To think DS, 24, should be responsible while he's living here?

[Isabelle111]

DS, 24, back at home after several uni years, is loving and it's good to have him around again until he finds his feet and a job outside our small town. But, and it's quite a but - he's making life pretty difficult for me. I lent him money for a holiday with his g/f - though he's working (admittedly not earnign a lot but, still, earning), I haven't seen anything back. He's not contributing at all to running costs. I paid his pricey fare (and, yes, more fool me, perhaps) for a meet-up lately- not a word about contributing at some point or, sadly, any thanks to speak of.

He works largely afternoons/evenings and is pretty restless at night. Goes off for walks in the early hours - leaving doors and gates unlocked - and running the risk of disturbing elderly neighbours. And leaving us worrying. And then has a massive go at us about how contricted he feels living here. A slap in the face.

He's barely looked for work - though he's increasingly making it clear that he's keen to get out. I'm finding this so exhausting. I have a f-t and a p-t job to make ends meet & constant money worries as DH's hours have dropped to a handful a week. I'm up now, unable to get back to sleep, after another set to when he'd gone out - leaving the house in danger and the possibility of neighbours complaining. Nobody is trying to curtail his movements - far from it - but he's not helping himself and his behaviour is exhausting me. Have to be up in a couple of hours for a long day ..

Thanks for reading this - helps writing it down.

[DoorMat1010]

Tell him straight, he's leaving you in danger and your home.

Sounds like he's being a little shit tbh

[LyndaNotLinda]

Kick him out. He's an adult and he's showing you and your home no respect. You're not obliged to house him.

[icklekid]

It can be hard to adjust when used to living independently (and probably leaving student house unsecured!) I think there are 2 separate conversations to be had 1) if he wants to go out to leave a note or just to be considerate in locking up/being quiet so as not to disturb neighbours. 2) money- explain you work 2 jobs to make ends meet and can't afford to lend him any more. Ask if he wants to pay back money owed in installments eg. £10 a week (depends on how much he earns) so that he is clear about expectations to repay the money. I'm a bit unclear about the fare- was that related to his holiday?

[wannabestressfree]

Bank of mum is shut until he has a plan to pay back the rest.

[wannabestressfree]

If he is not working he needs to be signing on too.

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Say almost word for word your op?

He sounds s bit Kevin- like. Treated so well to the point of being indulged, but instead of gratitude he just has the whiney. Ego-centric rebellious kid thing going on, even though he doesn't have anything g to rebel against either by the sounds of it.

If is so shit here, you can always sling your hook.... (just practicing for ds1)

[IJustLostTheGame]

Keep getting cross at the security laxness, there is no excuse.
Stop giving him money. If you keep giving him money he won't bother jobhunting.

[blueskyinmarch]

You need to set down some house rules and stop pandering to him. My DD came home for a year after uni. She had a minimum wage job but still paid me digs money. She could come and go as she pleases but had to be quiet coming in late at night ( waitressing so late finished) and she had to let me know if she required meals each day.

As for the job applications. That is hard work and takes a lot of time and effort. Does he know what he wants to do? Has he got a decent CV? His uni careers service should be able to help with that.

[Penfold007]

OP you were awake at 5:30am worrying about this situation, something needs to change. Sit him down, explain that he's an adult and that if he wants to live in your house here are the ground rules. Make a repayment plan with him and firmly close the bank of mum.

[ProseccoPoppy]

He's being a dick. I had (reasonably nice, but pull yourself together type) words with DBro in a similar situation a couple of years ago because my parents were too nice to but were anxious and fed up and he was clearly taking the piss. Either you need to have a chat or get someone to. DH? I also think it's a cop out to not have lined a job up before you graduate actually - I managed it and so did 90% of my uni friends, I thought that was just "what people did" tbh - until I saw DB that is - so the very least he can do is pull his finger out now.

[BarbaraofSeville]

If money is tight you would be well within your rights to rent his room out to a lodger.

Therefore he needs to cover the lost income that this would produce, or at least a decent contribution. How much does he earn per week/month and what does he spend his money on? If he is working and not paying any rent/bills, he probably has more disposable income now than he will at any time in his life, past or future, unless he gets a very well paid job.

He also needs to pull his weight in the household by doing at least some of the DIY, gardening, cooking or cleaning and act responsibly with regard to household security.

[Fairylea]

He doesn't see the need to get a better job if he already has one and you're paying for everything - board and train fares etc. It's as simple as that really! Time for some tough words, if he wants to live with you then he needs to pay rent or if he isn't paying rent then he needs to abide by your rules which means being home by a certain time otherwise he is disturbing everyone. He can't have it both ways.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

At 24, I had been working for 3 years, had moved 150 miles away, and had paid back every penny of the 500 DF had lent me to buy my first car.

Why are you wiping a grown man's arse, OP?