperson Sat 07-May-16 20:54:36

Personally I would go for a cheaper hotel and a longer stay away especially if leaving a DC behind: 7 days minimum!

BearItInMind Sat 07-May-16 20:56:51

Sounds like she has severe anxiety about things happening to you, beyond the norm - can you talk to her and explore why that is? It can't be nice for her to worry so much. Perhaps she would benefit from talking to someone or at least being aware of where it seems from, and the impact it has on you. In my experience it's likely to get worse as she gets older, although perhaps the way to improve things is for you to normalise travel by doing it more regularly! In the short term you probably just need to let it wash over you and enjoy your break.

ADiamondInTheRough Sat 07-May-16 21:00:26

funny I would love to go for 7 days! I was planning on taking a few short breaks to different places over the summer after that trip though, probably closer to home than the states so I the DC can both come along... Jersey is safe right? grin

SquinkiesRule Sat 07-May-16 21:02:46

Don't let her stop you doing anything.
No way I'd go all that way for 4 days, you have loads of time off, take the kids and go to the beach for a couple of weeks at least.
Flights for 4 days cost more you have to at least stay over a weekend to get a cheaper flight.

AvaLeStrange Sat 07-May-16 21:21:34

Jersey was the only part of the UK to be occupied by the Germans in WW2 so she probably wouldn't fancy your chances there either!

My mum is exactly the same and it's really held me back over the years, so I'd say do your best to ignore her and go for it.

Tell her what you're doing on a need to know basis and agree a bare minimum of contact to keep her from 'twanging'. If I'm going anywhere new/distant I just text 'AP&C' (All Present & Correct) when I get there so she knows I've arrived ok, and again when I get back to wherever I'm staying for the night.

She's on Facebook so I can update on there without having to have a stressful conversation if necessary which also helps.

Absolutely don't let her stop you going though.

shinynewusername Sat 07-May-16 21:24:25

You just have to be firm and she will get used to it. Don't deprive yourself & your DC of an amazing trip.

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