About sleep/work timings

[EvansAndThePrince]

I'm currently a SAHM and DH works shifts which vary massively through the week.
We are disagreeing on when he should be up on his days off. We sleep in separate rooms, always have and no, it doesn't affect our sex life.

An average work week for him may look like this:

Monday 1.30pm - midnight
Tuesday and Wednesday - off
Thursday 1.30pm - midnight
....

On the Tuesday I get that he's come in late so usually don't disturb him till 10/10.30am, but on the Wednesday I'd expect him to be up and about when we (DD(1) and I) are, so around 7.30am usually. He says as he is on lates again the next day that he needs to stay in bed till 10.30am again and then stay up until 2am gaming

I TOTALLY get that shift work messes with you as I worked the same shifts before having DD but I feel that when you have a family things change and I also feel bitter (I admit it) that he have NEVER had to be part of the sleep disturbance caused by babies. DD still wakes once or twice through the night most nights but I still have to get up at 7 or 8 with her, and I accept that, I'm a parent, it's my job. But while I housekeep etc, and he works a "proper" job, I feel that parenting should be shared and he should be up with us at LEAST one of his days off.

[VimFuego101]

So he only works that late shift 2 days a week and is off on the other days? If he was doing a late shift 5/6 days a week I'd say 7.30 was a bit early to expect him to wake up (he needs some time to wind down so probably doesn't go to bed until 1/2). But if he only works 2 days a week he should get up and help out.

[EvansAndThePrince]

No no sorry, I couldn't be arsed typing his whole rota so say after that he has

Friday 12-8
Saturday 9.30 - 7.30
Sunday 9.30 - 7.30

They vary so much every week but we always disagree.
Other weeks he may be on the lates Monday and Tuesday, off Wednesday Thursday and then on to the 9/10am start times after that so its not so much of an issue. On the days he's working lates he doesn't get up until 11 at the earliest.

[wheresthel1ght]

My dp works permanent 22 hour nights. On his days off (not his first where he gets in at 6am) he is up with us at 7. If it's a weekend I get a lie in

Your DH is being a lazy twat

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Yeah hes taking the piss. Tbh i am a night owl and regularly go to bed between 1 and 2am. I'm still up at 7/7:30 to get DCs up, dressed, fed, into school and myself into work. I usually flake around 8/9pm on a friday evening and will sleep until 8.30 on saturdays.

[Hamiltoes]

I'm lucky if I get to sleep by 12 most nights and I'm up at 6am to get ready before 1yo gets up. Then its off to work for an 8hr day. I catch up at weekends when DC are at their dads. He sounds like he is "milking it" and could be doing much more!

[VimFuego101]

OK, so only 2 lates per week then and normal hours for his other shifts? I would say a lay in for one morning is fine but he is perfectly capable of getting up at 7 ish the other day. Do you ever get a lay in?

[poocatcherchampion]

You definitely need to work out something that is fair for both of you but why on earth are you all getting up at 7.30 with one baby?

We have 3 preschoolers and official wake up is 8am except on preschool days. If dh is home one of us will laze in bed til about 8.30 unless we are raring to go. What are you doing at 7.30?

I'd suggest you take turns with get ups on mornings except for the nightshift ones.

Although if you haven't figured that out I suspect you have more of a husband problem in other areas too.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Hi, thanks for all the honest replies!
To horrendously drop Fred, I'm so sorry! clarify, we don't all get up together every other day, when he's on at say 10am or any other time, I get up with DD and he gets up when he is ready to start getting ready for work.

I agree that if I get a lie in one day, he should have one another day, however I do think that when for example, he goes from the Sunday to the Monday (day to late) that that is a lie in for him. He chooses to stay up until past midnight on the Sunday and gets up at say 11 on the Monday, imo he should be catching up with sleep by then but in his opinion he HAS to stay up late to be able to work late the next night.

I do see his point in everything he says but I do feel that I need a day to catch up (to be fair, a lot of times he isn't in a late after being off and I do get the second day) but I still think getting up at 11 when he's starting at 1.30 is taking the piss.

[EvansAndThePrince]

drip feed I did not drop Fred

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I think it's tough because if he was working at 8am, you wouldn't expect him to get up five hours earlier - he'd get up with just enough time to shower, get changed, eat breakfast and leave, no? Likewise when he finishes at midnight, you seem to think he should go to bed straight away - but if he did a 9-5 job, he'd get 5+ hours of "evening" before he went to bed. Why is shift-work any different?

You wouldn't expect someone who worked 9-5 to go to sleep at 6pm - you'd expect them to get in, shower, have dinner, watch some TV and unwind for a good few hours. I understand why he wants to stay up until 2am - that's his evening and his chance to unwind after his day.

Unfortunately shift-work isn't really compatible with spending time together as a family. I assume he works in retail or something similar with that shift-pattern? I recently got offered a job on a three-week rolling rota and turned it down precisely because shift-work causes problems with sleep.

I think you both need to compromise. He shouldn't be expected to go to bed as soon soon as he gets home, but he also can't expect to spend all morning his bed when has a child at home. Can he go to bed around 2am and get up at 9am, for example? He shouldn't lose his "evening" but equally shift-work isn't a reason to opt-out completely.

That was long, sorry!

[EvansAndThePrince]

Hermione I think you're exactly right there. I meant to say in the last post that it's shift work and shift work is always going to suck and be rough on the body, and as you say it's rubbish for family life. I do think that with him only being on average of 2 lates a week, he needs to accept that he will be tired and catch up on his days off (for example he could have gone to bed at 10 last night and caught up a bit.
I went through at 9 this morning so definitely a compromise there. I agree that him coming in at 12 and sleeping from 2 - 9 would be a great one but he says that he can't get up that early and work a late because he finds the job really stressful and can't function if he is tired. (He works in a kitchen).

[EvansAndThePrince]

wheat as hermione suggested I think 9am on those mornings would be a good starting point. DD gets up different times every day so for example it was 8.30am before we were properly awake this morning.
Ideally I'd like him to get set shifts if I'm honest. However, that's not an option. What I'd like is for him to get up with us the second day he's off, and take her while I get a lie in. Other days, if he's on a late then 9am and if he's on days then I think he should get up with us.

[LouBlue1507]

IMO I do think YABU, to me, you're coming across as controlling, trying to dictate when your OH should go to bed and when he should wake up. You're not his mother. The reason he sleeps is because he works hard and has a stressful job.
I do believe that he should make an effort to spend some time with his family but it's not your place to dictate when he should and shouldn't sleep. That's just my opinion.

[Mellowautumn]

Woorking shifts fucks your body clock up big time - he really should be able to self regulate as much as possible and listen to his body.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

He might not be able to get into a routine easily, but being tired from shiftwork isn't an excuse to stay in bed all day and not spend time with your family.

I've worked shifts and yes, it messes with your sleep, but as an adult with a child, the OP's DP needs to do what he can to balance work, sleep and time with his family. I don't think he can expect to stay in bed all morning when he gets home at midnight - he can go to bed at 2am, get up at 9am and still have 7 hours sleep which is plenty. If he's tired, he can catch up on his "day" shifts by going to bed at 10/11pm and getting up at 8.

I don't think it's about dictating when he sleeps it's about getting him to understand that as a parent, he doesn't get the luxury of staying in bed until the last minute, going to work, coming home, staying up gaming and sleeping without seeing his child. It's not like he's out of the house at 5am or anything drastic - he should be able to get up and spend a few hours with his child before work - hell, he should want to do that, I don't see why OP should have to nag at him to get up and spend some of his time off with his family.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Hey again
I honestly do know how hard shift work is, I used to do it in the same building! It's very very hard but it is something we discussed prior to having DD, that our lifestyle (work, sleep, eat, work) would be very different.

As standard I go to sleep at 11, DD wakes at 7, so I'm doing okay, but there are "phases" or just odd days where she will wake up just as I'm about to go to sleep and i end up getting to sleep late, for example the other day she woke as I was going to bed at midnight and I never got to bed until 1, but was still up at 7. I can absolutely deal with that, but I do think I deserve to have an extra couple of hours in bed once a week.
Housework we have no issues, I feel that because he works it's my responsibility to take care of the majority of it. He does bins and the dishes he uses, and at family meal times he leans up when I have cooked.
Again, I agree whole heartedly with Hermione but I don't disagree with anyone particularly, I just think it's very hard to find a balance.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Hmm. Still no sign of him this morning. He's on a late again today.

[araiba]

you get 8 hours sleep 11pm- 7am

he should get 8 hours at least too 2am- 10am

you know how difficult it is to constantly be changing the time you sleep and it would massively benefit him to be as regular as possible, even on days off

[EvansAndThePrince]

He's been off for 2 days though, so 12pm seems excessive.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Also this means he won't see DD today other than in passing.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

He's starting to sound lazy now, tbh. There's no reason for him to sleep in until midday when he's had two days off

Do you ever go in and ask him to get up and spend time with DD? not that you should have to ask someone to spend time with their child