Aibu to not be bothered by this?

(16 Posts)
SweetAngels Fri 29-Apr-16 12:42:40

Basically I fell out with all of my exP family for a myriad of reasons and so I have very very limited contact with them now eg wishing their children happy birthday, etc
DC still have some contact with them through exP.
ExP sis that I never really got on with because she likes to throw lots of passive aggressive comments for example
ExP sis: "I don't whether that foundation you have is good or not, on the one hand it looks natural as I can still see some of your uneven skin tone on the other hand why not get something with better coverage "
Me: (stunned into silence)

Now this same sis has asked me to come over to hers for a family birthday celebration and I don't want to go just because can't be bothered dealing with her and exP family ☺️☺️. This means DC will miss out on their cousins 9th birthday as exP can't take them.
ExP has told me that I am a selfish unforgiving bitch and I am not bothered.

I have had a think about it and yes I realise that I am being selfish in this instance and actually It has dawned on me that in general when people do / say stuff that hurts me I just cut them out - but this revelation doesn't bother me as I feel these would be people bringing what I perceive to be negativity or stress.

AIBU to be not bothered about
...DC missing cousins birthday because of me or should I take them?
....being unforgiving to people I feel have hurt me in the past.

By the way I am not rude to these people when I am around them, just very cool and don't add them to my social media, etc basically I freeze them out my life as much as I can - is this "normal"?

gamerchick Fri 29-Apr-16 12:47:19

Sounds fair enough, I can't be doing with that kind of shit either.

The ex can take them if he's that bothered or just drop and run but I wouldn't ponder that much on it.

WorraLiberty Fri 29-Apr-16 12:47:35

Perhaps you picked the wrong example with the foundation thing, as I don't see anything wrong with it. Although if your relationship is already fraught, I can see why it might have stung.

Yanbu about the family celebration. I'd say I'm busy but they're welcome to collect/drop off the kids if they want them there (and if the kids want to go).

YellowDinosaur Fri 29-Apr-16 12:53:08

Surely one massive benefit of exp being an ex is that you no longer need to have anything to do with his family is you don't want to. That's in the 'no longer my problem' file surely?

I'd be telling him very clearly that you will not be doing this and if he wants the children to be there then that's for him to sort out. Only if the children are desperate to go and it would upset them not to be there would I do anything more to facilitate this (dropping them off and picking them up later)

MoggieMaeEverso Fri 29-Apr-16 12:53:13

I think you have healthy boundaries.

PPie10 Fri 29-Apr-16 12:55:31

Yanbu, as worra said they can pick up and drop off the kids if they want them there. You don't have to be obligated into that situation.

SweetAngels Fri 29-Apr-16 13:49:42

Thanks all - find it hard to define the boundaries of them being DC family but not mine really.
worra you're right that's a terrible eg but they really are not pleasant to be around and you know the saying about it's not always what you but how you say it! -- this applies to them in spades

CombineBananaFister Fri 29-Apr-16 14:12:30

Yanbu unreasonable to freeze people out if they've been awful to you, sometimes you just reach your shti-limit and enough is enough - that doesn't make you selfish or unforgiving, it just makes you smart grin

With the kids though, it's a bit different, because if they're not awful to them then it's a shame for them to miss out seeing their cousins really.Meh, suppose I'd suck it up if the exP family didn't bother me that much if I thought my DC might really enjoy it but it would be a close call

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Fri 29-Apr-16 14:25:23

ExP has told me that I am a selfish unforgiving bitch

Isn't that the way to get you to take HIS children to HIS sisters house for HIS nephews party?

If adults on both sides after divorce can be friendly and maintain healthy relationships, especially with the children, then that is the ideal. But if thats not possible for whatever reason the next best thing is politely build a wall. He can facilitate his family to see his children, its not up to you.

SweetAngels Fri 29-Apr-16 16:56:41

penguin that's so funny didn't even see that - he's been a regular piece of crap since the split that when he speaks in that way it doesn't register how out of order he is hmm - scary conditioning had gone on here!
You're so right just for that statement I should have said no

Husbanddoestheironing Fri 29-Apr-16 17:03:44

Surely one massive benefit of exp being an ex is that you no longer need to have anything to do with his family is you don't want to. That's in the 'no longer my problem' file surely?

This- with knobs on grin

nobilityobliges Fri 29-Apr-16 17:06:38

I think it depends why your DP can't take them. If he doesn't have a good excuse you should put pressure on him to take them. If he does then I think that if it's just snarky comments you should take them. It's going to be harder for them to have good relationships with extended family of the nrp, and I think that they should be allowed to develop those relationships and feel like part of that family. It sucks that the sister is mean and pass-agg, but I do think that making sure your kids can be as much a part of that family as possible should come first.

pippistrelle Fri 29-Apr-16 17:25:18

If their father would like them to go - and if the children want to - it's up to him to make suitable arrangements. And I can see why he's an ex.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Fri 29-Apr-16 17:30:12

I think it depends why your DP can't take them. If he doesn't have a good excuse you should put pressure on him to take them

The why makes no difference, and its not her business what he does with his children in his time with them. And its not up to her to manage his relationships with his family and his childrens relationship with them as well.
Why do some women think everything is up to the mother to sort out, even when they are divorced?

Pseudo341 Fri 29-Apr-16 17:31:42

Surely your exP is responsible for your children's relationship with his family. Definitely not your problem. Do they not know his family well enough to go without a parent?

nicenewdusters Fri 29-Apr-16 17:48:39

I too think you have healthy boundaries with them. They're his family and it's his problem if he can't get the children to the party.

In an ideal world you would help your dc to maintain a relationship with your ex's family. But your real world is people you'd rather not see, and an ex who calls you vile names.

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