To ask my friend to stop turning up at my house every single day? (very long sorry!)(179 Posts)
Ok so I have a male friend, I'll call him X to save me typing my friend all the time!
I apologise for the seriously long post but I'm trying to avoid drip feeding.
So my OH and I have known X for many years, we all grew up in the same village, went to the same school (although not at the same time he is 6 years older than me but the same age as OH), went to the same local pub etc etc.
He has fallen out with various people over the years because he is a very big gossip/stirrer and people obviously don't take too kindly to this including my OH who doesn't have anything to do with him other than being polite/civil if they bump into each other.
He has a really annoying habit of just turning up at my house rather than texting/ringing first - hasn't really been much of an issue up to now as I am rarely in my house and if I wasn't at home he would just drive off, but I go somewhere every evening and X used to go there maybe once or twice a week at the same time as me.
I don't want to state where it is I go in the evenings (it's not a pub or anything like that!) because it might out me but I have to go there every evening at roughly the same time there is no alternative to this incase someone suggestions not going there. I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.
So X is single and a few years ago (when me and my OH had just started dating) he helped me out a LOT with different things - I never asked him to, he always just happened to be around when I was struggling with something and this saved me a great deal of effort and time for which I was massively thankful for.
Anyway, he used to confide in me for different things, mainly his love life, and took my listening as a wrong signal and asked me out on a date - I let him down gently by saying sorry you're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend and you're not my type I'm dating Y (my current OH) to which he then wanted to know what Y had that he didn't. Got very offended and avoided me for weeks and made things very difficult for me.
Fast forward to now- he had been relatively normal up to 3 weeks ago, was happy me and OH are still together but had this annoying habit of just turning up to my house every weekend without fail when he knows I'm really really busy and only have a few hours on the weekend to do things I want to do, whether it be cleaning the house or just relaxing for 2 hours max. He would turn up and stay for those entire 2 hours just gossping/stirring and going on and on about his lovelife or lack thereof.
So about 2 months ago he met a woman, turned up and told me all about it, I was genuinely really happy for him and didn't hear from him much during the 3 weeks they were together but then it went horribly wrong he tried pushing it into something more serious really quickly, she freaked out and backed off.
Since then he has been calling me daily/texting me/turning up at my house on a daily basis and going on and on and on about how they split up, insists I read all the messages between them, replays all the scenarios and we have the same conversation every single day.
He he has now met another girl which happens to be an ex girlfriend of my OH from years ago. Told me he happened to bump into her even though she lives 20 miles away and he wasn't anywhere near her home town and then she went back to his and slept together... I find this really hard to believe but that's not the point - he keeps begging me not to tell my OH as he thinks he will get really mad (he won't!) yet rings me to talk about her when he knows I will be with my OH.
He now wants me to go to this girls place of work to "check her out" on his behalf to see if she's his type - I have no idea what his type is it seems to be anyone that will listen to him for more than 5 minutes. I also find it hard to get my head around why someone would need "checking out" after they've already slept together?
I'm getting fed up of him quite frankly, I'm fed up of him turning up unannounced at my house every day - I'm rarely there but my neighbour has told me he has often sat outside for an hour or more and that would coincide with phone calls asking where I was. He waits for me in the evenings at the place I go, and then goes on and on, if I say sorry I'm busy gotta dash he will follow me in the car then go on and on, turns up at my parents house if I'm there.
I work from home twice a week and he came round last week and let himself in because I didn't answer! was most put out when I said I was working and waited outside my house until I'd finished and tackled me when I was leaving the house. And if all of that fails he will ring me constantly. I can't not answer as it might be important and he will start off the conversation with something that seems quite genuine and then ramble on about his love life or start gossiping.
He constantly looks for compliments - sent me a message on FB yesterday which said "oh I don't think I'll be seeing this girl again I'm FAR too ugly" obviously wanting me to say no you're not etc.
Luckily my OH knows what X is like and doesn't seem him as a threat whatsoever but that's not really the point - I wouldn't dream of hounding a male friend if they were in a relationship! OH knows I am in a difficult position with regards to not offending him also.
I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me.
He rang me yesterday, I didn't answer as I was in a meeting so he then text me asking why I wouldn't answer so I said I was busy and what is the problem? He just said nothing is wrong I just need to chat to you so can you answer. I just said no sorry I'm really busy to which he said fine I'll see you later then.
He doesn't seem to get the message, I've tried hiding in my house when he turns up (I really shouldn't have to!) but he will try all the doors in my house, goes round the back, rings me, waits outside etc and its all to gossip or tell me about his latest love conquest and I've had enough. If I say I'm really busy don't have time to stop and chat he won't take this as a hint to leave he just says he will talk whilst I carry on doing whatever it is I need to do. Last week I thought I had found the perfect answer - I said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to just try and have a sleep so he said ok I'll just wait downstairs for you then!
I also feel incredibly guilty as he has helped me out a lot in the past and don't really want that thrown in my face either and I feel like a right cow for not wanting to speak to him all the time when he obviously doesn't have anyone else to talk to.
It's not as if I didn't give him the time of day to start with - when he broke up with the first girl initially I was there for him every single day for 2 weeks, gave him advice which he completely ignored - I told him to delete her from Facebook because he kept checking what she had posted then sent me screenshots and wanted me to analyse it in detail as to what she was trying to say. Apparently " Just popping to the shops with friends" is a cryptic message saying she wants to get back together and wouldn't have it when I said it wasn't anything other than just popping to the shops with her friends.
So I need to somehow tell him in a way which won't offend him and make him go off on one, that I can't cope with the daily bombardment of messages/phone calls/ turning up.
Any ideas please? and thankyou for getting this far!
This struck me:
I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.
Does he know something about you that he could use as blackmail or tell your OH about?
There really isn't anything you can do if you are unwilling to tell him to back the fuck off.
His behaviour is obsessive, and you are feeding it.
If you really can't ditch him, you'll have to put up with it.
Unless he knows you have bodies buried under the patio or something though, I'd just tell him straight. What can he do really?
Blimey, that's a difficult one! He seems to have the hide of a rhinoceros so I suspect that unless you're downright blunt and tell him to back off because you have x, y or z to do then he won't change. Could DH have a word with him or intercept him when he comes to the house?
Perhaps tell him you can only catch up once a week and suggest a neutral venue?
We had something similar years ago and eventually had to cool the friendship because nothing else worked.
When you say he let himself in... does he have a key to your place?? Change the locks, immediately. This is called stalking and if someone was constantly outside my door and trying all the doors if I didn't answer then I would phone the police.
He sounds unhinged and you need to report it, no matter what the consequences are of you falling out.
Did you ever sleep with him but tell your OH you hadn't?
No no imperialBlether its nothing like that he doesn't have anything to blackmail me over or tell OH about nothing sinister I promise! - OH knows the exact reason why I can't afford to piss him off.
I think you need to tell him that you feel he has crossed the line from friend to stalker. Because thats what he is doing - he has developed an unhealthy obsession with you.
Also, I think you OH should talk to him, tell him he doesnt like the bloke hanging out at yours, finds it disrespectful etc.
If he doesnt like it - whats the worst think that could happen - does he have something on you?
Well if you're not willing to tell him to back off and leave you alone for fear of offending him then what else can we suggest?
He sounds obsessed and you are allowing it out of what? Guilt? Fear?
What could he possibly know/do that would make things very difficult for you?
No spock he doesn't have a key I stupidly left the patio door unlocked when I was hanging out the washing that morning - OH went mad and said it could have been anyone that let themselves in without me knowing- let alone X!
Sorry to ask OP, but is there a part of you that likes this constant attention from him? Regardless of your (both) past, he has no hold over you, you are both adults and he and you need relationship boundaries, I think that is what you are saying? You need to find a way to tell him you need space? He needs to learn to make decisions in his life without you, perhaps that is a challenge for him but that is something we all need to try and learn.
OK. You have to break free of this man. His behaviour is intimidating. You might have to take radical steps.
The place where you have to be - is there another place like it in a nearby town, where you could go if you had to?
You need to record his behaviour (your post is a good start) and inform the police community officers, just in case of escalation.
Change your phone number.
Write up his behaviour for his GP. They can't do anything unless he contacts them, but they can be aware and ask the right questions. Does he with a community psychiatric nurse? The woman who behaved like this was under mh care and it helped to be able to talk to the nurse who knew about it.
If your OH knows the reason then I just don't understand why you can't be quite rude to this guy and tell him he's overcrowding you. As for him just walking into your house, that's really awful - he has no boundaries whatsoever.
I'm wondering if you owe him a lot of money or something.
Anyway, whatever it is - have you tried your very best to sever that dependence on him? Because he sounds nuts and quite frankly frightening. If some dude was going round my house trying all the doors and windows I would tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, no matter how much I liked him.
Your poor partner and neighbours as well!
Would the fall out from offending him really be worse than your current situation?
How could be make your life more difficult than he already is?
Are you fearing for his mental health? Is that why you can't confront him? As you can't have responsibility for that either OP. That is his stuff, not yours.
Oh blimey no ImperialBlether I have never so much as touched him! Believe me he really really is not my type!
I can't tell you what he could do as this would immediately out me - chances are probably slim but I don't want to take the chance...but its nothing crime related/blackmail nothing like that.
It's really hard to think of anything he could do, tbh.
Does it involve telling someone something? For example, if you yelled at him, would you be worried he'd immediately gossip about you?
I hate to say it, but could your husband put in a jealous act and tell him he's not to be near you without your husband being there? That way, hopefully, this freak will not make things difficult for you and your husband can be a distraction barrier against the bullshit.
Or give him a certain day of the week that you can take a couple of hours to listen to him withering on. That way you can give him the impression he's getting the upper deal.
Well as we don't know why you can't offend him its hard to advise, but what does your OH suggest, seeing as he knows the full picture.
I would advise arranging to meet away from your home more, to break that pattern. If he calls tell him you are busy but suggest a coffee in a cafe later, or a walk in the park. Try at least to keep your home free of him. And keep doors locked, and turn off your phone at times to give yourself a break. Honestly is there anything really urgent he needs to contact you for? You seem to want him to change his behaviour, but he won't, he's happy with it. You have to change your's if anything is to change.
Imagine the worst possible outcome of "I need some space". What could he do? How would it impact you? How likely is this scenario you fear?
And then compare it to your current situation. The stress, the hiding in your own house, looking over your shoulder.
Could be really make this situation worse?
Unless you've committed some heinous crime that he's aware of, there is nothing that could make me put up with that behaviour.
Especially considering it won't affect your relationship with OH.
You describe him as a friend, OP, but really? He sounds frightening.
I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me
This is key, though isn't it? Have you recently shared these reasons with anyone for new perspective? You may need someone telling you that these reasons aren't as binding as you think.
I would be at my wits end with that kind of behaviour.
No MeeMolly I promise you I HATE the constant attention! Nope don't owe him any money either.
I will try my best to give an example so you all don't think I'm nuts (you probably may have come to that conclusion already after my post!)
So lets say for example I rent a house, and lets say there are no tenants rights and a landlord can just evict someone whenever they wanted to without any legal comebacks etc etc etc. Now imagine you had nowhere else to go, there were no other houses for rent and the council housing system didn't exist and if you annoyed the landlord they could just come in throw you out immediately and you'd have to sleep on the streets.
Its that type of scenario - I am NOT renting a house off him, I am just trying to think of a similar scenario. I am in the process of trying to find an alternative to my current situation that would free me from him but right now it's not a possible option but I have tried every single means so far.
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