To have ruined DS' chances of being super cool

(44 Posts)
JJoy342 Mon 02-May-16 21:55:04

DS8 is in my opinion really cool grin , he's quite sporty, and has plenty of friends but apparently he's not super super cool.

The apparently super super cool kid in class invited him and 4 other boys in class to an all expenses paid trip out to Go Ape for his birthday (today) but sadly DS' best friend of a bunch of years was having his party on the same day. The issue was that DS2 is autistic and the best friends Mum had changed some of their initial birthday plans to accommodate DS2 so that he could attend as well, I could hardly have turned down an invite we'd already accepted after they put in so much effort to accommodate DS2.

If super cool boy's mum had been quicker with the invites then I could have accepted that first but she wasn't so we had to decline and DS has been dramatically distraught ever since, he sulked throughout the party and sulked through bath time and muttered how he's never miever going to be invited again and how everyone would be talking about it at school

Actually the majority of his class was at the party not out at Go Ape's so surely they would be talking about the party

DS gave me quite an annoyed look and said no one cares about the party and went to bed in a sulk hmm

ChocolateStash Mon 02-May-16 22:03:46

Aww, poor dc. I'm sure it seems like the end of the world to him at the moment. There will be other times but he can't see it at the moment. Very nice of the other mum to make your ds so welcome, it's nice there are such lovely mums in the world smile

SalemSaberhagen Mon 02-May-16 22:08:00

I understand his disappointment, but I would not be happy with him sulking during the party at all.

scaryteacher Mon 02-May-16 22:09:38

Just tell him it's about manners and that it's very rude to blow off a previously accepted invitation just because you have had a better offer. It's also about logistics....ask him how he would have got to Go Ape, or to the drop off point of you were taking ds2 to the other party. You could also point out how lovely it was for ds2 to be included, as many people wouldn't have made that effort.

BabyGanoush Mon 02-May-16 22:10:18

Wise parents don't want their kuds to be "super cool" anyway.

The sulking thing would bug me.

JJoy342 Mon 02-May-16 22:35:22

I feel like he has to miss out on quite a few things or never gets first choice at home because of DS2 needs and he's always been quite understanding for a small child, so I wasn't hard on him about his behaviour, I left him with DH to deal with and he just told him to either stop sulking or to sulk where people couldn't see him hmm

He already knows it would have been rude to not go just because a better offer has come along and he's normally an easy child, just surprised he's taking it so seriously, he barely even mentioned the other boy before we received the party invite.

flossietoot Mon 02-May-16 22:41:41

I don't think it is particularly healthy for eight year olds to be categorising each other as 'cool'. In fact I think it is dangerous and nonsense.

scaryteacher Mon 02-May-16 22:51:18

He will get over it, honest! We had dramatic sulks about things, but at 20, ds has now forgotten them, and has talking to me again for years...especially tonight when I'd forgotten to pay his allowance.

Minisoksmakehardwork Mon 02-May-16 23:01:28

Would your ds have been able to go to Go Ape if his best friend's party had stuck to the original plans?

I'm just wondering if he's seeing it as 'yet another thing' done to accommodate his brother and he misses out on something else he could have done.

I know you say he knows it's rude to have been sulky about it. But I also know how tough and draining one child's needs can be on their siblings.

darbylou Mon 02-May-16 23:02:02

I'm sure he'll have forgotten about it all in a couple of days. Perhaps inviting supercool kid for tea might help smooth it over.

JJoy342 Mon 02-May-16 23:22:11

Minisoks, He may have been allowed to go if they hadn't changed their plans, it would have been rather have rude but if he desperately wanted to go, we might have let him. I suspect he does see it as another one of those things he just has to deal with but we stressed the fact that it was because we'd already accepted the first invite but it's why we weren't too hard on him about his behaviour, he does have to put up with a lot in his daily life and he does it without complaint and it's not fair but it just can't be helped.

Flossietoot, categorises for kids popped up about a year ago in his conversations, it seems to be a year wide epedemic.

Darbylou, Ohhh that's a good idea, that's bound to cheer him up.

I know / really hope that he'll most likely forget about it by tea time tomorrow.

GuiltyPleasure Tue 03-May-16 01:14:05

I totally feel for you OP. It's very hard balancing things. I know my eldest DS feels he has to accommodate my youngest DS who is severely autistic. In this case it sounds like your friend went out of the way to accommodate DS2 & you accepted that invitation first, even if the original plan changed, so it's absolutely right that you went through with this. But I'd also do as a PP suggested & invite DS1's friends to do something with him.

Canyouforgiveher Tue 03-May-16 01:26:33

It is very hard at that age but of course he had to go to the party he accepted first.

if it is any consolation he could be even cooler than cool if he turned down an invitation from super cool kid - as long as he plays it right - as in "ah so sorry I couldn't come, but I had another party".

If he says "my mum made me go to another party and I wanted to go to yours" he will not be cool.

I say this agreeing with the other poster who thinks being "cool" at this age is stupid.

MattDillonsPants Tue 03-May-16 01:38:33

Separate your DS who has ASD from the whole scenario. You had to encourage DS to attend the first party as he had already accepted. That's basic good manners.

It's understandable you worry about his compensating for his brother but only rude people ditch previous engagements for a better offer.

I think you would have been very wrong to allow him to go to Go Ape just because he was desperate to attend.

JerryFerry Tue 03-May-16 02:02:28

Really disappointing to read about 8yos catergorising each other as cool or not - and their parents going along with it. A big fat ugh

Italiangreyhound Tue 03-May-16 02:19:52

JJoy342 sorry this has been hard on your child.

re "I feel like he has to miss out on quite a few things or never gets first choice at home because of DS2 needs and he's always been quite understanding for a small child, so I wasn't hard on him about his behaviour... "

It's great that he has been understanding but it is a shame if he never gets first choice because of having to accommodate his brother.

Re "... just surprised he's taking it so seriously, he barely even mentioned the other boy before we received the party invite."

It sounds like this new friend or new circle of friends is very important to him.

It's not your fault the party invite came in first or the events clashed. But I think in your shoes I would take care for the future to make sure that her does get his first choice some of the time and that you take his desires into account in the future if you do feel that his brother has been kind of ruling what can happen.

Why doesn't he have a super cool go ape party for his birthday and invite this best friend and this super cool child as well?

SpanishLady Tue 03-May-16 03:37:08

You did the right thing.

Veterinari Tue 03-May-16 04:07:54

I don't think this is about your DS2.
If I've understood your OP correctly your DS1 wanted to blow off his best friend of several years and a party he'd already accepted to hang out with the cool kid. And you're saying if it weren't for DS2 also being accommodated at the party you might have let him.

Can you imagine how hurtful that would have been to DS1's friend? Do you seriously think it's ok to ditch a longterm friend 'for the cool kid'?

And you allowed your DS1 to sulk at the party - very not cool

Motherfuckers Tue 03-May-16 04:11:52

You may have let him drop his best friends party for this other invite if they hadn't been extra accommodating? You sound incredibly rude. Your DS needs to learn about loyalty, kindness and good manners.

queenoftheboys Tue 03-May-16 04:20:37

You may have let him drop his best friend's party for this other invite if they hadn't been extra accommodating? You sound incredibly rude. Your DS needs to learn about loyalty, kindness and good manners

I agree completely. And letting him sulk at the best friend's party was really rude too.

SeasonalVag Tue 03-May-16 04:51:04

Sulking child? Not "cool"
Wanting a cool kid? Not "cool"

JJoy342 Tue 03-May-16 06:53:12

Do I want a cool kid: No

Am I glad that school is an enjoyable happy environment for him: Yes

I know it would have been rude to turn down the first invite and I'm glad we didn't but if he desperately wanted to go and they hadn't have been so nice to our family then yes I would have.

He's a good mannered boy, who's beyond sweet, you don't know his everyday situation, you don't get to sit behind a computer screen and judge his character, he rarely if ever asks for anything, he goes with the flow because we desperately need him to, so yes I would have have acted in a rude manner for once to make him happy.

Italiangrey, we do our best and DH and I take turns taking him out on his own to things but when we're out as a family, what restaurant we eat at, where we go etc have to be decided on what DS2 can handle, so I constantly find myself saying, 'no we can't go there because of x, y, z'

LyndaNotLinda Tue 03-May-16 06:59:07

Wow. That's dreadful. Just as well his 'best friend' put on a special effort for your DS2 then.

You're teaching him it's okay to sack off your mates if a better offer comes along. No wonder he was sulky.

diddl Tue 03-May-16 07:35:26

" but if he desperately wanted to go and they hadn't have been so nice to our family then yes I would have. "

You would have let him turn down his best friend's invitation to hang out with the cool kids?

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

I really hope that the other mum sees this so that she realises that your son isn't really a friend to hers.

Why was your other son accommodated? Was that the only way that you 8yr old could go?

Penfold007 Tue 03-May-16 07:40:20

He didn't accept invite one though did he? You did on the family's behalf and based on your child with SNs needs. DS may well be feeling resentful that he always has to put his DB first because of his needs. It's no excuse for the sulking or accepting that you can't pull out of something because a better opportunity has come along.

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