AIBU to feel a bit miffed about my friends attitude(17 Posts)
So I'm feeling a little put out and annoyed by the way a couple of my friends are acting lately. I have a group of friends, 7 of us and we have all been friends for 5/6 years now. I'm 26 married with 2 lo, my youngest is 11 months oldest 7. Some of my friends, the ones in question are younger with no children but they live with their DPs. I haven't been able to go out much since having DS2 as he is breastfed and flat out refuses a bottle. The odd time I have been out DH has to give him porridge or something with milk to fill him up and obviously that means I can only have a couple of drinks. The last time I went to a bar with the group, myself and 2 others, 1 of which also has a son aged 2 left early (still 12.30am) as we fancied getting some food. Two of the other friends made a huge fuss about this and were really funny on the group chat the next day saying if we knew you were going to leave early we would have gone to a club and not stayed in the bar. Well at no point did we specify a time that we all had to leave together and we have never done this, I'm 26 years old if I want to go home I will go home. Well now it is one of said girls birthdays and she is arranging a night out. She sent a message to group chat with the details of the cabaret night out and meal she wants in a town 20 mins away and transport was mentioned. Now this is what was said "I'm not sure about transport as it depends if people are going to want to leave early again" Now I felt as if that was a bit of a dig then it was followed up with my name and my other mummy friend "you know because you 2 have kids" in all the years we have know each other and all the nights out this has never been brought up before and i feel that it isn't in a supportive way. Am I just being hormonal haha?
Get new friends? Tbf I'm impressed you still have a social life, well done!
It sounds a bit like she just wants to know if, due to your home commitments, you'll be needing to leave early again. She then qualifies it but stating that she understands that you might want to because you have kids, which is precisely the reason you did leave early the previous time. I wouldn't read any more into it op.
That wasn't a dig, she wants to make arrangements that suit everyone, because last time they would have ended the night differently, if they'd have known that you were going to leave that 'early'.
They have also started meeting up without inviting us, found this out as one of them slipped up and mentioned it and then said oops . I feel like saying see how you feel when you have a baby hanging off you 24/7 and get woken up numerous times in the night. I think they feel we are not fun anymore when in fact we are just growing up
Erm... isn't that part and parcel of having kids? Not all of your mates sprog at the same time and your partying/socialising has to change to accommodate the differences.
You ARE NOT FUN ANYMORE! Not how you used to be. Your version of growing up is different from theirs, no more or less right or wrong.
They are not being nasty, they just want nights out like they have always had. If you feel that pissed off have a very quick rethink... wish them well and suggest a different type of get together that you can all get to and complete. Do it on facebook, add a smiley face.
Do that over and over again until it sinks in... their world did not change when you had kids!
Before this turns into another childless vs parent thread, they are just trying to make arrangements that suit everyone. It's probably not an issue in their heads and you are probably tired and stressed. Go out, enjoy yourself and go home when you want to.
Then in a few years time when they are run ragged by babies and yours are older you can be smug ;-)
I think the first time, it really depends whether it had been mentioned earlier that they were thinking of staying out late. If so, then it is more polite IMO to mention in advance that you'll be leaving earlier - it just helps plan the night a bit. Not a huge deal not to though. But I can definitely understand that your friends would be disappointed if 2 out of 5 people left early, when they thought everyone would be out late.
The thing about organising transport might have been a bit of a dig in the way it was expressed but it's also completely fair enough - it's reasonable to know how many people you have to book a taxi for, and reasonable to raise in advance the question of whether people will be leaving early when you and your friend didn't mention this in advance last time.
Well, you have children with the associated limitations and they don't. Your social lives are going to change. Maybe sometimes it will work, maybe it won't. Maybe they're meeting up without the two of you because you've already made plain you can't do those events so they don't want to keep asking. Maybe you're being a baby bore. Maybe they're being bitches. Some people do get weird when friends have kids, which is a shame.
However, when you say "we are just growing up", I wonder if they feel that you are being superior and think they're immature. You have more responsibilities now, you have children to think of, you can't socialise as much as you used to, but your comment implies that your friends aren't 'growing up' just because they don't have kids, and that's a really off-putting attitude.
They sound shit. I'm early 20s, first one of my friends to have kids. No one gives me any crap about having to leave early, then again my friends aren't the sort to go partying until 3am regularly.
No one treats me differently just because I'm a mum and I'd be furious if they did.
The last time we went out and left early we had all just arranged to have a few cocktails in the local bars while we were out a couple of them mentioned did we all want to head to the nightclub. No one wanted to make the decision I looked up what time they stopped letting him and said to them if you want to go we all need to go now as they stop letting in at 12 I asked constantly from about 11.45 do you want to go coz we got to shift if yes. They said na we have just bought another drink and this bar is open till 2, then at 12.30 my friend said I really want food so myself and her sister said ok let's go get a kebab and that's when 2 of the other 4 left started saying well if we knew you were going to leave we would have gone to the club . In the 5/6 years of going out with them we have never left all together we always do our own thing depending on who drinks too much too quick etc haha. I just don't know why they have been funny ever since. It was just a casual night out.
Why do you all have to leave together anyway? Whenever we've gone out, people arrive and disappear when it suits them. We're all adults who don't need our hands held when it's time to leave.
I think they're really immature.
Tbh, I guess I can see why they thought you'd be up for staying out later if you were pushing to go to the club. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I can see that if at 11.45 people are weighing up whether or not to go clubbing then they would think you'd all be up for staying out for longer and that they'd be disappointed when you left 45 mins later. I don't think that really has anything to do with you having kids or not, sounds like they just felt a bit like you were ditching them.
I don't ever give out that attitude to them of being more mature etc and I've never said anything like that to them and it's not because they don't have children that I think they aren't growing up. It's their attitude in general tbh they can be quite immature in situations I just think I'm noticing it more lately.
If they are getting irritated and moody because OP is leaving early then they clearly are showing they are quite immature IMHO.
Having kids younger doesn't always mean being more grown up but in this case it sounds like the others are being childish in their insensitivity to the differing needs of a friend who is now a mother.
But they aren't. They are being mature and planning around OPs need to leave early.
Or, they are trying to. But OP is being childish and is trying to insist that her need/wants as a mother trump their needs and wants, because not being mums they are so immature!
OP is being equally insensitive to their differing wants - there is no need here!
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